I think I saw the beginnings of an affair the other day..

[akhems]

went to meet dp from work and got there early so was sitting in the car with a book waiting for him.

two people caught my eye.. they were doing that mirroring thing, little touches on the arm, gradually getting slightly bolder, lots of smiling and hair flicking and lip licking.

bloke was wearing a ring on his wedding finger, woman wasn't. it was clear that they weren't a couple, if you get what I mean?

I soo badly wanted to go over and tell them to stop.. to warn them of the pain they would cause but I didn't cos they'd have thought I was a loon. It made me feel sick to be honest.

When dp came out I pointed them out to him and he watched a bit and then said omg! he could see that that was how his affair started. I suppose in a way they did us a favour because I think it gave him a lightbulb moment. He finally got what I'd been saying about the pattern and the script affairs seem to follow.

It opened up some new dialogue for us and gave him some insight into his own behaviour that he hadn't grasped til now.

It really bloody hurt to see them though, knowing what's ahead of them

I'm pleased that it opened up dialogue between you and your DH. However, how can you be sure that the people you were watching aren't married to each other? I have been out with DH without my wedding ring on a number of occasions, for example when mine has been being cleaned or replated. DH and I are affectionate with each other in public too

hi three.. I thought about that, that maybe I was being too judgemental but it was all far too tentative. They didn't have the familiarity with one another that a couple who'd even been going out with one another for a short time would have.. does that make sense?

They work in the same building as dp so maybe I'll see them again, it's not that I was being nosy, but it was fascinating to watch, bit like a car crash.

Hi akhems - how are you doing?

I think I will be like this now too, hyper sensitive to men and women being sooooo stupid.

My friend who's partner walked out on her and her 1 year old son because he was having an affair with a woman at his work place. She feels exactly the same as you, she says its like having radar, that she is suspicious of any innapropriate behaviour, especially the partners of her female friends.

They split up 6 years ago. She said the pain eventually goes, and she no longer feels anything if she hears "their song" or the like.

Hi Cherry, glad to see you. I've been keeping an eye on your thread in case you came back and wondering how you're doing.

I don't know if I would have noticed them if it weren't for the fact that I was sitting there for so long, but once they'd caught my eye it was so obvious.

I think it did him good to see it.. he seems to be being more honest with me and with himself in our talks now, I'll do a proper thread soon when it's less jumbled up in my head.

How are things going with you?

Hello akhems got busy morning, will update you on this thread later!

I think you've got an over-active imagination.
You're projecting your own experiences onto other people- you don't know anything about this couple- this chap may have been a widower who doesn't wish to part with his ring.
Perhaps they are both single in a new relationship hence the lack of familiarity.
Even if he is married, why assume an affair is an automatic recipe for heartache- maybe his wife is horrible to him. My point is: I know not of the private life of this 'couple' and nor do you.
No offence but I also think your dp was humouring you to a certain extent about a 'lightbulb' moment for him.
It is my guess that he is bemused by what you said and because he-rightly- feels bad about cheating has gone along with your 'insights' out of wanting to make you feel better.

Come on, OP, are you seriously trying to say here that your dp didn't know how his affair started? That somehow he sleptwalked into it?

Am just wondering why marantha feels the need to bait the OP

This isn't AIBU and she was musing about an experience she had, not asking for a dissection of her own relationship

Sorry, OP, I think the above sounds a bit harsh, but sometimes people will go along with what you say (as in your dp going along with your 'lightbulb' moment you describe here)because it's easier for them and they know they've done wrong.
Inwardly, he may be thinking, "Look woman, I know exactly how my affair started. I'm not daft. But I don't want to annoy you by disagreeing cos I've been a bad boy and I know it".
Just be aware of the possibility, that's all.

I agree AF

Akhems, we had this experience too, about a month after discovery. Likewise my H felt more agitated about it than me. I also completely understand how, when you see something played out in others, it forces you to see that your situation wasn't unique and that there is a script for how these things start. Just like watching a play or a film can cause you to identify with the situation being enacted before your eyes.

Cheers AF, that's exactly what I was doing

marantha, I'm not a fool, I wasn't projecting anything, if that were the case I'd be seeing affairs on every corner! this couple were so obvious that it was cringeworthy.

as to my dp.. given the talks we've had over the last 6 months, compared to ones we've had over this weekend.. I'm inclined to think that he has finally stopped lying to himself which has given him an insight. I didn't tell him to have a lightbulb moment, all I did was point out the couple.

I do appreciate your input tho, a different pov is always useful

Hiya wwifn.. we've crossed again

Yup.. all the months of me telling him it was a script and him not recognising that, even though I was able to predict things before he even knew he was going to do them just went over his head.

sitting in the car observing those people for a few minutes gave him a jolt that nothing I said ever could. He visibly changed, body language, facial expression, everything. You can fake some of those things but not all in one go, and I'm pretty good at reading him now anyway.

We didn't talk about it specifically but when we did talk over the weekend, his tone and what he was saying have changed. He seems far more self-aware and more accepting of what I need from him and he's actually putting that into action.

I need to do a proper post about things but don't have time atm.. will do soon tho because I need some mn wisdom.

Interesting Outside of psychology/anthropology professors, I've never heard of a man who gets this stuff about non-verbal communication!

What you saw might not have been the beginnings of an affair, akhems. I'm thinking of my sales career, in which I deliberately nurtured any positive feelings between client & me - including "that" sort. Just saying that one of them might have been encouraging the other for other reasons, iyswim. It doesn't alter the truth of what you saw, nor diminish the value of what your H learned.

Shouldn't have said "never heard of", that's ridiculous. I meant something more like: Few men are as clued-up about nvc as most women are.

Now your H has got the idea, I bet he'll be picking up clues all over the place!!

Lol I hope he doesn't - it's quite handy that he doesn't know which behaviours to hide.

It would have been difficult not to pick up on it.. one would put a foot on the railing.. the other would copy, one would lean back, so would the other, then they'd lean forward. Lots of chest and hip thrusting, it was like watching an Attenborough documentary, lol

You could be right that I was misreading things but I don't think I was.. they both work in the building, it was hometime so other colleagues were coming out and greeting them but sort of being shooed away by them.. it's difficult to explain but I just have a hunch.

Anyway, chances are that I'll see them again as I'm down there a few times a week.. so we might see how it pans out :/