Don't know if I love my new babies father any more.

[SMoMMY]

Can someone please give me some advice, I have just had a PFB 8 weeks ago and I?m not sure if I want to be with the Daddy anymore I just don?t think I love him as much as I used to.

I know my emotions will still be all up in the air but I just wondered whether anyone else has had the same problem. I have now settled into a good feeding and sleeping routine with her and I feel some clarity is starting to come back into my life but I don?t want to do something I may regret? Sorry long story here.

I think this is because I still have feelings for someone else that I didn?t know until recently that they loved me.

6 Years ago I worked with an amazing guy that I was very fond of and we flirted a lot and went out a lot (only with the whole team though ), but he didn?t ask me out. When I left the printing firm, it was just he and I left at the end of the night and I was drunk and I said goodbye to him and kissed him and said I always fancied him and asked him out. We went out a few times, not what I would call dates, but there was a definite chemistry there (lots of eye gazes and hand touches), but it never went any further i think he was very shy. And then I went to work overseas for 2 yrs, but I never forgot him and we kept in touch with regular phone calls and emails.

Then I met my current partner and came back to the UK about 4 years ago. We moved in together 2 years ago and have just had a beautiful baby girl. I guess you could say, we have a pretty standard relationship, but the spark seems to have gone and I wonder if I had the baby to try to save the relationship.

I kept in touch with the guy I used to work with and used to meet up about twice a year to catch up. I guess looking back, there was still an attraction there, even though he knew I was with someone else.

My confusion started about 6 months ago when I met amazing guy and he told me that he had always loved me and had never forgotten about what I said to him and he had been carrying a torch for me for years. He said this to me even though I was pregnant. I was just shocked and said that I couldnt answer him and I haven?t spoken to him since and he hasn?t contacted me.

I know I shouldn?t even be thinking about this with a new DD, but i just cant stop thinking if I should be with my partner or the guy. Should I stay with the daddy for the new babies sake to at least try to see if it works or not. Should I wait a year to decide?

I am not one to say that people should stay in relationships in ALL circumstances and if your partner was abusive or treated you like dirt (and there is no indication of this in your post), I'd say leave and don't look back.

BUT, for goodness sake, given that your partner seems decent enough, of course you should be aiming to stick with the father of your child not just for a year but for LIFE.
I can't believe how casual you are about it, really I can't.
You should at least be TRYING to make a go of things for heaven's sake.

I am sorry but I am not feeling very sympathetic towards you. I know you must be tired with a newborn, and are in a muddle, but to me this is how it looks:

You are being selfish and unfair towards the PFB's father.

He presumably knows nothing of your long-held feelings about this OM. It also sounds like you did not let him know that you were still in touch with each other. So you have kept this flame going secretly. This is an emotional affair.

You must sort out your feelings for your partner first, before doing anything about the OM. Talk to him, work out why you are vulnerable to an affair.

You owe it to him to give him a chance to fix things with you. Especially since you now have a child together, and come what may will be in each other's lives for a very long time.

By the way a man who will mess with your feelings whilst pregnant with someone else's child is hardly a great catch.

Sorry.

"Amazing Guy" had plenty of chance to ask you out if he was interested imo.

Don´t waste another thought on someone who is pathetic/nasty(?) enough to tell you that they have always loved you now that you are no longer available-and they had opportunity to tell you when you were available.

The bit that jumps out at me is that he declared his love for you whilst you were pregnant and in a relationship, i.e. pretty much unavailable. Perhaps he wouldn't have been so bold if you were in a position to do anything about it?

x post diddl

I don't think a baby often "saves" a relationship. They rarely bring you closer together. More like, drive a bit of a wedge. Especially in the early, tiring months. But with some effort you can get your relationship back on track.
Is it worth considering relate?

I really feel for you as was in this situation myself... almost exactly.

I decided in the end that the guy changing baby's nappy at all hours of the night and loving me despite my eratic mood swings and stretch marks was the guy to stick with and the guy who sprung on to the scene and thought nothing of telling a woman who was pregant with another (very decent) man's child should be told under no uncertain terms to back-the-fuck-off.

I think this guy told you what he told you because it was 'safe' you were pregnant and so very unlikely to do anything about what he said.

The other guy took you at a weak moment and used it to his advantage.

I will tell you what I did:

I told the other guy that I was someone elses partner and felt uncomfortable with the friendship continuing whilst he was harbouring these thoughts about me.

I stuck with the father of my child.

He turned out to be a cock and cheated on me etc etc.

I left him and called up 'other guy' told him that as he had loved me all that time I was now single and did he want to make a go of it...

The look of fear in his eyes as he looked at me... then at the screaming one year old girl... and at my suitcase.... was not good.

I say do what you feel is right to do in regards to your current relationship but do not think of this other guy when making your decision.

You have no real idea what his motives are, and again you are vunerable.

Plus with an 8 week year old baby I doubt you are in a good postion to be making life changing decisions unless of course your partner is being cruel to you or baby.

Someone on here said never to make any major decisions about splitting your relationship in the first year of your new baby's life.

Abuse/infidelity aside, I think this is really good advice.

"but it never went any further i think he was very shy"
It never went any further because he wasn't really interested, imo. I don't think being very shy ever really stops many men who are interested. And you kept in touch, so there was no difficulty in saying how he felt.

Then, when you are pregnant, suddenly he's not shy at all - when he really should have been. Life isn't a romantic novel, with some lost love waiting to rescue you from your relationship.

If I were you, I'd concentrate on the baby and your current partner for a while to give that relationship a chance. Good luck!

Just to add a bit of clarification here and I know that I am probably not thinking straight having just had a baby.

I really do love my Daughter and would do anything for her I want to make sure that she has a good life.

My partner knew that I was still in touch with the guy and it was not some emotional affair.

I suppose, did I think the guy was just a friend or was there some attraction there from me as well-I don't know.

I don't think the guy only said it because he knows I was unavailable, he really is terminally shy, he has issues with public speaking and said it has taken him years to pluck up the courage and he almost looked like he was going to pass out when he told me. He really isn't the type to hurt someone or to try to. But I wonder if then he maybe just had to tell me even if he knew it could go nowhere. I don't know, but I do miss hearing from him.

My feelings for my partner, are, well I just don't know. I really don't know if I feel anything for him, (is this just the post baby feelings?). He is not abusive or cheating, but I'm not sure if I love him as I once did.

I guess the person above is correct, there are two issues here 1 about my relationship with the father and a totally separate one is about this guy. I should know whether I still love my partner first and I'm probably not in the right frame of mind now, so I'll see how it goes.

I hope this doesn't sound as bad as it seems, I would never cheat on my partner and would only leave him if I really didn't love him any more.

"I really do love my Daughter and would do anything for her I want to make sure that she has a good life".

Is this REALLY true? So what if that meant putting your yearning for romance to one side because the best thing for HER turned out to be having a mummy and daddy who were still together?
Would you put her needs before your own?
Truth is, I don't think you would.
You seem to expect long-term relationships to be about fluttering hearts and romance- the concept of just getting on with it is, I think, alien to you.
Wish you'd thought a bit more about having a child and the reality of it.

Oh and thank you for your comments so far

I would think long and hard before acting on your feelings if I were you.

My DB's wife left him when their twins were 4 months old, due to similar reasons to you.

They are nearly 3 now and he has full custody. She is alone having realised her "dream guy" was a violent twat and her real Dream guy was infact my DB, who has now moved on.

Sorry, but 'Amazing guy' doesn't sound amazing at all. What kind of a jerk would mess with the mind of someone pregnant with her PFB and in a relationship.

I think you need to put aside any consideration for 'Amazing guy' and first sort out your feelings for your dp. I think lots of relationships suffer when a new baby arrives, especially the first. I almost hated dh when I became a mother, he seemed like a nuisance and a pest when I did not want any distractions at that time. Like at the end of the day when baby was asleep I didn't want to spend my time sitting with him and talking or whatever, I just wanted to go to sleep! I think you should give your relationship a chance, and this should be without any thought of the 'Amazing guy' waiting for you out there.

you may well be right, but I'd postpone making a decision for a few more months (not forever though).

If you still feel the same in 4 months then I don't think you're instinct is wrong and I don't think you should ignore it just because he isn't abusive!!!

If you leave your baby's father though, don't do it for another man. ONLY do it for yourself. Assume that if you leave him you will be single next. Don't jump from one relationship to another, neither of them being right.

I agree with Maranta. You say that you don't love your partner the way you used to or you're not sure if you still love him...
Passion fades away, lust fades away what you should be looking is for a man that you can trust, can talk to and know he's going to be there for you. That what love is in the long run.
You just had a baby and your emotions should be still pretty wobbly... You definitely need to think everything through properly...

And what is that 'amazing guy' wasn't your partner 'the amazing guy' when you first met him? Cos the amazing won't last for ever. By the sounds of it it looks like you don't know the guy properly, cos you worked with him and then e-mail him or talk to him but you don't know what he's really like... You don't know what kind of person he is in day to day reality...

Think about it all. You have a child you have a man that loves you both, don't forget that life isn't a romantic affair there's a lot of crap you going to have to deal with and who is going to be next to you to support you???

Best of luck

I do feel for you.

You have just had a life changing transformation in your life and your are probably not back to your full self yet, so don't rush into any decision.

I think you do realise that there are two issues here, but you should give yourself a chance to lose the baby brain muddle and at least give yourelf sometime to recover from the pregnancy.

It is difficult, but try to forget about this until you are thinking more clearly as you are confusing the two issues and you need to make sure that you don't so something for the wrong reasons.

In 6 months time at least, you need to decide whether you do love your husband and this is just the thoughts that a lot of mothers have after having a baby, of being unsure of the future or whether there are some other issues.

Questions you should ask yourself then are:

Do I still love my husband or have we drifted to the point of no return?

Does he still love me, does he feel the same way about you?

talk the feelings through

Relationships change over time and a baby changes things and things will never be quite the same in a couple again, this can be one of the hardest times in a relationship.

Sometimes, unfortunately things do not work out and many many couples drift apart and split up after a baby.

You need to work out whether your relationship has evolved as you are now parents and you can go on together. The relationship will be different, but in a good way or whether it is over.

But it should be a discussion between you both.

Only once you have the solution to that issue can you move on to deal with the other issue.

Only if you realise that your relationship is over with your hubbie, should you even consider if you want to pursue "amazing guy",
or if you just want to be remain friends with him, if you both agree that it can go no further than just friends or that you never contact him again.

Whether the guy thought there really was a chance because you kept in touch, I don't know. Ask yourself, were you still flirtatious with him, have you suggested to him of problems in your relationship?

The When Harry Met Sally thing about men and women can't be friends without the sex thing getting in the way is often true.

He chose the wrong time to tell you, but giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is now doing the right thing by not contacting you.

I wish you good luck in this.

Op I think you are in denial about how badly you are treating your partner.

You say father of your baby knew you and 'amazing guy' were in touch, but you say:

"My confusion started about 6 months ago when I met amazing guy and he told me that he had always loved me and had never forgotten about what I said to him and he had been carrying a torch for me for years"

Does you partner know that?

Really?

Telling him you are in touch is not the same as revealing the attraction between you.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions. You have been having an emotional affair, before, during and after your pregnancy.

I feel the same way. My baby will be 8 weeks this Sunday and my partner has been absolutely amazing. He stayed with me for two weeks in hospital whilst our daughter was in NICU. He didn't leave me alone for one day. He sold his old car and bought a cheaper one so he didn't have monthly payments. He also sold his gaming pc to buy me a ring. Which he wanted to propose with but I said 1 month was too soon. I didn't feel like I knew him.

The thing is we've only been together a year now ans we didn't plan on becoming pregnant. I didn't even know until 16 weeks.
We talked at the time about abortion or adoption as I didn't feel ready and I wasn't sure how I felt about him, having not long left a 4 year relationship.

But I couldn't go through with an abortion.
Some people can, but I really couldn't.

My daughter is the most beautiful little thing and I want what's best for her but I just sort of feel emotionless towards my partner.

Maybe because I've been pregnant for 10 months of our year together I just haven't got a physical attraction to him.

I just don't want to be unhappy and I don't want my feelings to impact our daughter. I don't want us to be a couple that argues in front of her because I'm not happy.

Don't get me wrong there are times when in feel attracted to him (he's a good looking guy), but I just don't feel as happy or as in love as I did with my last relationship.

Now I don't want my ex back, he cheated on me and there's no going back but I'm just so confused to be honest.

Do hormones effect this type of thing.