Head in a mess

[thegoodishlife]

Hi - I'm new to this part of MN, so be gentle with me please.

Also, this is long so apologies in advance.....

DP & I have been together for over 5 years, living together for 4. No DC's, he's 28 and I'm 25.

For over a year now, my DP has suffered with extreme anxiety. He's been up and down ever since, and during this time we've become engaged, booked our wedding, cancelled our wedding, called off the engagement and then split up for a month before reconciling - all because of his anxiety, and him doing what he felt he needed to do to make himself better. Don't get me wrong, I support him wholeheartedly, and it was my idea to cancel the wedding as I could see how worked up it was making him.

He's taken AD's which didn't work, tried CBT which did, and is now using the Linden Method to battle his demons, which is working at present.

We've been back together for 2 months now, and while it's been good most of the time (managed to overcome his social phobia's, we've been away for a long weekend which he couldn't even think about doing before as it made him have a panic attack) but there is still something weighing on my mind.

I want to get married and have children. When we were talking about getting back together he said he wanted that too, and to do it sooner rather than later - I said to wait a while to make sure we were doing the right thing by getting back together. After we had this discussion, I found the following email in his account to his counsellor:

"Hi, I am really struggling now and im in a very bad place where i am constantly stressed and cant seem to go in the right direction with my life.

My relationship has broken down to where me and my partner are on the verge of breaking up because i cant seem to move forward.
I have been with my partner for the last five years where we started off great. Our familys live 70miles apart, she lives with me here in peterborough but we would go and visit her family often in heartfordshire. this was ok at first but i did get very anxious the first few times we went and times when we went their for family occations, partys/nites out. By being anxious at these situations has now given me a very bad case of social phobia when we go away anywhere that isnt with my family or around my area..

*My partner wants to get married and start a family in the next year or so but i now feel as if i dont love her and i am so frightened of a possible future of having to go back and forth to places because of family comitments. I quite literaly worry myself all the time about this and feel as if she isnt the one for me as a result. hence why we are on a knife edge.

I do feel if i met someone else i would still probably feel the same way if that person wanted to go and vist a friend in another town for a nite out for example..

My current partner loves me dearly and wants to make things work and wants to help me get over my fears but when i go into these situations there is always somthing there telling me this isnt right and that i dont truly love this person.

I feel that if we did break up that i would then truly be alone and risk making a mistake when all she wants to do is help me and for us to have happy times together.

I fear so much about getting married to someone that i feel i dont 100% love. But i also fear lossing her when all she wants is to help and be happy together. I cant seem to move forward at all and have no idea of what to do.

I feel as im having to force myself to love her when i should love her for all that she has done for me already."

You can imagine how I felt when I read this. And how I felt when I found out that the night before this, he kissed someone else whilst on a lads night out.

Now I know how this looks - it paints him in a really bad light, and I know the answers I will get, "what a knob, why are you still with him etc". Well I am still here because it happened while we weren't together, because I was out with the girls that same night and I would have kissed someone else too if I was in that situation.

By writing all this down I've realised that we have such a dysfunctional relationship! My god this must come across horrifically to all of you reading this (if you are still reading - thank you if you are!).

Things have been fantastic since we got back together, we've been away for the first time in ages, had days out, days in etc. We seemed to be getting back on track, but now my DP refuses to discuss the whole marriage/kids thing with me. As crazy as this may sound, I am SO desperate for a child at the moment. Something has "clicked" and my maternal-ness has invaded something chronic! It upsets me that despite DP saying 2 months ago that he wanted to do these things sooner rather than later, he now says he isn't ready and will let me know when he is. I bring it up alot and don't understand why he can't show his commitment to me by doing this (which I know is unreasonable).

My god I had no idea this would turn out to be so long. I don't know what I'm after by posting on here, and I'm sorry if I've wasted thread space but I was on MN and for some reason just started typing.

Sorry I don't know what went wrong with the bold there. And I didn't realise it was so long

Looks like a lucky escape to me, you know you want children, go and find someone strong and honest to have them with. These boards are full of men that are not as honest as they might be, better to know now!! He shouldn't be promising you what you want just because he appreciates your help thru a difficult time.

You are dealing with someone who is extremely ambivalent about you and your relationship together, and is not on the same page as you at all about settling down and having children.

The social phobia and the anxiety, the focus on little details like how far apart your families live, references to family occasions and nights out are an indication of a different problem. Being afraid of a future with you because it might involve going to visit your family in Herts is a little strange. Sounds as if there are mental health problems there that need expert evaluation.

He is obviously consumed by the fears and anxieties (that a psychiatrist might be able to sort out) but he is conflating the ambivalence about marriage and having a family with that. Kissing someone else on a lads night out, however, means he really isn't on the same page as you. Yes, he says he would feel alone and maybe he fears losing what is familiar, but he really can't keep on stringing you along like that, just because he needs your support and has come to rely on you. You could do that for him as a friend, but pinning your hopes on him eventually coming around to the family idea is not realistic for you.

I think this is more than cold feet on his part, and I think you should be considering the years you have spent with him as a learning experience. You are effectively a parent to him right now, and expecting him to become a parenting partner with you would be asking too much. He is letting things get on top of him and he lacks mental clarity, and he seems to expect you to put your life on hold while he gets himself sorted. You would be exhausted trying to be a parent to a real child and to him at the same time.

Thank you for your replies.

mathanxiety, he knows his fears are ridiculous - whenever I ask him why they worry him and what he is scared of, he says "I have no idea, I don't know, it's not logical and I am so sorry" and other things along that line. He knows there is nothing to fear but his anxiety tells him otherwise.

I've realised today that he doesn't appreciate me either - I've not had a thank you or even a bunch of flowers for the amount of support he has recieved from both myself and my friends/family throughout the whole ordeal. I just feel really used, and if I'm honest, betrayed.

I do feel for you and wonder if it would help to stand back from the immediate situation and think through what your life could be like in 5, ten, twenty years with this man. I wish I had done this before I rushed into my first marriage, as I might have made a better decision.

Dont let your wish for children overwhelm, you really do have PLENTY of time. Having children is the hardest job in the world and it is relentless - not something to contemplate when your relationship is rocky.

He does not sound well but it is great that he has sought help - not many men do.

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He sounds really rather fucked up. You are young, you have no idea how right it feels when you meet the right man. Because you haven't met him yet. Please get out while you still can.

erm - you only get one go at this game of life, why tie yourself to a total emotional mess? He's only going to constantly drag you down...

I'm not saying ditch him because he's a nob, but do you really want your one and only life to be with him, dragging around his negative energy?

You've got probably 70 years left on earth, make the most of them.

You are on a hiding to nothing with that bloke, literally flogging a dead horse.
Once you think to yourself, I no longer love this person, that's it....

Look around here, there are many threads saying "how can I get 'IT' back", "i'm not in love with him anymore",

I'm sorry, but he is wasting your time by stringing you along on this. He needs to be brave and do the right thing, and be honest with you that it will not work.

But he can't do the brave thing can he?

You can't fix him, only he can do that. Either way, he's not in love with you, so don't fool yourself into thinking that if he fixes himself, he'll come back...

Sorry to be so blunt, I hope I'm not being too harsh to you, but it's true. You deserve a better man for a husband, and a better man for a father to your children.

I agree with what others have said about your relationship, but just wanted to suggest that you may want to reconsider posting your dp's email to his counsellor verbatim. No doubt he wrote it without expecting it to be plastered all over the internet. You shouldnt really be breaching his privacy in this way.

He's obviously not well be as far as i can see is that he just seems to be using you. The only reason he seems to be with you is because he's scared of being alone. All his phobias seem to centre around things to do with you ie marraige your family etc etc.

Strange that he doesn't seem to have a social phobia about the things that he wants to do ie lads nights out and kissing random women??

Sorry to be harsh but you're only 25. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste anymore time on someone who 'just isn't that into you'. Things aren't going to change and don't fall into the female trap of thinking you're his avenging angel and somehow you will 'cure' him. You won't. No criticism on either part but you just shouldn't be together.

YYYY, QuantaCosta -- excellent comments. I think you've hit the nail on the head.

He maybe ill but it does come across as he is using you, just because you are there nd think the world of him.

He just can't be alone that's the problem. So he does not have the guts to tell you. I'd leave him.

If you do stay together and have children do you really, truly, in your heart, believe that he will be able to give you the support and love you will need? He seems to be ambivalent now. If you're not both 100% commited to each other and the idea of having children together please don't even think about doing it. It's wonderful but it's hard work.

Truly, you have your whole life ahead of you. Let this man go. Give yourself the freedom to meet someone who wants what you want. You're not responsible for making this man better. It's hard to split with someone you've been with for so long and you've probably grown up together too but this isn't a good place to be now - never mind in another five years time.

Hope that isn't too blunt.