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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't believe this has all happened in a week

14 replies

Havingareallyreallybadday · 15/07/2010 15:02

On Friday, my birthday OH proposed and I said yes. I've known he had a drinking/depression issue and one of the reasons I agreed is because he started counselling and to be honest has spent most of this year teetotal. Anyway weekend lovely, then on Monday I come home to find him drunk, he gets drunk on tuesday, Wednesday and today. this has never happened before and last night he pushed me against the kitchen worktop, I've now got a really bruised back. Am taking tomorrow off as his parents are coming, literally to take him away. I know its for the best but feel so sad. What can I do to feel better. He is a lovely man, reason he drinks is because he gets depressed and he doesn't help himself. Our daughter is only 18MO. I am sure I'll breakdown at some point

OP posts:

freedom2010 · 15/07/2010 15:13

No you wont breakdown, you will be strong and fantastic, hold it together for your 18MO.

You need some space between you and your OH, all I can say is how selfish of him to do this after a year of being teetotal.

Please be strong

cestlavielife · 15/07/2010 15:15

go to gp and get your bruises checked and recorded. drunk is no excuse at all.

call lcoal womens aid and al anon for support.

mummytime · 15/07/2010 15:22

Do go to Al-anon. You need to not make excuses for him, and to realise it isn't you that has a problem.

I'm sorry it has been such a roller coaster.

Original poster

Havingareallyreallybadday · 15/07/2010 15:26

I'm going to see doctor tomorrow. Thank you for your kind words. I work full time and it's all been a nightmare. Keep thinking about how happy we were last week - was it all a dream. Spoke to my dad last night and he thinks its depression, said he was the same when he split up from my mum

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 15/07/2010 15:27

Definitely second or third going to Al-Anon, if only to realise that there is nothing you can do to help him - he has to help himself.

So for you that he has done this again - to you and your DC. Start working out how you can build your life for you and your DC without him - because if he doesn't get the help he needs, you'll be better off without him.

Original poster

Havingareallyreallybadday · 15/07/2010 15:31

I think it hasn't sunk in yet, but yesterday was when the penny dropped, when I realised that I'm not to blame. He's a good daddy to our LO and she will miss him, but all it takes is one accident when he's been drinking and I dread to think and that's what must keep me going

OP posts:

glastocat · 15/07/2010 15:35

You poor thing! It does not matter if he's depressed, it is no excuse for violence whatsover. And I'm saying that as someone who has been off work with depression for five months. He needs to stop drinking as its a depressant, and get to the doc for conselling and anti-depressants. I've done this, and am hopefully turning a corner, although its a long process. As for you, DO NOT MARRY HIM! Unless he can demonstrate for a long time that he is sorting himself out, I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole, this behaviour escalates and you do not want to end up with a depressed violent drunk for a husband. My dad was like that, and he made my mum miserable for years. I am eternally grateful she left him when I was eight years old. I went on to have a good relationship with him in adulthood, but I know I'd have been seriously fucked up had she stayed with him. ANyway, good luck to you.

Original poster

Havingareallyreallybadday · 15/07/2010 15:41

I think of my lovely DD - she is so sweet and lovely natured, hardly ever cries and I don't want to ruin that. I ahve to keep remembering things like this

OP posts:

Mouseface · 15/07/2010 16:06

'I think of my lovely DD - she is so sweet and lovely natured, hardly ever cries and I don't want to ruin that. I ahve to keep remembering things like this'

Write this done. Read it everytime you feel that you are to blame, that you didn't do enough to help him or when you feel that you can't go on without him.

Put it where you can see it.

You will be fine, and your daughter will thank you one day, however the relationship turns out.

You have saved yourself and your daughter from a life of drunken abuse and violent arguments. Because if DP, without real support and help, that's what will happen.

It will snowball and grow and become and anger monster that lives in your house. Not you DP.

Let him go. Let him get help and once he can truly prove to you that he is better, then and only then can you think about a future with him.

vintagewarrior · 15/07/2010 19:50

I know how you feel. Found out this week that dp is a dry drunk, (aggressive, angry, nasty, only drinks maybe once a month to the point of hospital visits!!) my whole future with him and 2 year old down the tubes unless he sorts it out. I feel so betrayed. Make sure dr makes a note of you injuries just incase. Sending you strong positive thought x

Anniegetyourgun · 16/07/2010 08:35

It won't feel like it now, of course, but you were lucky that he showed you his bad side before you'd actually married him. As Glastocat says, alcohol is a depressant so by drinking he is actually doing the very worst thing for himself. Plus depression on its own does not cause one adult to shove another hard against the furniture.

Maybe he's ill, maybe he can't help it, but as you've recognised, you and especially your child should not have to live with it. By calling time you may contribute to him deciding to deal with his problem once and for all, though that's entirely his decision. Meanwhile you are doing the right thing, the only responsible thing for a parent to do.

ISDP · 16/07/2010 12:21

I am sorry to hear this.

I am afraid that my experience will not be very helpful, but from what I have seen: he will go like this all his life. councelling and help will make him stop for 1-2 years at a time at which point he will have convinced himself that he has overcome his drinking problem and can be trusted with moderate drinking. Then it will spiral out of control again and it will be like it's a different person, without shame, guilt or compassion standing before you, ready to whack you accross the face if get between him and the bottle.

He may eventually stop when his liver is so fucked that a bottle of beer means a night at the hospital and that's when you can finally enjoy living your life alongside what is actually a very nice and caring human being. However the 40 years before that will be shit and when your 18MO kid gets old enough to think for himself, having witnessed you crying in a corner, yet again, after another shove or a slap by your husband he will ask you why the fuck have you tolerated it all these years

you will tell him "it was all for you"

and he will say "silly cow!!!"

HTH.

Plenty of men out there, who are nice, understanding, smart people free of vices that can ruin a life.

ISDP · 16/07/2010 12:25

P.S. please don't listen to the "if he can demosntrate he has changed for a long period of time"

He can be good as gold for years, and still fall off the wagon! you will be potentially commiting yourself to the next 40-50 years of torutre,l when in stead 2 years from now you could be happy and confident in your future and look back at this with a "bullet dodged" sigh of relief.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/07/2010 12:45

Do not marry this man under any circumstances. If you do it will be the worst mistake you have ever made.

Spending most of the year teetotal actually counts for very little. What this man is doing is self medicating his problems. Also alcohol is a depressant too. Its not working and will never work for him. He has now acted violently as well towards you; that is a wake up call if ever there was one.
You do not have to live with such a man; you would only end up enabling such a person as you'd be also caught on the merry go around that is alcoholism.

Would also suggest you call both WomensAid and Al-anon for support.

Let his parents take him away tomorrow and make a new life for yourself and your child without him in it.

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