How conditional should love be?

[Elmtree1Ems]

After a strange week splitting up with my partner I got to thinking about the concept of unconditional vs conditional love.

I can truly say that the only people I feel unconditional love for are my family and especially my son.

But in a romantic relationship..can there ever be such a thing as unconditional love?

I mean love can be destroyed by so many things, from cheating to abuse to all sorts of unhealthy relationship quirks and foibles. Even just growing apart can do it I guess.

So is it wrong for me to want to be with someone who loves me inconditionally, no matter what I am going through? That for all my quirks and complexes and issues (as we all have them) the person I am with loves ME, loves who I am at core, and cherishes that, even when times are tough? I don't mean that I get to act whatever way I want and thats fine, I mean that the other person will love me even when i'm not at my best, even when my life is hard or I am not feleing great about myself.

Or is it the case that romantic love can never be like that?

That it is always conditional? On how you make the other person feel, on the balance of the good and the bad?

Just pondering this morning.

(ps thank you to all those who responded to my posts the last few days about breaking up with my partner, it was much appreciated, had to go cocoon myself for a coupla days and couldnt respond as it was too raw)

I'm not sure that unconditional love is appropriate in such a relationship. It would mean that anything you do or he does would be acceptable. Love includes respect and justice. It does and should matter how a person treats you and how you treat another. How you act is a reflection of who you are, and its not a case of 'anything goes' particularly where a couple have made a comitment to one another.
The closest to human unconditional love is a parent for a child and that is a mere shadow of divine love.
If you are interested in exploring this further, I found some really helpful articles on the question of unconditional love on a site about 'Equal Rights and the Christian church'.
This is a question I myself need to explore because I have been in a 28 year marriage in which I saw the ideal as uconditional love. However it has meant I have toleratedthat which I should not have done and have suffered considerable injustice as a result.

I love my DH even when he is having a bad day, even when he can be annoying, even though there are things he does which I wish he wouldn't, And he loves me the same. I'd say we're about equal in terms of how much we do that irritates the other, and how much we forgive each other.

But I think the important thing is that it cuts both ways - there are undoubtedly things he or I could do which would go beyond those limits, and which would make us stop loving each other, or which we wouldn't feel able to live with and continue together.

So - maybe it's unconditional within certain broad parameters?

For me it's a question of dependency which I guess is tied up with responsibility?

Unconditional love is reserved for those dependent upon me - such as children as the pp's said. I have a responsibility towards my children as they are dependent upon me (and it was my choice to have them).

I think conditional love is an important aspect of a strong marriage actually. If the love is conditional (and it is clearly laid out from both sides what each of their priorities, values, conditions and boundaries are), then every day that the couple is together is because they have consciously made that choice to be together rather than because they have to / feel obliged etc - if that makes sense?

I think that for me I want to be loved despite my foibles, but I accept that there are certain things which can make love disappear. I would not want to be with someone who would just stay with me no matter what I did, or let me treat them badly, but I DO want to be with someone I can trust to keep working with me and to keep going through our bad times.

I guess it's sort of like the for better or worse thing...but naturally there are limits to that concept aren't there? Like some of the terribly sad stories on here couldn;t be solved with just a 'stay through thick and thin' mentality.

So really how can you ever promise to spend the rest of your life with someone no matter what? There are always conditions I guess. and its probably right there are conditions.

I guess for me it's the feeling of not being 'good enough', and that once I am a certain way I will be 'good enough', whereas I am not abusive and I am not a nghtmare to be with...so I feel like any issues I have right now should not negate my potential as a partner. Uh if that makes sense?

sorry just working through some crap this am.

Don't think their is such a thing only with children.

Elmtree - that makes 2 of us - have been thinking about this and values, boundaries, respect etc a lot recently!

Yes - that's it. There's a big difference between loving someone warts and all, through thick and thin etc on the one hand, and loving someone unconditionally on the other hand.

In the first scenario there is a balance of power (and therefore equal relationship) and in the second scenario, the balance of power has been taken away or it can be easily manipulated?

I think being in a committed relationship with someone means that you have both "invested" in the relationship, and make an effort to make it work. You don't just give up on it because of a bad patch, you both try to find ways to improve the situation or endure it if it's a temporary blip, like an illness or stress from work etc.

It sounds like you need to get past the idea that only people who have a achieved the status of "good enough" can have relationships that work, or that once you get there it will make some magical difference.

If you're a reasonably decent person, not abusive or overly needy, then you should be able to have a relationship and have as much chance of making it work as anyone else.

There's never a guarantee that it will work out, but nobody is so wonderful that they can guarantee that, except by being a doormat which is not something anyone should aspire to! Everybody has issues, even if they don't show to the outside world - don't think that there are people out there who just waltz along in perfect relationships without ever having to readjust themselves or their behaviour. They may manage to make it look that way, but everyone is having to work at their relationships in little or big ways, at least part of the time.

"It sounds like you need to get past the idea that only people who have a achieved the status of "good enough" can have relationships that work, or that once you get there it will make some magical difference."

I can see what you are saying here, but I think (for me anyway) the conditional thing comes into play on a personal level, rather than determining other people or a status of good enough.

So deep within each person is a core set of values and beliefs and each person has to recognise what their values and beliefs are. This then lays out exactly where that person's boundaries are and these boundaries form the conditions for any relationships that person has with anyone else (partnership, sexual, friendship etc etc) including marriage / cohabitation. I think that's where the conditional love comes into play for me.

(but am still working these things out as I'm starting to come to a lot of realisations about myself and my life at the moment!)

I truly thought I loved dp unconditionally, however since realising he is a self harming alcoholic, I realise that to do this would mean loving him at a cost to myself and my son. I don't think relationships ever offer unconditional love.

AMumInScotland - Oh and absolutely agree with your last paragraph.

at 'For instance, I think I am hard work, I drink to much, I'm bossy and sometimes nag, I am lazy and can be really bitchy about people that have pissed me off.

DP however thinks I'm perfect.'

Funny, that's how DH feels about me! I am a nightmare at times and yet he stays, he puts up with me.

Don't get me wrong, he has his moments too.

But we love each other. That said, if he treated me badly, he'd be gone. I don't think I'd stop loving him just like that but the degree to which I love him would fade.

And in time, I'd stop loving him. I guess it would be the same for him.

Unconditional love in adult relationships - marraige/living together/partners - just can't exist. There has to be boundaries and there has to be conditions.