Caught Husband on porn site - not amused

[AdiVic]

Am I over reacting?

I had a baby 6m ago, and have found the changes to my bod a bit hard to deal with, nearly got back to normal, but i still feel wide and big! I BF up until now, and my boobs don't feel like sex toys, they still feel like a food source. I also had a smear that cam back CIN2, then inconclusive, so I am worried about that.

We have had sex once since baby was born, and I KNOW i have neglected my other half in the bedroom dept, but i have felt as sexy as a bag of spuds, and get fed up with him 'groping' me when he feels like getting his end away. He works long, stressful hours, and we are under pressure financially (got to sell our house).

Last night iwent up to bed, asked him if he was coming (ironically i was feeling quite romantic;) - I immedicately came back down as i had forgotton something and caught him red handed on some porn site, I walked up behind him to see 'college girls' doing their thing!

I was really annoyed, and feel hurt.

I KNOW I am prob overacting, as many men cop a look when they think the coast is clear, but I can't get the images out of my head and think if he likes that, how can he like me, with my slightly battered post baby bod. Now I am of the mind that if we were having probs in the bedroom dept then, we bloody well are now, as when we are at it, he might be thinking of some skinny, plastic enhanced trollopy thing (maybe i credit him with too much intelligence and imagination)

Pls be honest and say whether I am being pathetic or not. Grrrr

thank you xx

You are not being pathetic. I don't like porn from a female-exploitation point of view but I think in reality the majority of men access it and there's not much you can do about it. I am pretty sure he was just using it as a bit of relief, not to replace you. The women on the screen were just objects to him (which isn't very nice but that's how porn works) not his ideal woman. He would rather have sex with you than wank over them I am sure.

No, you're not over-reacting, but it also depends where you stand on porn use. My objections to it are political, not personal.

Have you discussed as a couple why your sex-life is at is is? Did you tell him that you wanted to have sex last night, or did you expect him to read your mind? What was his reaction to your discovery? Do you have any worries that any sexual misbehaviour on his part might have contributed to your dodgy smear?

Much of this depends on how you communicate as a couple about sex, your views on porn, his views on porn etc. You're bound to get a fair few posts from people of the "poor bloke, loads of men do it" variety, but as always with porn, I'd just say stand back and really analyse your feelings about it and decide where you stand and why. Communicate that to him and see where he stands. And don't be afraid to have an honest conversation about sex, where euphemisms such as "the bedroom department" don't feature - say it how it is.

I'd have felt the same as you, it's not pathetic at all. However, men don't seem to see wanking to porn and having sex with their partners in the same frame of reference. Knocking one out is as physical a function as blowing their nose. The images on the screen just enable them to concentrate on the job.

Can you talk to him about how you feel about sex and your body? I bet he's more aware and sympathetic than you think.

And get him to put some cling film on the keyboard, for gawd's sake..

Yes, blokes do tend to view porn differently to women. The answer is simple, though.

Tell him how it makes you feel. If he respects you and your feelings, he will stop. If he doesn't, he won't. Then you will have something else to deal with, admittedly.

He probably has no idea you feel the way you do. We are a bit thick, sometimes, us blokes.

Tell him that you were up for it until you saw him viewing porn, and that if he wants to encourage romance, to drop that particular evening hobby.

Hello

thank you for your advice - to answer a couple of questions, no I do not think my dodgy smear is anything to do with his sexual misbehaviour - I picked up the HPV virus, as many women have from a previous tarty partner.

I have explained my feelings on the subject of porn sites to him, and I'm not sure whether it has got through. I have no problem with women who choose to do it, but I do feel a bit uncomfortable with it as I think if someone needs to look at it regularly there could be a problem within the couple - as there is here - i have been trying to address it for a while, but he has head in sand syndrome. Perhaps not anymore.

I think maybe I am having trouble getting my head around how men are different, I personally would not get my rocks off looking at pics of men with their codgers out and I feel a bit sidelined as i thought/think he obvioulsy prefers looking at them to me.

He said otherwise, so I offered to put a nice pic of me in my specs and scruffy clothes on his laptop so if he finds images of me so much better than some porn star, he can sit there and toss off to that (not sure that's how it works though;)

Again, thank you for your advice - it's greatly appreciated

p.s. I have my own laptop so no need to clingfilm over the keyboard, he can mess up his as much as he likes.

If anyone has gone without sex ( male or female) for six months, then surely they need some release one way or another.

You are not being pathetic. All of your thoughts and feelings are perfectly valid. I think as with most women you are worrying too much about how he now views your post baby body.

You need a frank and honest chat together about this.

Your body has gone through a lot his hasn't. I don't think that him knocking a few out while watching porn is a problem. He has only once had sex in the last 6 months or so and is taking care of his frustrations that is all.

My dh watched porn, it doesn't bother me. I don't see it as a replacement for me, or an alternative to having sex with me. I don't feel threatened by it at all.

Saying that, I can understand where you are coming from. The insecurities of your changed body don't help with how you are feeling.

You have to talk to him. Tell him how it made how feel etc. I don't think anyone has the right to tell anyone what they can & can't look at, when they can & can't masturbate, but if it really bothers you, he should respect that. You don't have to answer this publicly, but do you masturbate? How is his doing so different to you (if you do)

It is true that some men are more visual & need something to look at while they masturbate, where as women generally tend to use their imaginations more.

Now I am of the mind that if we were having probs in the bedroom dept then, we bloody well are now, as when we are at it, he might be thinking of some skinny, plastic enhanced trollopy thing

I can assure you that he does not think anything of the sort!

maybe i credit him with too much intelligence and imagination

On the contrary, I don't think you credit him with enough! I am sure he knows what is real & what isn't & can use his imagination when needed. I don't think this issue means he is lacking in either department, tbh.

60footdoll, he hasnt gone without sex for 6 months, op said they are having sex, just not loads.

I too think it depends on your take on porn.

Either way you are not being unreasonable of course, and even if you were being youre allowed to be 6 months after having a baby

So.. If you have a political objection as I do then you have every right to express your distaste at his 'hobby' and hope he respects you enough to pac it in.

If it is purely because you feel like you are trying to compete with these types of body shapes then that is something you need to work through together maybe through relate?

The two vantage points of disliking porn are interlinked though because if it werent for a society that rejects 'real' women's bodies and celebrates plasticy, fake, orange ones then you probably wouldnt be feeling so bad about yourself right now.

You'd be looking at your body as a wonderful thing that has produced a child... which im sure is how your husband sees you too deep down. he's just been lured in to the porn trap because its so accesible and accepted these days.

differentnameforthis, there is an awful lot of research that shows that men who look at porn A LOT (which is not necessaily what op or your DP do) does affect the way men see women sexually.

sorry, shite grammar.

foureleven...but are we talking A LOT? OP caught him once, that is what I am basing my answer on.

sorry different name, I took from your post that you thought that watching porn couldnt give a man a skewed view of what to expect from a 'normal' sexual relationship... Dont know why though because you didnt say that, sorry.

As you were.

That's OK. I do think that, btw. I do think that 'overuse' & the types that are out there can cause it to happen.

I also believe in moderation...

FourEleven - from OP 'We have had sex once since baby was born' baby is 6 months.

does a bloke have to get off? why is there so much pressure on women to get back to having sex after giving birth? When a couple chooses to have a child together the guy has to understand that the woman probably wont feel like having sex for at least six months. Why can't he just deal with it instead of wanking off over some dirty little porno?

I'd be livid, hardly suggests any support for his wife does it.

whatthecroc - when you say 'deal with it' would you be OK with him wanking off without the aid of porn, or is it the whole masturbation thing that you take issue with?

But how does it not show her support? I know I would far rather that, than have him pester me the whole time for sex when I have a baby to look after.

OP certainly doesn't sound like he is pressuring her for sex.

she says she knows she's neglected him.

Does that not say that there's some pressure to have sex with her husband?

I don't have an issue with masturbation, but it seems very seedy and deceitful that he tries to whack one off to a shitty porno whilst he thinks she's gone upstairs to bed.

It clearly isn't supportive because it's upset the OP.

It would seem a more mature relationship for him to realise that his child comes first, that his wife probably wont want sex for ages, and that he should deal with it by talking to her about it.

When I wanted sex from my ex and he didn't want to give it, I didn't disappear off downstairs for a quick wank. We talked about it. Crazy huh?

I am a woman who watches a lot of amateur porn and it has nothing to do with my feelings for my husband or what he looks like. He is attractive but he isnt the only attractive bloke in the world. As long as you arent touching I dont see the difference between doing that or seeing someone in the street and masturbating over them when you get in. The vast majority of people have thought of others when doing it so what does it matter if you are actually looking at them or doing it from memory?

Amature porn is different in my opinion.. a load of (stightly odd!) people who get off on being filmed having sex.
Not the same politically speaking as 'porn' porn.

fair enough 60footdoll, im missing lots today. keep doing it on other threads.

I have watched lots of 'porn' porn in my time but prefer the amateur stuff as you can find fit, young guys in it!

You don't need to get your head around that "men are different", because not all men like, or agree with porn - just as women are not all the same. For sexually political reasons it has become more acceptable for men to like porn and for women to normalise it, especially if they think it is "uncool" and "repressed" to object, on personal or political grounds.

There are some unhelpful stereotypes that don't help you much when you are dealing with what are personal issues for your relationship. Some facts might help. Not all men need visual stimulation to masturbate; many men have perfectly good imaginations. While masturbation is perfectly normal and understandable if sex is off the menu for any reason, porn isn't always required to do so. Porn use cannot always be linked to lack of sex either - your DH might be using porn even if you were having sex daily. And some people prefer masturbation and/or porn to sex with their partner.

Discovering him looking at it once, tells you nothing about use, in terms of frequency or content.

He might be telling the truth if he tells you that he doesn't overlay an image of a porn star when he is with you, but as ever, listen to what he says are his reasons for using it at all - and what he thinks about the porn industry generally, in political terms. Ask him whether he feels his expectations of a sexual relationship have changed since he began using porn - what has the effect been? This means being really honest about the porn accessed.

It's like anything in life though. You have the right to say if a partner's behaviour makes you uncomfortable and he has the right to change, or maintain that behaviour accordingly. Then you have choices, don't you? You either buy into the whole "men will be men" propoganda and hope that he becomes secretive, you trust him not to do it any longer because he's actually thought about the issues and has rejected porn, or you decide that you can't tolerate a relationship with someone that uses porn.

I should add, that many of the apologists for internet porn, claim that a bit of soft porn is okay and even then, if not accessed regularly. So not too difficult to give up, then, if your partner hates it and feels awful....

fantastic post whenwillifeelnormal