Someone please knock some sense into me - I am hurting

[brightandcheery]

Hi all,
I'm new but please just give it to me straight as I need a kick up my backside!

I'm female, was very close friends (or so I thought) to a male for a few years. Up until last week we'd text throughout the day then email in the evenings - we did nothing but laugh together.

I have pushed aside the habitual lies he has told time & time again. I know, I know, why be friends with someone that lies to my face so much? Because he is a lost soul, bit misguided & needs loving (& truth be told I want to be liked, I guess)

I asked to meet him & he said no due to working - I saw him in a public place 90 miles away with an ex he swore blind to me he was having no contact with (He said it was in my head then admitted it)

He had given up work & driven 180 miles to meet her yet wouldn't sacrifice his income or make a 12 mile detour for me last week to despite committing to spending time with me - he chose to accept a job & cancel me.

I am trying to work out the following so if anyone has been kind enough to read through this waffle & reply, I do very much appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

1. Why would he lie to me consistently? He says he is closed book as SHE hurt him & now he can't open up. Isn't that just an excuse as oppose to a reason? He says there are things I don't need to know.

1. If that's the case, why is even meeting her, let alone telling me he isn't...which means they ARE talking despite him telling me she is no longer in his life. He knows I just want him to be happy. There is no jealousy on my part. I am married.

1. He is happy to cancel a days work AND drive all that way for someone he claims to not care about yet he takes on work for the time we'd arranged to have together AND will not go out of his way to see me.

She treated him so badly (Assuming he is telling the truth on that one) Why is he putting me down & giving her priority? I don't get it.

Someone PLEASE kick my bum into gear. We haven't spoken for a few days & I am hurting.

Brilliant! Thanks!
Oh, and sorry OP, totally took over your thread there with bold nonsense.

bingo

No probs - glad to be of some positive use! It does explain on the EMPHASIS & smileys section just below.

Anniegetyourgun hit it on the head - maybe I was getting this out or perspective because he is male. I know I wouldn't have been put out if a female friend had done this.

He knows I just want him to be happy. He knows through some other experiences we have gone through that I would support him & that his happiness is the most important thing - I just wondered if someone that claims to care for me (as he regularly states) would ordinarily lie & make me feel like this when he knows it hurts me.

Yes but there's your answer. You've got higher expectations of him than you would have of a female friend - why do you think that is?

And again, what does your H make of your feelings about this?

"Why is he putting me down & giving her priority? I don't get it."

Maybe he's prioritising himself and what he wants to do!

If you find the natural course of his behaviour hurtful, tough. Why should he change to suit you?

You are not treating him like a friend.

"Because he is a lost soul, bit misguided & needs loving..."

This is how many controlling abusers attempt to excuse their behaviour. You think you know what's best for him and you think you are it.

There's a fine line between 'care' and 'control' and you are crossing it.

This is not a platonic friendship and if you put as much emotional energy into your marriage, maybe you'd feel less need to bond far too closely elsewhere.

brightandcheery, you sound a bit in love with him which would be why you may be feeling let down and disappointed by him right now.

Why does he have to regularly tell you he cares for you? Do you feel uncared about by him generally and you're looking for reassurance?

I ask, as my friends and I don't have to constantly reassure each other that we care for one another, so I wonder if it's because your feelings towards him are stronger than just friendship and you mention you've been through some stuff together.

Btw, I'm not judging you here. I don't mean to fire questions at you, just trying to understand a bit more.

You need to leave this man alone before he takes out a restraining order. He is not your partner. He does not 'love' you. He is trying to distance himself from you because he is aware that you are obsessively in love with him and he doesn't want to know. He is saying things like 'Of course we're friends' while running away because that's what people (unless they are pushed beyond endurance or very assertive) do when faced with someone who is making unreasonable and inappropriate demands on their time and attention.

WHAT
THE
JEFF?

summat to say, shirl ?

I think I've said it all AF.

have you got your arms folded under your bosoms ?

I've got them folded under my NECK. That's how I roll.