stay married for sake of our son??

[rita2007]

i am from canada and moved here to be with brit hubby - had baby unexpectedly and since he was born, i have seen so much in my hubby that i do not admire or respect. all of this has become obvious since i had our son but not al due to this situation - other external situations have made me realise i never knew him and made a mistake getting married to him. we are just not right for one another.

if i leave him, i would move back to canada and my son would have limited contact with his dad - how much weight should i give this in my decision making? would like to hear from other moms......

thanks loads

This is so hard. I also live a long way away from my family home (a flight away or 10hr drive) so nothing as far as you. But I am also considering leaving H and moving home with my DSs. A massive factor in my reluctance to go is the fear of removing kids from someone that loves them so much and puts huge amounts of time, love and attention into them.
I don't have any answers but just wanted to let you know i can appreciate how hard this is.
How old is your child? How possible would it be for your OH to travel back to visit and how often would he do this d'you think?

Very sad situation

But I don't think you should stay married to someone you don't love because of a child. Is there no way you waould consider staying in the UK?

At the end of the day, we only have one life and doing something that you know will make you unhappy for years is not a good thing. xx

If your H objects, you may not be able to take your DS out of the UK (his place of habitual residence - the Hague Convention). Be sure to get legal advice before taking this step.

Can't advice on the ethical aspects as there isn't much info about your H's behaviour. Generally, though, it's seen as positive for a child to have contact with both parents.

loves2walk, nice to know i am not alone. do you live close to me by any chance - in north east london?

i will be going to a citizen advisory group fpr some legal advice next week.

feedmenow, no i could not love in uk - could not support myself here and have comfy life - family, friends and education are all better there so no point of being in the uk afterwards.

i just hope hubby can committ to seeing him twice a year - once in canada and once i would bring our boy here. right now, hubby does not want to talk about anything but waiting for legal papers would be far too ate in my opinion.

What is it that's wrong with your H? Is there no way that you and he can sit down and work out how to stay together without one of you being unhappy? Do you love him - is it just that he irritates you?

It's not simply a question of going home I'm afraid. You would have to have the agreement of your partner under the hague convention. You need legal advice about this.

Sorry nickname taken I see you've already said that!

No probs, Polly, great minds and all that!

If things had gone differently, I might have end up stuck in Canada due to the workings of the Hague Convention. It's no fun being forced to live away from your home country.

No nowhere near you, rita, sorry. It is such a big responsibility because if you move away with your son you are effectively ending a hands-on fathering role. So no casual days out, odd school runs, parent teacher meetings, bedtime stories, kick around with football. It would be a relationship based on very organised, small, infrequent slots of time. I have not reached a stage where things are so bad in marriage that the above scenario would be better, but maybe you have.
As others have said "why is it so bad?" or what is it that is bad? maybe there are ways to fix things....

without going into it, things are bad and hae been for 2.5 yrs - we are not compatiable and want diff things in life. he dpes not put anyone but himself first and foremost. trust me on that!

he said he would give me a signed letter saying i could go for a litte while but not forever if we were to seperate but living in uk would not be good for any of us. my son would not get benefit for family in canada and my hubby would prob get remarried to someone who will "take care" of him so i suspect he would not want 100% or near that level of responsibility for our son. like i said he is selfish. as it is he puts very litte time into this family

Is there any way he could move to Canada with you? Even if you split up he would then be near and you would be living in your home country? I'm sure you've thought of that - maybe he's putting up barriers. If he's that selfish, I don't suppose he gives a shit about your needs or your sons. Really tough for you, especially now bearing the full responsibility of this decision.

I would get legal advice and get him to write a letter when a lawer was there and go back home. Even if it is for a few years by that time your ex would have moved on and may not be bothered where you live.

If you have family and friends there to help it would make sence to move back as here you would be on your own with a young child and its hard anyway why make it harder on your self?

rita, how old is your ds? Assuming he's 3 or 4, that's a very long time ahead of you to stay where you don't want to really be.

Sorry I don't know anything about the legalities, but would your h really force you to stay?

Sorry to hijack for a minute - loves2walk, are things not going well?

H would not leave his mom. son is almost 3 now. yes, i need to get legal advice....... ony way, i can stay in this marriage is by bearing all the lonliness and pain. its not what my son would want for his parents anyhow.

i was planning on going for few months to canada as i have a job offer there and then figuring out what to do next. H said he would give me a letter sayng its ok for me to be there with son until march but after that he could charge me for taking our son if i decide i def want to remain in canada.

eeek! i hope i can stay in canada. he would be ok with that as long as i don;t try to get 1/2 of everything he has and i don;t care about getting half of all anyhow. i want him to have a good relationship with our son and be ok with me for the sake of our son. so, kind of friends/acquaintances that can stand to be in same room for sake of their child. that is all i want really!

He sounds so harsh Rita - that he will charge you with taking your son to Canada after March unless you don't seek a 50/50 split? It is really good and fortunate that you say the financial side doesn't matter but if you have contributed into a house say you are entitled to split that. Just don't let him push you around.
By the further details you've added it seems clear that you need to move back to Canada with your son. You need to be with your family in a loving environment not staying here for this guy who is being so selfish.
There is loads you can do to facilitate contact between your H and son even now when he's so little. You could have aregular skype slot for them to chat, emailing when older, pictures. Ask your H to email you little bits of news for you to share with your son. I think if you do lots of positive things like this, then you have to leave the rest to your H and see if he steps up to the plate in terms of effort into their relationship.

Thanks heli for asking. I am all over the place. I go from loving my H one day/ physically close/enjoying seeing him being loving to me and boys to the next day when he might respond crossly or be critical towards one of boys and I'm on edge, tense, fantasising about a calm, peaceful life without him. It's as though now it's all being discussed, I am hyper sensitive.
Sorry Rita for hijack, I'd love to know how you're getting on helicopter? Sure though this is not the place to ask but I don't have the emotional energy to start another thread - do you?

He sounds harsh?? Well this is his son! Yes, he might not be very hands on now, many men aren't good in the early years, but as his son gets older he will need his dad!! And dad will probably improve

Would a twice a year 'visit' be enough for you too if it were reversed? He was born here? If so it's his right to grow up here, and it's the childrens act which will enable him to remain in his country where his rights are protected. He has other family here too.

Yes he sounds harsh. Rita has said he puts very little time into the son or family whereas she is here fretting about what best to do for her son.

She feels he puts his own needs first. How about H consider recognising that his wife wishes to be closer to her family and try moving to Canada? Even on a trial basis till primary school age? But it seems he can't as he wouldn't leave his mother.
I think he does sound selfish and the OP needs to consider her own happiness in all this.
It is a massive thing to take a child so far away from a parent- I presume that's why rita has tolerated over 2 yrs of this situation and is now in so much doubt over the best course of action.

loves2walk, just quickly (sorry rita), similar to you. Up and down. Lots of counseling, sometimes come out feeling optimistic, sometimes utterly pessimistic.

there are two sides to everything,but i doubt you'll have an easy time getting your lrave to remove.

as for him spending little time with his family,one look on the relationships section would show he's not alone! maybe he doesnt have alot to do with his ds....yet....as he's so small. alot of men (my dad included) are better with older kids. nothing wrong with that.

he wants to be here in uk with his family
rita wants to be in canada with her family

which one is selfish then?

rita, since my dc have lived in a different country to their dad their relationship with him has actually improved. Luckily for them they are too young to have strong memories of living with their dad so did not seem to suffer emotionally when we left. Sadly, it has taken them being away from him (which he wanted) to make him appreciate them. Now when he visits he puts 100% into being a dad and spends quality time with our dc. I think that the dc will be better off in the long run with this type of relationship rather than living with a father who resents them and shows little interest in their lives. Now he skypes weekly and visits every couple of months. This is not an ideal situation but we are trying to make it work.
I hope you find a feasible solution, rita. I know how much soul searching you must be doing at the moment and how hard it is to make a final decision. It will be hard for you as you would end up on different continents but at least in Canada you would probably have more support from family and friends, which your son would also benefit from.

thanks to all for your time and advice. i am so touched by the generousity of you all that you would take some of your time out of your weekends to try to guide me. Wow!

yes there are 2 sides to all stories and if you ask my H he would say himself and has said yes, he is lazy and selfish but he just justifies that by random things like his mom needs him or he prob would not find same career success in canada. my career, my feelings also matter. he works nights and oves his life style - work late and sleep until noon. not great for us but he has not budged. i even took him to counselling and he did not take on board some schedule changes that would have been good to all. anyhow, despite all this - i still am stryggling - i am asking myself - do i ahve a right to change my son's life in such a big way but i have been suffering for near 3 yrs now.

eventually, i know my son would turn around to me as a teen and say - mom, why did you stay in this if you were so unhappy?

i don;t know what will happen but hope for best - i just don;t think i can sacrifice my happiness anymore - we will be all under same roof but the atmosphere will be bad for all.

Not good!

update - i have decided to stay in UK close to the dad anyhow but hope i will get financial help because in this country with the cost of living i will def need it..... but i have a feeling he will try to be crafty with his documents and try to wiggle out of things......

I hope it works out for you rita. Good luck.