Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication....

[EcoMouse]

"Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships. ~Author Unknown"

Anyone up for discussing this theory?

i.e. Is it right or wrong? Does secrecy have a place in a relationship? What's the difference between privacy and secrecy? etc!

Is it about secrecy?

I thought that it was about masking your true feelings or downplaying your emotional responses so that the other person cannot attack you emotionally.

I suppose that you are not 'being yourself' if you do this but it is not the same as lying to your partner, more like keeping your head down for a quiet life?

I think people who hold back, afraid of hurting others with the truth, or of people not liking them if they are honest, are forgetting one thing: that we are not responsible for other peoples feelings. If we say something, and they get annoyed, it's not OUR FAULT that they are annoyed. That's their issue. How they choose to react is up to them (and their conditioning, of course).

Having said that, if I was going to say something which I knew was potentially incredibly wounding to another person, I would hesitate, even if it was true. And I would have a little think about why I was going to say it, did it NEED to be said or was I just operating from my own agenda, scratching my own itch and being malicious rather than simply transparent.

Also, there is being honest to someone who has asked for complete honesty and maintains that they are up for hearing stuff even if it's difficult, and those who are not. People who can't handle hearing things without throwing a wobbly I tend to just nod and smile and tell them whatever they want, selfishly and entirely for my own personal benefit, because I just can't stand the fallout that would ensue if I told them what I really thought.

So basically I'm a total fence sitter when it comes to this!

I dunno if any of that made sense, but those are my thoughts

I think if the author was so proud of his searing honesty, he should refrain from being author unknown.

who wrote that cobblers then?

Bump

Thanks for the constructive responses, I'll read more thoroughly after the school run.

Surely there as many times when you hold your tongue so as not to hurt another person.

It's not all about you, you know.

I can't bear this attitude : I'll be horrid to you - oh look you're upset and angry- that's just how you've chosen to react - I'm just being emotionally honest blah blah- you can't handle my 'honesty'

Agree with Smallorange, sometimes you have to make a judgement about their potential response to your honesty..and choose to be kind.

Most people do not want to hear the bald truth. Small kind white lies make the world go round.

CheerfulV, I think you've got a good balance there. Honesty leavened with tact. I think what the author was on about was people lying for their own purposes, but pretending (even to themselves perhaps) that it's for someone else's good. IMO you can't have a proper relationship without respect, and how can you respect someone if you're always playing a game to keep them away from the truth? You'll either feel a bit superior because you know something they don't (subtext being that they're stupid enough to believe you), or you'll always be nervous around them in case they find out.

Like, "I didn't tell you I had a mistress because I knew it would upset you", not "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to be livid, throw me out and go get a life without me". Or "I didn't tell you I'd lost my job because I didn't want you to worry", not "I didn't tell you because I'm ashamed of myself", or even "I didn't tell you because I think you're a gold-digging cow who would leave me if I stopped bringing in the bacon". It's all about the lying partner's own wants and/or insecurities, not about who the other partner really is or what they would really want at all.

ps Smallorange, oh yes. XBIL is like that. Under the guise of "honesty" he could be extremely unkind. You know the old chestnut: your best friend asks if you like her new haircut, which you think is awful. Do you:

(a) cross your fingers and say it's lovely
(b) say something non-committal like "it's really different" then hastily change the subject
(c) gently hint that in your opinion it doesn't suit her as well as the last style
(d) say "it's bloody 'orrible, here's a paper bag to put over your head"?

I tend to go for (b) or (c), depending on how well I knew her, how sensitive she was, whether I had confidence in my own judgement etc. XBIL would go for (d) every time, except he wouldn't even wait to be asked.

Yes family relationships in particular are So complex that the only way they can function is with some honesty and a hefty dose of tact. And some outright emotional dishonesty.

Annie - it's a judgement call isn't it , small lies to save someone's feelings are necessary to oil the wheels while big fat ones are certainly emotionally dishonest.

Lies is a bit strong? I do try to avoid lying, if only because I have enough trouble keeping track of one reality at a time! Shall we say rather, a little... glossing

A white lie to avoid crushing someone's felling is I think acceptable and indeed necessary.

I am with smallorange - being horrible under the guise of "honesty" and blaming the recepient for not being able to handle "honesty" is something I cannot stand. It's giving carte blance to people to be as destructive as they like which serves no good purpose (IMHO of course)

I don't think the author of this quote was referring to tact, s/he mentions "emotional honesty".

The situation that springs to mind, as Annie says, is the person who has had an undiscovered affair, but bargains with themselves and others that telling their partner would be a self-indulgent means of exorcising their guilt and that they are only with-holding this information "so as not to hurt".

The truth they won't admit to, is that they have already caused hurt and what they fear most are the consequences to themselves.

So they retain the secret and some power over their partner and his/her choices and there is consequently often a superficial quality about the relationship, because if a secret like this exists, true emotional honesty/intimacy cannot exist.

Well that's fairly obvious isn't it?