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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

28 years

18 replies

ecumenist · 19/07/2010 08:54

Find myself on my own with my three teenage sons. Missing my husband even though he let me down big time and eventually left - needs to take more risks with his life - has fewer years to live than already lived blah blah!Has been having affair for past two years (spending lots of money on smart hotels) and had affairs previously, one of which I knew about when the boys were small, but was determined to work through because too much to lose. He has been my only 'boyfriend' - met at uni and together since then. Many good times - he is my oldest friend.Little conflict is marriage , therefore a surprise for the boys. Have had to sell family home and now settled elsewhere, all within 3 months. Now taking stock - exhausted. Have I done the right thing? My sons are great and never wanted to put them through all this-I place a high value on family stability, but at what cost?

OP posts:
Hazeleyedbaby · 19/07/2010 09:00

It sounds like you did the right thing, your husband was not respecting you by having affairs and risking your health etc. You put up with the situation for long enough and clearly he was never going to change. I hope you find that time is a healer and soon you will realise it was the best move for you.

helicopterview · 19/07/2010 09:11

Sorry to hear about your upheaval. I guess even though things were not perfect you thought he'd stick by you like you stuck by him. You must feel very let down.

You have 3 teenage sons and that's a massive achievement.

Assuming youngest is 13 or 14, you are going to be looking after them at home for another 5 years or so.

In the near future, can you plan exciting new things for yourself? Singles holidays? Painting courses? Stuff like that. Follow your own interests, meet new people, expand your life. Don't just be martyr mum.

Because in 5 years or so your youngest will leave home, and you need your life full of other interests.

You never know where these interests will lead you, but hopefully you will meet someone new who shares your outlook in life.

It's not over for you!

ecumenist · 19/07/2010 09:15

My health has been poor - on anti-depressents for past 4 years. However have a fulfilling job/career which has helped carry me through - feel someone at work, felt noone at home.If I'm honest much of the time it has been me and the boys. Have I been living years of denial? Am I simply a coward? -afraid to be assertive?

OP posts:
ecumenist · 19/07/2010 09:18

I find emotion hard and am endlessly understnding about everything and everyone - it is my strength but also my weakness - I find it hard to assert the need for justice - at least for myself.

OP posts:
helicopterview · 19/07/2010 09:25

I don't know if you two had counseling when you knew there were affairs in the past? Accepting it and turning a blind eye, if that's what you did, allowed him to live however he wanted with no regard for your emotional wellbeing.

Maybe you felt you were being kind to him, or that he would appreciate your forgiveness?

But did you ever really forgive? What about you and your self respect in all of this?

You say your health has suffered, and been on anti depressants. This suggests to me you have not really dealt with the infidelity, instead it has eaten away at you.

I'd be asking myself why my self esteem was so low I allowed this to happen. You say you have a good job, so I assume it wasn't that you were unable to leave financially.

I think it will be good for you to be out from under the weight of this selfish man.

Your sons are hopefully being kind and loving. You are lucky to have 3 of them.

Good luck!

ecumenist · 19/07/2010 09:47

Thankyou for your good wishes. I am beginning to realise that for forgiveness to happen there has to be repentance. He never fully did this. After i found out about his first affair he was sorry he hurt me but not about the affair itself(here our values differ because I believe it was wrong). He even said that I needed to look after him because he was grieving for his lost love. As usual I was understanding and empathetic. We went to relate for awhile but I was always more open than he was. We eventually decided to get on with life and put it behind us. But while I went out of my way to organise things he might enjoy and be a 'good' wife and mother, he always left me feeling uneasy on many occasions. I just felt guilty that I was not more trusting. I did confront him on numerous occasions an would only too happily accept his 'explanations'. So perhaps I have colluded in his behaviour? This is hard to accept but I have to reflect on my behaviour. I have always just wanted a happy family.
Incidentally, my father in-law asked if all this was just the coninental way of doing things since it was quite normal for a man to have a wife an mistress in France. What do yo think of that? Methinks like father , like son! I just don't want this behaviour to show itself in my sons.

OP posts:
helicopterview · 19/07/2010 11:14

I've never understood the French mistress acceptance. Maybe that's why so many married French women are so well groomed...to try to stop their husbands looking elsewhere. What a way to live.

That may be the culture over there, but in the UK we live by different standards, and having French family (is that what you are saying?) is no excuse.

It does sound like you have colluded in his behaviour, I'm afraid. You did not give him an ultimatum to stop or go. Maybe you knew he'd go? And a happy family is one where the mum is happy too.

I think you have put the kids first. I am guilty of that too, as are a lot of women.

I would try to see this new episode in your life as a happy release. You no longer have to suffer his insulting, selfish and demeaning behaviour.

Maybe some counseling on your own would help you see what amazing stuff you have to offer someone new. So you can get out there with a more positive frame of mind.

helicopterview · 19/07/2010 11:22

And regarding the sons, that's difficult. If they knew their dad had affairs, and that you accepted him like that, I would also worry that their values and attitudes to women would be screwed up.

I am sure you have had conversations with them about this since your h left. The best thing now would seem to be to sit them down and explain what a mistake you made putting up with this behaviour, that it's not acceptable, and what you wish you'd done earlier.

If that's difficult, maybe do it with a professional family counselor?

Sorry - don't really know what else to say about that.

My kids are younger than yours, and I am having problems with my H, and I too am aware of the responsibility we mums have in showing our kids with our actions what is and what is not right in marriage.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2010 11:36

I am sorry you are feeling low, OP

I just want to second everything hv has written

Coolfonz · 19/07/2010 12:01

Sorry to hear this, but please kick the ADs.

  1. They are useless as you can tell
  2. When you meet a lovely new man you are going to be afraid to get rid of them and/or tell him you've been on them.
glastocat · 19/07/2010 12:28

WTF Coolfonz? Taking Anti-depressants is nothing to be ashamed, and they certainly do work!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/07/2010 14:03

I'm not sure I understand this. At the start of your post, it sounded as though it was your H's decision to leave and that there is an ongoing other relationship for him. Yet you ask have you done the right thing? It doesn't sound like you had any choice.

If you mean, have you done the right thing all these years in putting up with unacceptable treatment and a terrible role model for your sons, then of course the answer is no.

Why do you need to forgive your H? As you say, you can't forgive someone who is not sorry.

You might need to forgive yourself though. You let yourself down badly. You may have told yourself all these years that you were staying with him because it would have been better for the boys, but very often I think that's a comforting delusion and in fact you were staying with your H because of your needs, not theirs. That is not meant to be unkind, but part of your self-discovery and healing involves challenging what you may have believed in the past.

The message you should give to your sons in a proper sit-down talk is that you very much regret colluding with their Dad's behaviour towards you all, over the years. That you did this because you love(d) him and that you had made false bargains with yourself that the boys would be better served by having an intact family. That you are worried that they have as a consequence absorbed a skewed belief that it is acceptable to treat women and children this way and you need them to know that this is not a healthy relationship.

I'd really advise some proper therapeutic help to process this and confront some of the bargains you have made over the years. There may be a point when you start to despise yourself for your weakness and you'll need someone supportive encouraging you through that phase.

But you can move on from this and take those lessons learned into new relationships, when you are ready. You would be incredibly wise and kind to yourself for now to heal with help and gradually grow into the person who will have high esteem and high expectations.

ecumenist · 19/07/2010 16:16

Thanks for all the advice. Still not sure about how to handle the boys though. They had no idea about affairs etc until he finally walked. Then I had to explain about what had happened and that it was not the first time, so that they could understand why I would not fight to get him back and that I had already given him chances. I asked them honestly if they ever suspected anything and they say not. I am seeing a counselor who says I am the best actress ever! I find it very difficult to let go at all - both tears and rage are hard to do.
The boys are good kids and their dad was absent a lot anyway. Two of them have seen him but my 17 year old refuses any contact at all.

OP posts:
ecumenist · 19/07/2010 16:25

Although H has had the current affair for over 2 years he has not left to be with her. She is also married with two teenage kids - the sort of commitment H is unlikely to want. He told his sons that he needed to do new things with his life etc.etc. Oldest son responded that dad was 'lame' ,Middle son turned up the playstation so he didn't have to listen. Youngest son listened and cried. H seems to be entering second adolescence as boys are in their first.H plays in a rock band, so do two of his sons - I celebrate that, H finds it threatening. I have treated H too much like a fourth son and he even started referring to me as 'mum'. This is all so difficult!

OP posts:
helicopterview · 19/07/2010 18:22

Mum? That's a classic. If he wants someone to look after him, he should hire a housekeeper.

Best wishes for the future

pinksmarties · 19/07/2010 19:18

Bloody hell.........ecumenist......your story is practically word for word the same as mine.

I can't believe it.........it's like looking in the mirror. I'm a bit spooked !

ecumenist · 20/07/2010 06:27

Really? Tell me more pinksmarties if you can bear to. How are you doing?
Thanks helicopterview for words of wisdom and understanding.

OP posts:
pinksmarties · 20/07/2010 20:13

I'm doing ok now most of the time. He left 2 1/2 years ago now.

your first post is identical to my situation.

Your second post is too except that I find tears and rage very easy and there are remarkable coinsidences in your last post regarding bands.

Don't want to out myself particularly although now I sort of don't care as much as legally its almost over iyswim.

You can cat me if you like.

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