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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Intuition or Paranoia?

26 replies

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 12:00

How much do you all 'trust' your intuition when it comes to relationships?

Not sure if I'm reading too many of the infidelity threads here but something's niggling me. I may just be paranoid.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/07/2010 12:04

I think you will find that the advice from women who have been through infidelity, bad treatment etc etc would say you should trust your intuition more

It seems a common theme that they regret not doing that at an earlier stage

Have you a story to share ? Perhaps MN can help...

Original poster

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 12:09

Out with dp on weekend and bumped into someone he had a brief fling with a long long time ago. He has seen her for coffee within last 6 months and chatted with her on phone (he has told me this).

When we bumped into her, there was about 5 minutes where neither of them acknowledged the other, even though I knew it was her. Then finally they said hello, but both (especially her) seemed very very awkward. He recovered quickly and brushed it off rather casually after that.

I have been paranoid about her in the past (for no reason really except I know that they've been 'together'), so I don't know if it's me or was there something there that I'm 'missing'.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/07/2010 12:12

Ask him ?

I do have to say, there are certain blokes that if I bumped into (without some warning, especially), I might act a bit awkwardly

Nothing to do with my DH...just history, you know

However, you say they have been chatting and meeting so it shouldn't really be that cringey, should it ?

Hard to say really...he has been open that they are in contact so maybe just ask him more about it.

Mumfun · 19/07/2010 12:12

Totally agree AF. I have found my intuition spot on in last three years when H having affair. I even knew something had happened and talked to friends about feeling something wrong. They all reassured me but it turned out that was the time he started his affair. Trouble was noone could have believed it of him. As Ive written on other posts -he had been serially monogamous since puberty, lovely guy, real family man. He was still having an affair!

So trust your instincts.They are your best friend!

AnyFucker · 19/07/2010 12:13

what do you think of OP's specific situation, mumfun ?

more info required, I would say

and watch him closely, as she says her instinct has kicked in...

rupert22 · 19/07/2010 12:16

If they are friendly enough to have coffee and chat on the phone, i would be weirded out that they tried to ignore each other at first, that would make me feel i was the one making this awkward for them.

But why?

Original poster

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 12:17

He says he didn't know it was her at first...says she looked different.

OP posts:

Original poster

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 12:35

Okay I confess that I snooped a few months ago and saw a dodgy email from him to her. I asked him about it and he brushed it off with a fairly ok explanation.

I have no reason to think he's doing something he shouldn't be - he works like a dog and when he's not working he's with us.

OP posts:

rupert22 · 19/07/2010 12:36

oh what do you mean 'dodgy'?

Original poster

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 12:38

along the lines of.."I could never be bored of you'

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/07/2010 12:39

Working long hours does not mean he isn't finding the time to meet someone

Don't fool yourself with that on its own as a reason for not having the opportunity...

Hey, don't feel bad for snooping, he must have given you reason to do that

How was the email dodgy ? TBH, the language you are using ..."brushed it off"...."fairly OK explanation" highlights you don't trust him

Original poster

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 12:42

I do trust him. He's never given me any reason NOT to trust him. He's a very loyal person and we've been together a long time.

It was my own paranoia that made me snoop. We talked about it afterwards and his explanation of why he wrote that sounded okay to me.

OP posts:

akhems · 19/07/2010 12:46

Be vigilant for a while. This fling he had with her in the past, was it when he was with you or before you met?

My p was the same, went to and from work every day, ffs I even used to go and have lunch or meet him afterwards a couple of times a week but he still managed to find the time to have an affair.

It wasn't until the latter stages that he started 'going for drinks' after work and even then he would be home by 9.30pm.

rupert22 · 19/07/2010 12:49

tbh, i dont think i would be ok with my dh having coffee and emailing an old flame. Especailly emailing that he could 'never be bored' of her.

Somethings not sitting right with you, there has to be a reason.

AuntieMaggie · 19/07/2010 12:50

I would go with the others that say trust your intuition.

My friend knows someone thats been having an affair with a bloke for years - they meet on his lunch break and have sex in car parks and stuff. So if he is going to have an affair he will find time.

TrappedinSuburbia · 19/07/2010 12:50

Why did he write that, is she fishing for compliments?
Do you think she is after him or the other way around.
Are you included in the friendship, ie could you go for coffee with them.

Original poster

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 12:51

It was when he was with me but we were both unsure of 'our' relationship and I went off with someone else too. We were still only dating so it wasn't really an 'affair'. But I now he always wondered what 'it' would be like with her.

OP posts:

nevercheated · 19/07/2010 12:51

Namechanged.
On the other side of this, last Christmas dh thought I was cheating, trusting his "instincts". We had the worst Christmas ever with him shouting accusations at me, he had my SIL checking through my phone records to see who I had been calling, told his whole family very personal stuff about me.
It turned out he was having paranoid delusions and needed medication. Once on these he was fine and has now recovered very well.

But it left me very shaken and upset and I still get very tearful when I think about it and I would never, ever advise anyone to trust instinct alone after that.

Original poster

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 12:53

Trapped - I think yes, she was fishing for compliments and no, I don't want to go for coffee with them, although he told me after he went for coffee with her that I'd probably really like her.

Reading this back, I think SHE was more uncomfortable.

OP posts:

TrappedinSuburbia · 19/07/2010 12:53

Well your not having paranoid delusions, you have given some real reasons as to why you could be suspicious.

Original poster

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 12:57

I think I will talk to him about it later tonight.

I'm not delusional and I had really given up being uncomfortable about her ages ago - he did actually ask me if I minded if they went for coffee. That made me think that maybe they had some kind of a flirtation but that's all.

I'm okay with that. Call me a mug but I trust him to do the right thing.

OP posts:

TrappedinSuburbia · 19/07/2010 12:57

If I was you I would arrange to go on their next coffee trip (even though your not keen). It would only take the once to put a stop to her little fantasy (if thats what it is).

If he's told you this and been open then perhaps she still holds a torch for him.

He probably enjoys the fact that someone hankers after him.

Original poster

growingupslowly · 19/07/2010 15:14

Called him at work and told him I was feeling funny about what happened.

He reassured me there's nothing going on. Says she is an awkward person and he really did not recognise her at first.

I think I just have to trust him.

OP posts:

akhems · 22/07/2010 08:48

How are you doing GUS? are you feeling any better?

Original poster

growingupslowly · 22/07/2010 09:36

Much much better, thank you Akhems. We have talked a lot about it. I still find it all a bit strange but I have been with him long enough to know that he will do the 'right' thing by us. And my gut feeling is telling me all is well.

OP posts:

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