It takes two...

[Gravitygirl]

Does it, I mean, to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage?

The reason I ask is that I think our marriage is over but I honestly don't know what I have done. I mean I know that I have withdrawn from physical side of our relationship and sometimes speak with contempt but I really and honestly feel that its not my fault.
My H has been so nasty and rejecting, and unattentive etc for so long I feel I have nothing left to give him. I have posted on here before bout him being EA but I just dont know....

He has said that he does not want another man bringing up his kids and therefore wants to give us a go, but I feel its gone past the point of no return.

The only thing I have to liken this too was one day I woke up (when I was in a relationship with my first boyf) we had been together from 13-19 and I just couldnt be with him anymore, I couldnt bring myslef to be intimate, he hurt me he cheated on me a year previously and I thought I could go on together ( childhood sweethearts) but I couldnt.
I feel like in my marriage now, I have woken up to the hurt he has caused and I cant pass it over ( I have been having therapy for two years, so am fully aware of my shortcomings) but Im not sure what I have done in this marriage other than look after him and then our kids.
Its true I withdrew from sex but had two children fairly close together, exhaustion and one of them diagnosed with a disability at 9 months old.
We have been through really difficult circumstances, more than our fair share I guess , its a miracle we have got this far.

Sorry just need to pour this out there, Im not sure what to do. I wouldnt cope alone financially, we have just bought a house heavily subsidised by my father, I dont know where to turn...

"He has said that he does not want another man bringing up his kids"

Well that's one hell of a way to make a woman feel loved and wanted, isn't it? Reminds me of XH's idea of foreplay, which was to say in a sneering tone "I suppose you wouldn't be interested". (To be fair it wasn't all the time, otherwise we wouldn't have had a sex life either.)

Life is too short to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you like a worn-out domestic appliance. As for the practicalities, I don't know, and what bad timing unfortunately, when you'd just bought a house! Would it be worth having a word with your father?

Please help, I couldnt take it any more, his cruelty and so last night I told him I couldnt go on any more with our marriage.
This was after a very stressful journey back from the hospital with our daughter, ending up with him spitting at me, saying 'you couldnt pay me enough to sleep with you'

Of course later ( when kids in bed) I brought this, and other examples up and he managed to twist them to make me feel as if the comments were innocent and I was the one in the wrong. Apprarently, the reason hi is the way he is, is all my fault ?

I just cant do this anymore, Im exhausted, Im terrified... I told my Dad last night as I felt I needed some support, my H was furious with me for telling 'someone' and since has been on his phone all night. I have no idea whats going on, please can someone give me practical support with what happens now, how I safeguard myself and the kids, I have a feeling this is not going to be amicable

We have to take our daughter to hospital today and he has told me not to go,, but how do I not be there for her when she is being put to sleep again? I cant do it...

Sorry if this is muddled Im just all over the place, I really appreciate any advice/support as I dont know where to turn.

I also feel that Im the one to blame here, he has got me questioning that this is omehow all my fault is that normal?

I think you need to leave as soon as possible, he's a coplete and utter twat if he thinks you shouldn't be with your DD when she is in hospital. Contact womens aid, or is there any family that you can go to?

I feel awful for you, someone will be along soon that can offer you more advice, just didn't want you not to feel un supported.

thankyou, I think the problem regarding today is he dos not want us both there arguing or whatever infront of her, which , of course I have no intention of doing. My DD always has and will come first.

He cant stand my company, but somehow this is all my fault and Ive caused it, Im so confused, Im sure I have not been the one to do all this

This monring is so hard, he is being so nasty and spiteful but carrying on as normal, nothing is normal!!! Im trying to gather information and work out how to get through the weekend till he is back and work and I can get things moving. I cant stay like this, its a nightmare

You have every right to be there with your daughter so never deny yourself that whatever happens.

The situation sounds very tense and probably especially difficult to deal with if you have a dc that is not ok.

I think you either need to go with what's been started now, get informed, see CAB and a solicitor and understand your rights, or pull back a little to restore peace and try to calmly work out what you do before you progress with a plan.

Whatever you do sometime soon:

Visit CAB and solicitor
Consider counselling to help you work out options
Make you have private money
Get RL support

And of course keep talking to us

It's not your fault, you haven't caused it no matter what he says and you don't have to stay like this. He sounds really horrible and if he's been like this to you for a long time then you're probably worn down by it all and confused about what's right and what isn't. Sounds like abuse to me.

Telling you you can't be at the hospital with your DD is just grim. He is not your keeper. Obviously your priority is to be with her. He's just trying to hurt you.

Please contact Woman's Aid. What did your dad say? Does he understand? Was he aware of what was going on? Can you go and stay with him if you need to?

Also make an appointment with your GP to talk things over.

Typing from hospital on my phone so apologies if this does not work right
I am so confused, he has basically made this out to be me ending the marriage, not what he has done at all and I'm so confused I'm starting to think it's all me, I can't even begin to tell you how I feel, like some kind of mental case that everyone is studying and aware of apart from me , does that make any sense?

He asked me if I have looked into the financialside of seperating and I told him what I had read and about what normally happens when children are invovled, he then took the cue to totally twist what I had recalled and said I was stopping him seeing the kids, I absolutley did not, I would not do that to the kids they worship him, but I am terrified of50/50 care, I don't see how he could care for them properly and if he is at work !!!! So he said he would quit!!

My head hurts but I need support please keep talking with me and keep giving help , I have noted down people to ring on Monday it all feels so surreal it really does

I am very wary of strangers pontificating on websites about relationships they do not know in real life. However, him saying "you could not pay me enough to sleep with you" seals the deal. That would be the end for me. If one (or both) partners reaches that level of unkindness, for me it's over

It's what made me snap and finally think I can't take this anymore ! But he later tried to justify saying it to me by saying "at this moment in time" it's this kind of head fucking that has completley confused me to helll. I keep thinking " what if" but then he says something else and I know we can't go on I am devastated for the kids they love there dad they are going to hate me especially as he is making out it's all my fault he has to go, how pathetic do I sound breaking up a home because I'm too sensitive to take the words he says to me

It doesn't actually have to be anyone's fault when a relationship breaks up. People can grow apart to use a cliche. Small niggles turn into major grumbles, 'endearing habits' become intolerable failings. What attracted you to each other in the first place becomes a distant memory. You say twice that you've 'withdrawn' from the physical side of the relationship and, for many men, that's means it's all off. Doubtless there are things he does and says that have resulted in you believing it's over.

So yes it does take two. How your children deal with it will depend on how you explain it. They love you both so this is when it pays to remain on civil terms. Rather than staying together miserably 'for the sake of the children' try to agree not to be disrespectful about each other in front of the children. As long as they know you both still love them and as long as you don't drag them into any disagreements, they will be fine.

Gravitygirl

You are not pathetic, he is. He is abusive, both on a verbal and emotional level. Using your daughter's hospital admission to upset you is utterly appalling.

You need to be far away from this vile creature.

Is the house in joint names or his? What has your dad said?

If possible, stay in the house. With the children. MAKE HIM LEAVE IF YOU CAN. Tell him it's better for the children to be in their own environment, better for DD's medical team/doctors etc, so you don't have to give new address details. Hopefully, he will agree with this.

If not, call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 it's free and 24/7 and they will talk through options with you. Today if need be.

Do not be lulled into a false sense of security with this man. He is a sorry excuse for a husband and treating you like dirt.

Your DCs will understand in time but you need to think about the here and now.

Being around parents who are hostile toward one another or seeing daddy being mean to mummy is not the life for them, or you.

He is obviously very controlling and chances are, hoping that he can push you over the edge to leave......... so he can be the injured party.

You need to get some RL support from your dad/friends if possible.

I hope that your DD is ok. You have so much to worry about without your husband doing this to you.

You must end this relationship.

Finally home from hospital, such a long and emotional day.

Everything is in stalemate at the moment, H is refusing to move out as he is saying he cant afford anywhere to go, and wont actually clarify it is over, he keeps saying ' i dont know how I feel' I feel he is being really cruel about it and making me believe its all my fault ...

It just feels surreal

Finally home from hospital, such a long and emotional day.

Everything is in stalemate at the moment, H is refusing to move out as he is saying he cant afford anywhere to go, and wont actually clarify it is over, he keeps saying ' i dont know how I feel' I feel he is being really cruel about it and making me believe its all my fault ...

It just feels surreal

Gravitygirl

You need some RL support here. Is the house in his name or joint?

If he won't move out, then you must, with the DCs.

Is DD home with you now? God. He is just awful, and playing with your mind.

Can you go to your dad's short term?

Hope you are ok tonight.

I just want to say i have been where you are now. Was in my teens when met XH and with him 21 years! I finally got out 5 years ago and I feel I am ME again.

One of the things he did would be sleeping all day then awake at night (he worked from home). And one of the games he played was to come upstairs, wake me up and then proceed to tell me what a bitch, cow, evil woman i was. He would do this every hour every night for weeks. Until he found another game. It was torture.

It was all my fault. I would question myself, and change whatever was wrong with me and then there would be something else that was not right. What made me finally snap was when i realised that if I was so vile, why did he stay with me?!

Once i made the decision, i contacted my parents and they helped me through the practicalities. It took almost a year before he left, but knowing the end was in sight kept me going.

He refused to go at first but my solicitors sent him a letter forcing him to leave.

If you truly dont think your marriage can be saved, then i urge you to get out as you do not deserve this awful relationship. he is messing with your head and its not good for your children either.

Do get your father to help you, as mentally you are probably exhausted and cannot think straight. And solicitors will help you to work out what financial help you are entitled to. Mine were amazed that I had stayed so long when I gave just a few details of how he behaved towards me.

Getting other people involved also makes you see things more objectively.

It will be a difficult time for you but it will be worth it in the end when you get away from this nasty, despicable man and you are able to get your life back.

wishing you all the best.

Actually I disagree with Chil. I do think that relationship breakdowns can be one sided.

You sound, like me, an overly responsible person. If things are not right you look to put it right and you keep on at it until it is right. However, if the other person is not actually doing anything to help the situation (and this needs to be judged on actions not words) there are real limits to what can be achieved.

If you add emotionally abusive behaviour into the mix then it becomes much more complicated. By criticising you, he makes you feel even more responsible for sorting things and takes even less reponsibility himself.

However, what would the relationship look like if it was working well and mutually supportive? How far away are you from that? And, and this will be difficult to hear but it is true, it doesn't actually matter who calls time on the relationship. It doesn't make it your fault that the relationship broke down. It just means that you were big enough to call a halt to a situation which is damaging for everyone involved.

I know it's easy to say and much harder to see and do when you are in the middle of it all. I think that when someone's actions differ from what they are saying, you enter a slightly crazy reality frighteningly quickly. It is difficult to pin down what is wrong in any given moment, it's more just the sense that things aren't right.

I do have the benefit of hindsight and I still struggle to explain what has happened to myself let alone other people. It took me years to get to the point of calling time with the help of 18 months with Relate during which I realised that nothing had changed. He said all the right things but nothing really changed.

I still said I couldn't leave until I felt I'd done enough. Not sure if that day would ever have come but I finally got that ex didn't actually want to be with me, he just didn't want to be the 'baddie'.

chil1234 could not agree more.
I am tempted to cut and paste your post onto many relationship discussions on mumsnet.
It does not HAVE to be one person's fault

And chil1234, I disagree, it can sometimes be one persons fault. I desperately tried to make the relationship work, tried to change my behaviour to make him happy, tried to change the DC's behaviour to make him happy. I desperately wanted the dream and to not break up my dcs family.

But it was making me ill, things were never going to change so I had to leave. Even though I spend most hours wondering if I could have done things differently I know in my heart that I did everything.

And to withdraw from the physical side of the relationship is because they make you feel so bad, you don't trust them and you can't do such an intimate act with someone who the next minute is making you feel so small.

Sorry, but it's hit a nerve.

It doesn't matter who's fault. Let him pretend it's you if it suits him. Just go along with it, but escape!!! Get him to rent a room locally until you decide what to do so he's still involved in kids lives. Once you have some space to think you'll realise your better off without him. It's much harder when they are around you grinding you down.

Thankyou for all you replies...

Well! I am so bloody confused about what is going on here I dont know which way to turn.
Last night we spoke and I listened to why he is so annoyed at me, you see the problem is, he has not responded to me calling time by declarations of love he feels just as pissed off but keeps saying ' i dont want this ( as in situation) but dont know what to do'
Its driving me mad as he wont commit either way.
One moment we are acting as normal and you could almost think there want a problem and the next everything comes flooding back to me and he says something out of term and everything is up the wall again.

Thing is, I can kind of see why he is pissed off with me, he says Ive pulled back from all affection and sex, but he just wont see that I have done that over time as he has hurt me with things he has said and done and he NEVER says sorry....
I also see his point when he says we dont have a life together, we dont. We never go out or spend time together, Im not sure I like him as a person and I dont share his love of drink so we are quite incompatible.

The trouble I have is I have such an awful past it affects me now, I have been having therapy for 2 years whiuch has helped alot, also helped me see that I dont actually like aspects of my H that are nasty but then maybe Im creating more o a problem, maybe it is me and I will just annoy anyone I get with. As he points out, I dont have many friends, or cant have relationships with people normally, so maybe this is all me.

I spoke to my dad on friday, it took an enormous leap to tell him, so for me I thought it would help me leave, but my dad has txt H and told him if he needs support to ring him ( me too) and then came over for dinner last night and you wouldnt have thought there was a problem, nothing was mentioned and it was like they were treating me as soon escaped lunatic having a bad day.

I dont know wether to secretly continue to seek support, as Im not sure this will be fixable without me accepting he will not apologise and we can move forward. Its gone to far for me to just do that ( I feel) I mean yesterday he asked me for 'something' I responded, not believing thats how he would try and fix this, especially after his nasty comment on friday and he once again got cross with me, for not moving forward

Im so tired of all this, well done if you have got this far....

What do I do now?