"Family" holiday without DH?

[scouserabroad]

Long-time lurker, tho I do post about once every six months or so

Haven't been on holiday since 2004, and DH doesn't want to go anywhere. Won't even go for family days out, nights out with me, anywhere really. He's very much a couch & TV kind of guy, which is driving me quietly insane!

I've been wondering for a while about taking the DDs and going on holiday with them while DH stays at home. Would this be really bad of me? I'd feel guilty because he works really hard and how could I enjoy a holiday if he wasn't part of it? He had two weeks off in June (which he'd booked off months in advance) and he just didn't want to go anywhere. He's planning to go and visit his family who are abroad, but he could have gone this year & didn't. I've wondered about depression, etc. but he blanks me if I try talking about any "issues" and it's got to the point where I just don't know what to do.

I think I had a touch of depression after having DD1 (she's just turned 4 now) and I sometimes feel like I've never got back to how I was pre-children, everything seems so difficult now. I'd like to have a break from the routine and clear my thoughts a bit, does this seem like a good idea or would it be selfish?

Gosh go without him and have fun. (he's not my friend's aspie husband, is he?)

i'm taking my 4yo to wales in a couple of weeks.

I won't get a break myself. But then again, why would i want one now? Haven't had one in 4.5yrs..

Only been out with friend without ds only twice, both times in the last 3m!

My ds is easier to care for. The way i look at it, is that i'm having a break from one apparently helpless child, so i can go off and have a laugh with my little man, who wants to help in anyway if can.

Yes it is sad, but it's dh loss, i'll be damned if ds will suffer because his dad can't be bothered to put himself out, or allow anyone within a 5 mile radius to enjoy themselves...

Sounds like you have a tough time at home- being with a partner who has no enthusiasm for holidays/days out must be draining. I spend hours during teatimes with kids and H discussing holidays and even though we don't actually go on many, the fun discussions we have, and things we learn with the Internet on kitchen table, are great!

Work out what would constitute a break for YOU, never mind anyone else. Just think, what would you find relaxing - a beach, pool, kids clubs, camping, and go for it. You need a break and your kids will love having a relaxed mum, without the distractions of washing, shopping etc.

DH likes snow and ski-ing, I like sun and sailing we have discussed that if we can afford holidays next year he goes ski-ing whilst I stay at home with the kids and then later in the year I go sailing whilst he stays at home with the kids (and if that is not poss because of his work then I will go somewhere with kids clubs!) Just because you are married (or partnered up) doesn't mean you actually merge into the same person who both like the same things. Your DH doesn't like holidays but you do, don't let that hold you back and take the kids but make sure you also get kid-free time when you are at home.

If you're looking for ideas of places or how many kids type places to visit there are in a particular place, I find the tourist board websites fantastic. We usually go within the uk though so but I think this is also the case for abroad places too. Are your kids old enough to join in the researchy bit and go through webpages / brochures with you?

I would suggest that as well as you taking the kids away for a bit, your DH also needs to spend time with them so if he doesn't like holidays he can stay at home with them while you have a long weekend away yourself.

Go with a friend or visit somebody or just go.. it's only a few days, you'll find it sooo liberating and it'll give the kids time with their dad which they'll miss out on if he doesn't do family holidays.

After seeing your reply to our thoughts OP and having re-read your original post, I do think there is much more to this than a partner who doesn't like holidays. He doesn't seem to like spending time with you. Hidden between all the stuff he doesn't like doing, there is this: He doesn't like.... "nights out with me" and later on, I note you said that when ever you raise whether he has got any issues, he "blanks you".

Now maybe you'll tell us that he is just a miserable sod who is old before his time, but this sounds to me like someone who is under-invested in your romantic relationship.

ooh, underinvested in romantic relationship... WWIFN, that's inspired! you are so right!

thanks

Underinvested in romantic relationship is right! His excuse has always been that it's too much hassle going anywhere with the DDs, but it's not, really, especially now that they're a bit older (DD1 is 4 and DD2 nearly 3) it's starting to feel like he really doesn't want to spend any time with me. Surely if he wanted to spend time with me, he would, even if it meant having to brave hordes of Haribo-fuelled preschoolers??

I think maybe I just irritate him, not sure what to do about that though. I remember setting up party games before DD1's birthday party, and he just sat there not saying a word but looking at me with the sourest look in the world. I do try to make sure our life isn't totally child-centered, have lost count of the number of times I've tried to motivate him to go on nights out, etc. Have given up on this now. Plus I have a few hobbies (running, allotment, etc.) but he won't join in or do any activities of his own.

That's why I sometimes think he might be depressed but even if he is, surely at some point he has to do something to help himself?

Anyroad, all this is why I want a holiday all on my tod with the DDs! Will print out thread & show it to anyone who is at me going away without Dh!

BTW lovestowalk looking at tourist board websites is a great idea, thanks

Maybe you having a holiday without him might be the kick up the arse that he needs.

Have a nice time. You will enjoy it more without old miser guts spoiling your fun.

On some level scouser, I think it's a kind of jealousy thing.

DS 1st birthday was down to him (we were in his godforsaken country) We marked the occasion with a cake. Nothing more. I wanted to take DS out, on a pony trap along the corniche. I'd spoken about it for ages. He just didn't bother.

When I next came back to the UK, I bought presents, my parents gave me presents, I bought hats and fun things so that we could have a mini-party - even if we still weren't allowed to actually go out and do something.

DH sat in the kitchen, refusing to have anything to do with any of it. The look on his face was one I'm not likely to forget. I ignored him and carried on with our little party. I eventually told him not to sit out there in the kitchen but to join in.

It turned out that in his country, they don't celebrate birthdays. Add to this the man in his land never does a single thing for himself, is waited on hand and foot and gets what he wants when he wants.. (Not with me though...)

So I think it's that they begrudge the attention being spent elsewhere.... the fuss being directed at their DC.

Not saying it's right, It's not, not at all, but I find it helpful to work out why they behave as they do. Not making excuses for him, I hate this pathetic behaviour in him, but at least I know what reaction I'll get.

DH is averse to all joy in life, why the hell would I want to go on holiday with him?

So plan your holiday, book it and go!!! Enjoy it all, cos you will, you can't fail to enjoy it with old sourpuss out of the way.

FWIW, I don't think it will give him the 'kick up the arse he needs' It very likely may entrench him further... but we all know who is right and who is wrong in this, and why should everyone suffer in the meantime, because he is hellbent on doing so?

I too once thought that DH is depressed, but you know what? It is possible to be a miserable bugger without being depressed or having a label he can lean on for sympathy.

I got from my stepdad when he was told about me going to wales without DH. To him it was unthinkable. I told him that I didn't want him to go, that he would moan and we'd do nothing. I also told him that he'd lose his weeks wages, cos he doesn't get holiday pay, so it'd be a miserable week, and on top would cost him hundreds of pounds and I'd never hear the last of it... especially if the weather pisses down all week.....

Sod what other people think scouser! Are they going to make your DD's memories?? NO! When your DDs look back, they can say how much they loved their girl time away with their mum, rock pools, playing on the beach, etc etc... not oh Aunty Jane said we would have a better holiday at home with dad refusing to go anywhere....

Sooo, where are you thinking of going????