i'm so gutted...

[reallydontwantto]

regular(ish) poster but name changed.

i think i have to end my relationship with dp. we have been together almost 4 years and he is a fab step dad to my dc from a prev marriage.

we both have an active social life, both have our own set of friends and a mutual group aswell. it's not uncommon for us to have late nights out with or without each other.

in all the time that we have been together my only request has been that he stop going to 'after-parties' etc at peoples houses. if he goes to a club please come home rather than stay out until 6-7am. this has not been a problem so far.

so, im now almost 20 wks pg with our very much wanted 1st dc. obviously i'm not out on the town as much but i would not stop dp having his sat night out. only problem is he has started going back to a friends pub where they have a lock in sort of thing. the first time he got in at 6.30am. i wasn't too hard on him as i saw it as a one off for a family members birthday.

now its happening every other week. last time i warned him that it pissed me off and i really didn't think i could be with someone who was so thoughtless.

last night he phoned me from the pub to say that he was going on to a club, fine i said but if you go anywhere else after you know what will happen. i promise i will be home, he says.

fast forward to 7am and i get a phone call from him. i told him i don't want to be with him anymore, he is still here in bed, he tried grovelling etc. he isn't going to change is he?

i have to finish it don't i? or am i being controlling? i'm so scared of losing him but i don't think i can be with someone who can't compromise on this.

and i can imagine people will assume there is another woman, but i can guarantee you there is not. i know every person he was with including a couple we are close with and his sister. no way he could be getting up to anything with those around i can assure you!

i just dont know where to go from here. i'm so sad.

It's only happened twice?

It wouldn't bother me particularly so long as he wasn't so wasted that he could be there to help out the next day.

It is a bit controlling to tell him what he can and can't do, but I can understand if he's completely useless the next day on a regular basis.

It would be fine by me if it were only occasionally.

no about 5-6 times now, sorry should of been a bit clearer.

part of it is the horrific hangovers, i did ask if he would go out on fri instead of sat because he literally cannot get out of bed the next day. we both work all week and have no weekend together as he is in bed for all of it.

Does he have a problem with binge-drinking ?

He seems impelled somehow to carry on drinking, even though he knows he will be useless the next day and you have told him how much it bothers you

if this was happening every other week, I would assume a drinking problem, tbh

either that, or a respect problem....both of which are very bad news when you have a tiny baby on the way (and any other time, in fact)

Do you actually want to break up with him? If you don't, then you're going to have to give him an ultimatum and stick to it. The hangovers must be irritating in the extreme. Point out to him exactly what he has to lose.

how is he going to behave once the baby is around?
still going out Fridays and sleeping it off on Sat?

have you actually sat down with him, no distraction, a coup of tea and discuss it
not on saturday but another day when you are both not too tired etc?

and telling him in advance what is this discussion about
try to have your daughter out as you don't want to be thinking of being overheard and having to rush things you want to tell each other...

Also, along AF's train of thought - do you think he's taking any drugs? I think most people would find it very difficult to stay awake all night (especially when drinking heavily) unless they had taken something to keep them going. I know I would! I fall asleep on the sofa regularly if I've been in the pub. I did it last night, in fact.

Dear UM, it is a difficult one, what happens when you talk to him about this after the event, a couple of days later say?

I was also in a 4 year relationship that finished a few months ago, and my situation was pretty in similar, in that there was absolutley no comprimise over his regular nights out. I do have to say though that after a couple of years!!!! there was an improvement.

You do not have to finish your relationship, you are not being controlling, but he does have to understand that a comprimise has to be reached, or else resentment will kick-in.

It needs nipping in the bud, you're carrying his child and he should be thoughful and considerate over this.

Could you arrange a night out together, for a meal etc. and talk about how this makes you feel. Apart from this, is all else good in the relationship. Think very carefully before you make any rash decisions, or say anything in the heat of the moment that you would regret later.

Good Luck X

af it's the lack of respect that is bothering me. i have tried asking him to stop but it obviously doesn't work.

unholy i don't want to break up, but i feel like i don't have a choice. he hasn't listened to me before, why would that change now?

why has he bloody done this? it really is the only problem here. i mean it's not like i've said he can't go out atall!

i have to nip out to pick dd up from a party, thanks for replies and i will be back asap.

Relationships are about being happy 'together', that includes respect, thought, consideration blah blah blah. Your DP is being slefish and immature. My DH was/is the same, it doesn't change over time just gets less because he's older. Seems to me like once your DP has had a couple he can't say no and likes to 'save face' with his mates. How old is he?

Would I put up with a DH who came in pissed at 7-8 in the morning after staying out all night then ruining the weekend, no.

It's disrespectful, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect him to come home after a night out and not go on to stay at others houses then ruining the w/end for you and the kids.

OK, so you've tried talking, and that's clearly not getting through to him...what a fool he is!! Another tip, completley disengage from him, silence works wonders sometimes( Idon't mean sulking - but truly disenagaging showing that you're done and can't ev en bother talking about it, because your tired of teh subject) If you can take yourself and children off for a couple of days to friends/family, and let him think about things and allow the reality of the impact of his behaviour sink in.

By the sounds of it, you've been the 'fixer' trying to talk etc. and he's just allowed you to do it, prbably thinking 'here she goes again' he needs to lead now....and tell you this time what he's going to do about it.

I would totally give him another chance. This is no way a clear cut 'leave him' scenario (unless there's lots more to this?)

Men take longer to grow up. We had lots of huge rows over dh's similar (though admittedly not quite as excessive) blow outs when I was pg with first dc. He's got a lot better. Still drinks a fair bit - but it's more like a few glasses of wine at home than a pub bender now.

Of course if it's ongoing and he's regularly shite because of hangovers, then you need to rethink as it would be potentially damaging to you and dc.

Just talk to him again and explain the extent of the hurt he's causing you.

The hangovers pissed me off with my DP. Could handle the being on my own with the kids every Friday but got well fed up with him not able to get up on a Saturday until 3pm then be a misery and not function cos' of his hangover wasting a family day and slope off to bed early Saturday night.

I may be unreasonable but I was lonely and fed up ( he works away alot in the week and we have no family near). So we rowed and rowed. But he did eventually get it and it hardly happens now. I had to tempt him with fun things to do on a Saturday as a family that meant he had to be bright eyed and bushy tailed.