Need advice

[NeedDirection]

Am a regular but have namechanged.

I'll just check if its worked...

Ok, it worked.

I'm sorry this is long.

I have been with DP for three years or so- met him about a year before that but he was in the last throes of a relationship with someone else; they decided to give it one last shot and so he ended it with me. We had only been seeing each other a couple of months, but I was head over heels. I was devastated, bereft and -it turns out- pregnant.

I had a termination. I told him, and told him I did not want to see him again. He was still in my mind; 6 months after the termination I texted him. It had not worked out with his ex as he could not stop thinking about me (he said) and he began the long, slow process of courting me and trying to make up for the huge amount of hurt he had caused me. He did amazingly well, and we got back together. After a year together we had a shock. a girl he had slept with (whilst not with me or previous gf) had had a baby. His baby. This nearly split us up- I could not believe how stupid he was. However, we stayed together, he saw his son and we began to deal with it. (His son's mother has been amazing about everything).

Then I fell pg again. It was an accident, but on reflection, I probably took the risk because I wanted a child. He probably took the risk because he knew I wanted one and wanted to make me happy. We now have a beautiful 20mo DD.

Here's the problem. Since I gave birth to DD, I have not felt the same way about him. I feel like I have fallen out of love with him completely- thought it was PND at first; it could be.

I have had no sex drive since birth of DD. we have not had sex for two months- we used to be at it like rabbits.

I am very unhappy, and snipe at him all the time. I know how awful this sounds, but he is not as clever as me, and doesn't get so much of what I say; jokes, etc. He is from another european country, and we have no common cultural references- I feel sad about this.

I hate my job. I am about to leave it. this has a huge effect on my mood.

The thought of splitting makes me even sadder. I loved him so much; can this feeling ever come back? How would it effect DD? We are her world...

Is this what life with a young child is like? We are rarely nice to each other. I don't fancy anyone else, but often think about male friends and wonder if I'd be happier with them...

Is it over?

I don't know what to do, but just don't want to be unhappy any more.

Any advice or people who have been through similar would be so much appreciated.

You say that the thought of splitting up makes you sad. Then don't.

However, you use the word 'loved'. Do you still love him and are not 'in love' with him?

It sounds as though you are depressed. You don't mention arguments, just you sniping at DP.

And that you hate your job.

I wouldn't say that it's over. I think that you are tired and worried about not having sex. It's hard to get back into it once you've not slept together for a while.

Have you tried to talk to DP?

You've been through alot. Plus the fact that you have both had to come to terms with him having a son outside of your relationship is hard.

I think you need to start by talking to him. At least give him the chance to listen to you.

Take it from there and maybe consider going to see your GP?

Life with a young child is hard. I've had little sleep for 3 nights in a row and realise the major effect it has on the rest of my life. If you are working as well as having a 20mo old, then there is probably little energy and attention left for DP. Don't think that it is all about DP necessariliy, could be that you are generally unhappy about life? The work situation, being tired, perhaps lacking in 'me time' and sleep and feeling lacking in tlc?

Perhaps take a day out by yourself somewhere. Go on a date with DP? Can you manage a weekend away? Often sex and libido is to do with habit and women can easliy get out of the habit when a child comes along! I know I need about 2 hrs of peace by myself (to just empty my head and relax) before can consider being seduced! And that's by a DH I fancy and adore. It's the thing that gets sideline though when we've not had anough sleep ro there are other things to stress about. Perhaps just get on with it and have a damn good snog and see what happens? Hormones released during sex can make you happier in general too.

Am rambling now, so shall stop. Just have a look at all aspects of your life first and remember what made you happy together before the child came along. What about taking a trip to his home country to bone up a bit on cultural references? Ask him to take you to hsi childhood places, etc?

Have a word with your GP. It is possible that you have PND - it can kick in any time in the first couple of years.

Thank you for replying

SGB, I have been seeing my GP since my DD's birth; was initially prescribed CBT(useless), then prozac (hated it) and was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism. They have also suspected PCOS, but no conclusive tests there. I am due to begin seeing a counsellor, so hope this will help me make sense of it all.

Mouseface, I am knackered. I honestly can't even remember what being in love feels like; I just know it doesn't feel like this.

Hohumchops, you are so right about needing 2 hours of alone time before even thinking about sex- this is new to me, as I used to have an incredibly high sex drive, and was always 'ready to go'. I never get ay time alone at the moment, I will try and negotiate this... Have no money to visit DP's home country but TBH I feel bleh at the thought of going. The thought of travelling to another country with a toddler seems like a nightmare. Would love to go away for a weekend, but no money. You are right, I think it would help.

I also put on 4 stone during pregnancy which I haven't been able to shift; my confidence is at rock bottom.

Thanks for just listening to me rant. Is it consensus that I shouldn't end it?

I don't get why you think he was stupid to get another girl pregnant. He has got you pregnant twice so you must know his thoughts on contraception.

It also sounds a bit like you are punishing him.

I think he was stupid because he knew he had got me pregnant and then took a risk again. He had only got me pg once when he conceived his son.

When we conceived DD we knew the risk we were taking.

I think you may be right about punishing him. Shit.

I wouldn't rush into ending it.

You mention you're unhappy with other parts of your life - this may be affecting your relationship and how you feel about it.

I think hohumchops's advice is good - try spending time with him on your own and remember how it used to be.

NeedDirection: Well, presumably this bloke thinks that contraception is a woman's problem (which would tend to put me off anyway really). However, the fact that he wasn't your partner when he fathered his other child means that you should not be blaming him for this (unless he is dishonest in matters of contraception ie the first time he impregnated you he told you he'd had a vasectomy or something). He's obviously a Mr Turbosperm. And by the sound of it he is making an effort to be a good father to both his children.

Are you getting any time to yourself, for yourself? Sometimes, when you have small DC, it's easy to forget that you are a person not just a mum, and having an hour or so a week that is totally your time is very helpful (take an evening class, see a mate, go for a walk, whatever).