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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable?

30 replies

emkana · 20/08/2005 20:15

Dh, dd1 (4), dd2 (2) and me spend pretty much every weekend together, from morning to night. We often go out for day trips somewhere - about every other weekend. We also go swimming together once or twice a month. On a Sunday afternoon we visit the in laws for Sunday dinner. Whatever we do is generally together. Dh is great with the kids in the sense that he is very patient with them, is very good at talking to them at their level, being understanding with them - much better than I am. What we don't agree on, however, is how much undivided attention he should give the girls, eg playing with them with their toys etc. When we are at home, dh will read the paper or be on the computer or sometimes do stuff in the garden, and he'll respond to the girls if they come up to them with something, or he'll talk to them while doing gardening, but he never sits down with them just to play with them. I really think he should, but he thinks as long as they're happy playing by themselves and him (and me) being around, that's enough. What do you think?

OP posts:
hercules · 21/08/2005 15:03

I also read whilst dd is in the bath.

emkana · 21/08/2005 15:05

hunkermunker - I mean things like playing board games with dd1 who is four, or doing pretend picknicks with them which they both love, or just following their lead in playing with their stuff.

OP posts:
LittleMissNaughty · 21/08/2005 15:13

Emkana, I do see it from your point, particularly as I have a dh who loves spending time interacting with my dd e.g. playing the guitar to her, making her laugh by playing silly games etc... My dd is only 6 months but I hope this conitinues. It doesn't mean that I don't think she shouldn't spend time playing on her own, as I feel this is important too but my belief is that one-to-one time with your child builds a better relationship in the future.

hunkermunker · 21/08/2005 15:14

Can you all do those things together to begin with? Does he feel awkward about playing with them because he doesn't know how? If you all play a boardgame or have a pretend picnic, he might pick up some tips and be more likely to do it in future?

frannyf · 21/08/2005 15:16

I think he should give them some undivided attention in the day, but other than that agree with people who have said it is fine, even advantageous, for your daughters to just muck about while he gets on with life. Maybe you could reach a compromise whereby he spends a set amount of time per day giving them his full attention? Tell him how much they would love it and appreciate it. I agree with Twiglett in that 'healthily neglected' children develop imaginative skills etc. However a sensitive adult directing their play from time to time can really enrich children's play sessions. Hence people paying vast amounts of money to nurseries to have someone do just that!

Hope you can sort it out. You both sound fab parents whose parenting styles probably complement one another beautifully.

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