I know this is wrong so why do i keep going back

[breakaway]

Hi, I have posted before, just wanted advice on how to handle new situation.
my h has always been abusive, we recently got back together after 2 months apart. i have 5 children with him and stupidly believed he had changed.
last week my dd had astrop at her sister and threw her phone. i was in other room and i heard h say to her, you are waste of space, a pratt and a billy no mates.
she is 15, recently left school and can be hard to deal with, very stroppy and withdrawn. she misses school and hasnt many friends.
anyway me and h had arow as i was fuming at what he said, this ended with him shouting me down and punching the wall. i told him to leave.
all other times he is caring, attentive and very good with kids and house and works hard.
i don't know how to handle this, he says he knows it was wrong, but who knows.

You had five children with a man who has always been abusive? [shcok]

If your daughter left school at 15 yet misses it, is she not perhaps looking for a strong parent to tell her to get back in there and start achieving?

Why did you stay so long with an abusive man?

I cant believe you sound like youre considering trying again. These are your kids, it is your job to protect them and show them what a relationship should (and should not) be like.

Your 15 year old sounds really down - please help her.

You say

i don't know how to handle this, he says he knows it was wrong, but who knows.

you know. your kids know. He has clearly not changed and nor will he.

PS Go to the GP and ask for counselling if you think that would help but dont ignore what is happening.

Good luck.

I really don't know why you are with this man

And why you felt it was a good idea to have five kids with him

I know that sounds harsh

But you are now in this situation and have to think of your children. Stop colluding with an abuser and sort your life out.

thanks i guess i know this is wrong, i am too much of a forgiving person i think.
dd not left school through choice she was in last year and waiting for college to start. i do try and motivate her but she has no motivation herself.
please remind me that it is not normal for a loving dad to name call even if teens are difficult

Please get your kids some help. Can you find a school that will take her, or a college course?

Agree with AF, but I'm confused about why you had a row after he called her billy no mates. It was a nasty thing to say, but what was there to row about? What he said was nasty, end of. You say he is very good with kids. Did he think it was ok to say that? Did he said it in the heat of the moment, and regret it later? Did he apologise?

Your poor DD will think that she caused the argument, and feel even worse. I'm not surprised she has no motivation.

Tbh, and I know this sounds harsh, I think you need to toughen up and be a bit more honest with yourself - you arent too forgiving a person, that makes it sound like it is something outwith your control or that it because youre too nice or whatever. You can change this. Youre the only one who can in fact.

she is starting college in september. am trying to find clubs for her to join.
i am colluding with him and i didnt plan 5 kids with him. i have been with him so long i guess its dependency. i have a 3 month old so life is very busy

I agree totally with waitingforbedtime. You are not being too nice, too forgiving. You have been selfish, having five kids with an abuser, becuase you wanted him. You have been doing what you want and i think you should face that. Now its coming to affect the children, there is no hiding.

I am not in any way defending an abuser, i dont know the detail of what he did or how he treated you. But i do wonder if he thinks you parent too softly, too much guilt parenting, letting the kids off with stuff and his reaction to the phone throwing sounds like one of despair. Despair at the life his daughter is heading for. Maybe he thinks you would have not handled it or dealt with it harsh enough?

You keep going back because you don't know any better and you want it to all work out. I totally get that. Please listen to someone who knows - you can not make something work that isn't working and your children need a better environment to grow up in. Your h is being abusive to the child , you need to make the break for good.

breakaway,

You need to get out before he destroys you and your children any more than he has already done. Your DD is very likely to end up with a man just like her Dad is as an adult; only you can change that particular outcome.

You are both teaching your children very damaging lessons about relationships here.

Anger management (I guess too that he takes his anger out on you solely rather than say the man in the street and work colleagues) and counselling is not going to be of any use at all in this situation; no counsellor would counsel you both together due to the ongoing abuse within the relationship.

Counselling for your own self breakaway would be helpful, perhaps Womens Aid run a Freedom programme course in your area. This is something I would urge you to attend.

I am so sorry, OP, this must be very, very difficult for you to read.

I hope we haven't frightened you out of posting again. Acknowledging you have a massive problem is a big step for you, I am sure. You will get lots of support on here, even if you are not yet ready to call time on your relationship, if you can accept the harsh comments are coming from a place of concern for you and your children. Some mwomen on here have been through this and do understand how difficult it can be to break away for good...

This man doesn't matter, he makes his own choices. So please don't forget that you have choices too.

Sorry I dont call some of the advice and comments on here as " coming from a place of concern"

To my shame I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years without even kids to keep me there I do understand OP .

Listen to Sugarmousepink and do get in touch with Womens Aid if nothing else for advice

Good luck

Breakaway - I fully agree with Gettingeasier. The incidents happen so quickly and then they often accuse you of being over-sensitive/misunderstanding or even turn what happened on you. In between times they can be charming. So you doubt your understanding of the situation. I keep a diary of events - it really helps act as a reminder. I am going, but realised I need support, which I secured during a phone call today. Often women need help to stay focused on the goal and face the difficulty of going it alone. I think that help is hard for people too close to you to provide because they too are involved in some way.

hi breakaway,

I'm really sorry it hasn't worked out and he hasn't changed. I know it's gutting when you believe something just might change and then bang, despite the words and heartfelt conversations, it all starts again. You're not stupid for hoping for something different. You've invested a lot in this relationship, you have children together and you feel a lot of the time it's ok enough.

I do know how utterly crap this whole thing can leave you feeling, how angry and despairing, worn down and numb you can feel - if you let yourself. I know how easy it is to feel no other kind of life is possible or change is just too terrifying.

I also know having children can make it harder for some women, for all sorts of reasons. It can feel so paralysing. I was lucky, when I finally left my abusive partner, I didn't have any. I know I would have found it harder, if I had.

Little steps forward and a great big hug Breakaway. I know it takes time to sort this stuff out in your head and how utterly alone and humiliated you can feel but look what you achieved.

You've separated once from him,
you recognise he's abusive,
you called him on his behaviour
and you asked him to leave.

There's nothing wrong with your judgement here. You just need more support. As has been suggested, women's aid might be a place to start.

Breakaway - i hope youre ok, I would never mean to make you feel worse, more just try and make you see that you have the power to change all this and that you can do it.

hi, sorry for not responding sooner, yes some comments were a bit judgemental and harsh.
as others who have been in or are in a relationship with these types of men, know that they are not like it all the time, they lack self control. i just don't understand myself and why i take him back, he has done many things over the years that have hurt me,
i'm not sure i even love him anymore, am going to have counselling to sort my emotions out. i am a strong woman and i don't put up and shut up.

I'm not surprised she's being 'difficult' and 'hard to motivate' if her dad calls her names like that. Her self esteem will be shot to fuck. You need to get her to a place where this man's words and actions have a minimal impact on her. Living under the same roof is not that place.

That's not normal, and it's not ok. Do you want her having sex with no protection because she's looking for validation from a boy, because her dad makes her feel like she's worthless? Or starving herself because she feels useless? Or getting out of her head every weekend? Because this is what happens to girls with low self esteem, not all, but plenty. Do something about it.

For the sake of your children as well as yourself, please get away from this man. He is an aggressive bully and you all deserve more. Your dd behaves in a certain way because that what she has seen and learnt growing up. It is hard to get away from this sort of relationship but you know you need to do it. Give your children lots of love, their father is incapable of doing so.

Hi Breakaway, this sounds very difficult for you

Abusers aren't 'like that all the time' - absolutely right; if they weren't charming at least some of the time they'd have no one to abuse. But I do have to disagree with something you said "they have no self control" - that's not true.

I bet he'd have a healthy sense of self-control before he threw things at a man bigger than him on the street. I bet he's got enough self control not to call his boss a useless waste of space, or hurl himself at a passing copper. The fact is, he abuses you and your daughter because he can get away with it. He's picking his victims quite carefully, making sure they're easy targets - and frankly, that sounds like he's got a lot of self-control to me.

Don't make excuses for him. He doesn't deserve them.