Should I be concerned?

[MrsOnTheMove]

In brief... sex life not so great! 2 x small dc's, Returned to work, full time a year ago after being diagnosed with breast cancer (long three years of treatment) In short our sex life suffered, not helped by the fact that under no circumstances can I have any more children (haven't been told physically impossible; though had chemo, ovary removed and major surgery on stomach!) advised not a good idea. The plan was for DH to have a vastectomy - he's been putting it off for 4 years

I have become lazy 'too tired' after long days when it comes to sex whereas DH asking constantly. He has always looked at porn and a few months ago I suspected he had registered with a swingers site (was not 100% sure) Have tonight found out he is registered with that site and others and has been paying for subscriptions to videos, photographs etc.

He also recently mentioned another couple - which I laughed off thinking he was messing about (told me it was someone from his gym) but have found an email which clearly makes reference to this woman and her partner and some photos that are on a website - though the email was directly related to something else.

Few days ago he told me that if he sleeps with someone else it will be my fault and remember I'm to blame!

Are these sites just porn or am I being too laid back about it? pardon the pun

So you're not perfect - letting your sex life slip a bit. But - hello! - you've had a really tough time over the past few years. Have you not read the number of posts on here which say sex life not great from people who have young kids? Throw in a FT job and then cancer on top, and the mix is not exactly conducive to sex.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Him saying that any affair, current or future, is your fault is not acceptable. Yes, he's probably been way down the list of priorities over the last few years but then he should respect that you had other things on your mind! You married for better or worse. This has def been one of the worse times but it can and will get better if you are both committed to it.

My OH can be a right git sometimes but he would never, ever blame an affair on me.

Oh god I bloody hate computers!!! before I get flamed I know, I know I'm on one now.

Hi MrsOnTheMove,
Some sites are just porn, as you say, however most many are not, they are places that weak men have their heads turned, and some men boys actually arrange to meet the women on them, just look at the threads on here if you want proof.

I'd be very wary about your DH being on these sites at all.

How come you gave 2 small kids, with no sex life?? Are you Virgin Mary?)

Ryma my youngest was 3 months old when I was diagnosed. Sex life hasn't been non-existent just not the three times a week (minimum) he'd like!

Any man who would say such a vile thing to his wife after surviving breast cancer and going through all the trauma that involves, is not a man worth having.

Did he support you through your illness and surgery?

WHen a couple have a mismatch in libidos, it's important to keep talking about it. The fact that he wants more sex than you doesn't necessarily make him a bad person - the fact that he is looking at porn and having a wank when you don't want sex is surely a better option than him pestering you for sex when you're not in the mood.

He was very supportive when I was ill. He perhaps doesn't help as much as he could now. The porn doesn't really bother me as it is 'normal' for him the other stuff does though.

Will have to have a chat - I've told him how important it is to me for him to get the snip (he hates wearing condoms, I have to 'remind' him every time - there are no aternatives for us), though he says whats the point?

Will have a talk when he gets home...

I think it's a bit more serious than wanking to a bit of porn, he sounds like a very nasty piece of work to threaten sex with other people as a consequence of OP not putting out enough for his liking. She's been through hell and needs support and understanding, if she got that she would feel much more loving I'm sure.

"Interactive" porn of any kind is a form of cheating to the vast majority of people in monogamous relationships.

He's into swinging sites, has made contact with others for sex, blames you for his infidelity - and you ask should you be concerned?

I should say so.

He does sound selfish but if the OP is both constantly nagging him to get a vasectomy and refusing sex, it's perhaps understandable that he's becoming resentful.
Mrs: You say he was supportive when you were ill, so he hasn't always been a selfish grumpy sod. It is difficult to keep a relationship happy when one partner is unwell for a long time, though - not saying it's your fault at all, you couldn't help becoming ill but if your H has previously been a good supportive partner, maybe what you both need is to put some fun back into your life - not necessarily loads of sex but affection, goodwill, scheduling in time to do enjoyable things.

He's been arranging extra-marital sex!
I'd say he's crossed a line tbh.