28 years

[ecumenist]

Find myself on my own with my three teenage sons. Missing my husband even though he let me down big time and eventually left - needs to take more risks with his life - has fewer years to live than already lived blah blah!Has been having affair for past two years (spending lots of money on smart hotels) and had affairs previously, one of which I knew about when the boys were small, but was determined to work through because too much to lose. He has been my only 'boyfriend' - met at uni and together since then. Many good times - he is my oldest friend.Little conflict is marriage , therefore a surprise for the boys. Have had to sell family home and now settled elsewhere, all within 3 months. Now taking stock - exhausted. Have I done the right thing? My sons are great and never wanted to put them through all this-I place a high value on family stability, but at what cost?

Hello ecumenist, come and join our thread this is a support thread for people in your situation You'll be in a good company and it's a safe place to share.

He's a serial adulterer, so in this situation you cannot resolve it and work through marriage counseling together. You have done the right thing. You know you have. What example are you setting your children by allowing a man to treat you this way? Someone on mumsnet said something very wise to me when I was struggling to end my marriage with my H who also had an affair:

I know you want a stable father figure for your kids, but it is equally important that your children see their mother being treated with love and respect, both by a partner and by herself.

The message we send to our children when we sell ourselves short by accepting far far less than we should can have a profound impact in how they see themselves as adults and their expectations from relationships.

You do your children no favours by perpetuating a situation in which their father figure is unrealiable and dishonest.

At the least, they will understand that their mother values herself too highly to be treated poorly, and this is a far greater example to set for them.

Whenwillifeelnormal is very wise and no doubt will come on your thread tonight to say the same to you but far more succinctly and better. You made the right choice, you know you did.

Just returned to mumsnet and found this supportive message. Thanks.
Life harder than ever at present. Feeling like I'm walking through treacle. Ocasional dark thoughts. I have also dicovered more about H - into bondage sex and stuff I had no idea about. Our sex life was rather dull and I tried to 'spice' things up but he was unresponsive. Seems he holds an odd view of women - I was definitely 'mummy' but the OW is 'lady of the night'. I have seen communictions between H and OW - don't recognise my husband. Foul words (he rarely swore and was not crude or offensive)and he sounds like a teenager (actually that does teenagers a disservice). I cannot equate this with the man I lived with all those years - I feel very foolish. What was real and what was false? H refuses to communicate with me except about practicalities. maybe that is good but I find it so hurtful. He seems dead. I feel great loss and wonder if I could have done things differently. In his final letter to me he said there was nothing wrong with me and that there had been no shortcoming on my part that had driven him away. He said it was his choice to explore elsewhere and he desired a life of greater risk than I would ever entertain.
The hurt gets more not less. I find it hard to accept i had no control in his final decision to leave, although if I had not got so cross perhaps he would have stayed. Perhaps I should have accepted him as he was and lived with it all. This sounds pathetic I know. But if I hadn't precipitated things by my response to the things I found and knowledge of another affair, things could have remained the same. The boys would not have been uprooted and our lives would not have been derailed. I feel woerse than before - no winners, only losers - my fault?

ecumenist, of course this is not your fault.
This was never about you, it's all about your lying, cheating husband and his twisted view of women.
He's just another one of those self-entitled, selfish men who only think of themselves because they are abnormal.

The only blame lies with him, not that it lessens your pain and anger, you must feel utterly cheated of a life that should have been.
Something very similar happened to my sister - her husband of 25 years went off with one of his many OW - it took her 3 years to find and divorce him, she lost her house because of his beligerance but now, seven years on, she is fine and happy, looking forward to the day she gets half his pension.

I hope you've taken him for everything you can, house/pension etc.

He was just taking up space in your life where you can now accommodate some other much better man. Who wants to put up with a Max Mosley character anyway.

You have left with your 3 boys, your self respect and your pride. That's a lot.

You are your own woman now. Wear what you want, see who you want, go on holiday where you want, when you want. Enjoy!

There is no pension and little equity in the family home which I have had to sell, although I do get a greater share. I am conscious on the need for some sort of workable relationship for the sake of my sons. I don't want it to get nasty although I do want justice and I feel cheated of a future that would have included at least 1 million inheritance from his father (this I believe, is why he has never been bothered about a pension). I hate talking money - but I really am left with with very little and am now in rental accomodation. I work full time but on a considerably lower income than he does. It just seems so unfair! S'cuse the self-pity.

You're allowed all the self pity you want. You and your kids have been royally shat on from a great height.

I know how much it hurts.

I think in your divorce settlement, you or your DC should be eligable to some of that inheritance.........given what a total and utter twat your H has been.

Fight for what you believe is rightfully yours.

Fight for justice for you and your DC you'll regret it later on if you don't. Your H has acted so shamefully.

I find the hurt getting more too. Councelling helped me for a while and I'm now considering CBT.

Lots of love and hang in there.

I think you would need a good lawyer to argue that the FIL inheritance is partialy yours
maybe worth talking to one now?

Surely he's going to pay you maintenance? What has your solicitor said? Have you instructed anyone yet? I had the Resolution website recommended to me to find a good lawyer to speak to.

Ecumenist,

Get a maintenance order, even if it is only 5p per year at present, when his inheritance comes in get a large share of that to "buy off" your maintenance claim.

He is going to pay maintenance for our sons (amount to be decided) but probably not for me or should I push for this?

Yes you should ask for maintenance presumably you didn't work for many years because you were raising your children - a joint decision!

Go and see a solicitor! ASAP.

Yes push for it. I got it.