Accused of stealing by my mother

[OhWesternWind]

Hi - I posted this on WWYD but haven't got any replies, so thought that this forum might be a better place. Fingers crossed!

My mum has accused me, out of the blue and via e-mail, of stealing a gold locket from a box of jewelry several months ago. Of course I haven't done any such thing and e-mailed back on Friday to say this, and also that I was v upset about all this. She sent a nasty e-mail back yesterday which was pretty unkind and spiteful - and no apology!

My mum is prone to tempers and falling out with people, and has on several occasions in the past literally gone months without speaking to me rather than apologise or try to sort things out. I strongly suspect there is some mental illness but she refuses to talk about this or seek any kind of help.

At the moment she is not speaking to two out of three of her sisters and at least three of my cousins, probably more. Amongst family, the list of people she is speaking to is probably shorter than those she isn't so I am in good company.

I am fed up of this constant stream of crap from her. She is mean to me, rude to dp, unkind to ds and dotes upon and spoils dd to the exclusion of all others. But nonetheless she's my mum.

Any advice?

I'm sure there will be better people to advise along soon but I didn't want you to go unanswered. Can you ignore her behaviour and actually avoid her until she either apologises or appears to have got past it?

I sympathise. My grandmother was very like this and it was a complete PITA. She refused to speak to her SIL for 35 years because her SIL had said 'lets be friends' which grandma took as patronising... The fun for that sort of person is in the feud so if your mum is like that I'd let her enjoy it for a while but keep myself well away.

Can't choose your family eh?

I'm sorry that your mother is such a difficult character, and it does sound like she has some serious issues.

I guess the question is how you wouldlike to proceed with your relationship with her (if any) in the future. You say she is mean and rude and treats your children unfairly.

Sometimes people do more harm than good in our lives, a toxic family member is so hard to deal with because as family we feel we should be in contact, but in my opinion sometimes you have to look at the balance of things and decide whether you would be happier with that person in your life or out of it.

If you believe there is a chance to sort through things, perhaps talk to her and explain kindly that you love her and would like a better and healthier relationship with her and suggest working on this together?

You can only meet someone halfway unfortunately and if she is not prepared to do this then you have a choice to put up with her behaviour or not. Not a pleasant choice I grant you, but really it's about YOUR happiness and your families.

I have toxic family too, so understand your pain.

I would advise you to look at the Stately Homes threads in 'relationships' - there are a lot of us there who have to put up with this kind of thing.

The important thing is to learn, as far as possible not to be affected by what your mum does because you cannot change her but you can change whether or not it affects you.

Hmm, perhaps she accused you of stealing the jewellery because she hadn't had a row with you lately and it must be your turn? I wonder if the thing really was missing, or whether she mislaid or gave it away and just forgot, then looked around for someone nearby to blame. It does sound kind of like a mental illness or personality disorder. If so, you could wait an awfully long time for that apology, like the rest of your life maybe. If she's not all there she'll never even recognise she did anything wrong by accusing you. If anything she would expect you to apologise for making her believe you stole it! It's the world seen in a distorting mirror; you can't expect rational behaviour.

I don't know that there's anything you can do about it if she refuses to get help or admit she has a problem. All you can do, really, is keep a safe distance for the sake of yourself and your family. It doesn't sound as if you currently want to cut her out of your life entirely, though remember this is an option if you feel you need it. But strong boundaries and a refusal to put up with the crap are perfectly reasonable. Yes, she's your mother, but she doesn't own you. Your primary duty is to your children, your dp and yourself. If you can afford to help her, assuming there's anything you can do that she'd let you, then by all means factor that in, after the people who need and deserve your attention the most.

And for goodness' sake don't give her the opportunity to spoil your dd's relationship with other dcs/cousins, with the blatant favouritism. This isn't doing a little girl any favours at all.

My Grandmother was like that, very moody. It was found out after about 20 years that her mood swings were due to a tyroide unbalance, don't really remmember which hormones were involved. There are also different diseases which can cause that.
May be you could suggest your mum to get checked by a doc?

Thank you all for replying to me. It is a comfort to know that there are other people in the same boat and I will certainly look up those threads.

It is so difficult to know what to do. My life would be calmer and happier without my mum in it, but in reality that would be offset by a huge burden of guilt if I did actually cut ties with her.

I have tried to set boundaries in the past but she either ignores them or accuses me of being "unloving" or some such and goes into a huff and doesn't speak to me.

I know that I shouldn't let her upset me - you are right that my own emotions are probably the only part of this situation that I have control of. However, I do find it very difficult to be detached from this sort of behaviour and I literally feel sick at the thought of this current situation. I dread going home from work and finding another poisonous message on my e-mail. Maybe I am just a bit of a coward with regard to my mum - I think I turn back into the little girl wanting her approval.

There is a lot of history to this which I am not sure whether to go into or not - let me know!

You know Ohwestern my father is an absent alcoholic. When we talk on the phone (rarely) it upsets me so much and has had a strong impact on the sort of men I have chosen to be with..that seeking approval thing.

What i've come to realise is that there is nothing wrong with ME, I don't owe him anything and even though it is painful, it is easier for me to realise he made his choices and they weren't my fault.

With your mother her telling you you are being unloving is emotional manipulation to get you to pay attention to her. your mother controls HER behaviour to you..has she always been witholding of love and care?

The thing is parents make children feel as though it is THEIR fault they act a certain way, but they chose to be a parent...think of your own kids..would you ever treat them that way?

I have been reading this book called 'the mindful way through depression' which is fantastic at pointing out how our thoughts, emotions and body all link together to create patterns which are really hard to break. Feleing sick and upset at all of this is perfectly understandable because you are probably linking it all together with all the times she has been unkind and mean to you. This book helps to break out of those patterns (whether you are depressed or not) and can help in the aspects of your own reactions to her behaviour.

hth

Ohwesternwind,

This woman gave birth to you but has seemingly absolved herself of all responsibility since. You would not tolerate such behaviour from a friend; your Mum is actually no different in that regard.

Feel too the "Stately Homes" thread on these ppages would help you as would reading "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Like many adult children of toxic parents you are caught in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. She has not felt one ounce of guilt (toxic parents also do not take any responsibility at all for their actions) for treating your poorly; she is also more than happy to pass on all her crap to the next generation as well i.e your child. You have to stop the blatant favouritism shown towards your DD as well; it will affect any relationship she has with her cousins to its detriment.

You cannot either help someone who does not want to be helped; you are NOT responsible for her making her own poor life choices and decisions.

You can change how you react to your Mum (and counselling solely for your own self would be helpful here). You do not need her approval; this is something she would never willingly give anyway.

I would cut her completely off actually but that is one thing to write and another entirely to do. She brings nothing positive to you family unit.

Block her e-mail address and purchase an answering machine too.