massive job decision, is this idiotic of me?

[Gemzooks]

I posted a while ago angsting about being offered a great job in a fairly random former Soviet country whilst DH was against it. Upshot is, I turned the job down. I was very pissed off about it but he point blank refused to consider giving up/postponing his job to go there. We've been together 10 years, have 2 small kids and have moved 3 times for his job to different, very random countries. Each time I've found a good job for myself, but I'd say my cv looks just a bit erratic. We've been living in the Netherlands for nearly 3 years and both working here. I was told in March that my job would be cut, and started applying for other jobs, including a brilliant job I never thought I could get. then I was told I was in the final 3. Meanwhile, DH was offered a great job back in the UK with the same employer he's with now. He has accepted it, but there's a very real chance I could get this great job here. So here's the thing, is it mad to consider commuting if I was offered this job? I have to reiterate that it is a really, really good job with great prospects, even better than the one I had to turn down. My offer to DH so far is that for 9 months he commutes from London to here (45 min flight) at the weekends, then kids would go to London and I would commute for 6 months, then I would quit and come to London. But I would effectively be a single mum during the week. DS would be at school here from Sept anyway because they start at 4, and DD would stay in nursery, but I would def need someone to pick them up in the evenings. Also the job is a 1 hour train journey from where we now live, though I could possibly move to the city where it is. another issue of course...
He thinks kids would be affected, I think they would be OK. Plus, this would set us up financially for moving to the UK, getting a mortgage etc. It is really really well paid and interesting. I'm probably going to get the results tomorrow and don't know what to do! any advice appreciated!

The kids are only moving once though aren't they?

I think a family who wanted to could absolutely do this but you would need childcare help, say an au pair who would be willing to move from the Netherlands with you for the first 9 months and then with your husband for the next 6 months.

The problem is if DH is dead set against it then I don't think you can still do it without it placing a serious strain on your relationship.

It sounds like a very stressful move for all of you.

thanks, duplo,
yes, kids would just move here to London, just with a delay. DH is not against it completely, but he is horrified at being 'weekend dad' as he is brill dad and very engaged with the kids.. hence him saying I would have to do a bit of the commuting (which I'm slightly evilly making sure is on the end part in case I can't handle it, which I'm sure I can't..)

the thing is, we will have quite a lot of stress anyway because basically we want to move back to the UK and we have to sell our flat here or rent it out, and get somewhere to live in the UK, all that needs to be done at some point anyway..

Hmmm, sounds like it would put a lot of strain on each of you.

He'll be miserable and stressed because he's not seeing the kids. As someone who's travelled with work whilst having kids, being away for them for any stretch of time is just crap and you really miss them, let alone for 4-5 days every week..

You'l be knackered and stressed trying to chase to and from work around the kids and looking after them yourself whilst trying to settle into a new job.

I actually think it will also put a strain on your relationship as at weekends as presumably you'll both be tired and stressed (and the person working away will having to be getting ready to leave late Sunday/ early Monday and will want to spend all their time with the kids rather then the OH)

I guess if there's a strong financial rationale then it makes sense but personally it would be a case of grimacing and getting on with it until you're through it...

thanks!
I just don't know what to do. I just don't want to pass up a great opportunity when I'm only just properly getting back into the workplace. I am also applying for stuff in London, but this is really my kind of thing.at the back of my mind is also thinking that 2 kids of nursery age in London = 2000 a month just on nursery fees, we will definitely be poorer. I know money shouldn't come first but I just think even 18 months in this job would give us a massive boost we need to come back to the UK without being in a worse financial situation..

Do you and your DH discuss each job move? Have his job moves always been with your agreement?

Your OP sounds as if your DH's career takes priority, and yours is coming second. Is this what you've agreed? If so, for how long before you get first dibs? If his career always comes first, how will you feel in ten years, when he has a fantastic career, and you have a job?

I think you and your DH have more to talk about than one career move.

my question would be when do you get to have family time ? If you (both) are working full time and long commute too. The children are little and will be tired or in bed by the time you get home.

I wouldn't be able to do that no matter how much I enjoyed the job.

butterbur, well I've gone along with his job moves as I've always been the one with the less linear career. then had kids. then offered this great job in random eastern European country, and really thought it was time for DH to move with me (as he'd always said he would if I had a good opportunity),. but he wasn't willing to. it's true that he does have a good career and doesn't want to compromise it. for this one, he originally said if I got it, he'd stay here for another 2 years. However because the recruitment process took ages, he was offered the job in the UK and had to tell them either way. He did offer to give it up, but I said he shouldn't, because this job I want is not even definitely mine yet.

throckenholt, re family time, yes, I'm worried about it. I might see if I can arrange a bit of flexibility like working one day from home, but don't think they will go for it..family time would be mainly at weekends I suppose. I'm only working 3 days at the moment and planning to return full time in any case, so it will be a shock. I'm also assuming I'd probably have quite a commute in London too, unless v lucky..

no the plan isn't idiotic - what is idiotic of you is to keep letting him put his career first over yours.

Stop turning things down - and then regretting it - why don't you tell him how its going to be for a change?

his argument is, oh well, you're very good at getting jobs (true) and I'm sure you can get a good job in London.. grrrr.which I could but the opportunity is here...

Friend of mine took a brilliant job, great salalry, nice car, used all her skills and experience, which required several nights away each week, if not every night. She quite often gto home after 9pm, only to leave for the airport again at 5am. They effectively had no family time durting the week and she was exhausted all week end.

Every time she was away from home her 3 year old wouldn't speak to her for twice as long as she had been away, and often longer, which at one point went to more than 3 weeks. Her A grade angelic 7 year olde became very disruptive at home and at school. Dad was exhausted too.

She handed in her notice after 9 months.

I am not going to get into the whole business of him so obviously putting himself first but with regard to the actual practicalities surely the best thing to do is give it a go and if it really doesn't work then at least you know you tried.

Slightly different position but my DH is working overseas (DC and I did previously live with him but had to move back for some health care related issues) and I am about to start a new job here.

You don't say how old the children (4&5) are but mine have adapted extremely well to the move, settled into their schools well, love having two homes, two sets of friends etc. And I have found being a "single" mum an absolute breeze compared to how I thought I would.

I think I remember your other thread.

I don't honestly know whether or not your proposal is a reasonable one but I think your dh is being incredibly selfish wrt your career. Amazing how it's fine for everyone else to move three times in ten years when it's his career that will benefit, yet suddenly it will affect the children if it's for your career.

I think you need to be absolutely sure that you're not holding out for this job partly because you didn't for the last one (it doesn't sound like it, but just making sure).

I then would say that if you really want this job, and if he really doesn't want to commute, what if you were to do all the commuting? He could then move with the children to somewhere very close to his work in the UK. YOu could agree a finish date when you will leave the job, plus an agreement that if there is any possibility of the job transferring to the UK, you will press for this.

I'll be perfectly honest and say that I wouldn't do this - I would have one go at getting the new employer to let me work from the UK, then one go at getting DH to turn down his new job and stay in the Netherlands, then I would give up and look for a new UK job. But you are clearly a hot property at the moment work-wise, and this job does sound amazing. I hope you can all work it out together.

ooh, that's hopeful, nancydrew. Mine are 3.9 and 15 months, both very happy in nursery (3 days per week at mo)one due to start school here beginning of oct. think you're right, maybe we should just try it..
coppertop, I know, but I can understand his frustration as well. maktaitai, maybe there is a teeny bit of a sense of not wanting to ditch a 2nd really good job, but this one really is great and can't believe I got this far (ha, all this angst and I bet they tell me no on Friday!). I am having a lucky time with interviews etc at the moment, but I don't want to just keep turning down golden opportunities. I am also a bit scared of going back to the UK, it's been so long and I'm worried I won't get as good a job there etc. and I think if we can stay here just to take DS nearly up to his 5th birthday it would be better to go there and start school there having had 1 year in the school here..

in a way I really just hope they say no, then the whole problem is solved. I have actually lost weight worrying about this, and not in a good way!

My DH has 'weekly commuted' on a couple of occassions for four years (or so) in total leaving me with the kids. I worked 3 days per week at one time, on other 2 occassions I have been SAHM as I have found it hard to find jobs when we have had to move for his work.

I think it is doable, but YOU will be tired and HE will probably whinge about the travel. I suspect it will place a strange and slightly false emphasis on the weekends. But they are not necessarily reasons not to do it.

I have no career after following DH and I have some regrets. It sounds like you would be more regretful than me if you gave up this opportunity too, if it does arise.

Sounds like you'll have to have a chat to DH though as he sounds like he's reneged (sp?) on his word to give your career equal respect.

I would say go for it, so good luck and I hope the job offer comes your way!

Why are DH carrer more important than ours, i say go for it if it doesnt work out then at least you have tried otherwise you will regret it.Good Luck

I remember your last thread, and really think you need to ensure this time that your career is given equal emphasis to his.

I guess you could think along the lines of 'if you tried it what's the worst that can happen?' - either you resign and move to London or he resigns and moves to you, with whoever then looking for a more suitable position with both of you in the same place. Or it could work well!

The only query I have is, why would you be the one to give up your job in two years? Is that something you want to commit to now, and will he hold you to it if you find that you don't want to leave when it comes to it?

Your last thread made me feel quite angry at your husband. He did an about-turn on your agreement, refusing to compromise. Iirc, that was because he'd not be able to find a more suitable position as his career is 'more linear', etc. Well, he has found a better job after all, hasn't he? Seems to me his career is only 'rigid' and 'linear' when it comes to respecting your position as much as his.

So now he's refused point blank over one job, is offering a compromise (which you perceive as difficult) over this one, and has made it clear he wants you to try for a third time - in London, where he wants to be.

Am I wrong in thinking you applied for the one in the Netherlands because you believed his career required him to stay there?

While I find it impossible to hide my own feelings about this, I do think you need to be clear in your mind about one thing: The only career that matters in your marriage is his. Either run around after him, or let your own light shine brightly.

I'm sure you will do well enough if you keep following him; you're obviously hot stuff. If you want to stretch your horizons, then go for whichever position fires you up - and see what happens next.

I think living apart and both working is doable but it will depend on if he wants to make it work.

Remember reading your earlier post and thinking he had been unfair in not following you this time although what we don't know is the respective salary situation in all this; when you are both working full time, do you earn about the same?

One other consideration, if you are moving back to the UK and intend to use state maintained schools keep an eye on the application dates and make sure your DC is in the UK by then (could be living with his dad) otherwise it will class as a late application and you are less likely to get a good school.

thanks all!
Well hopefully I will get the results tomorrow, I really can't turn this down. I do realise it's crap DH not seeing the kids during the week as he adores them and just wants us all to be together. that's why I've said I'll only do it for 18 months.. probably it would be better if I don't get it and do get a job in London, so now it's in the hands of fate, since I did do my absolute best in the interview. this salary would be more than his, I think that's actually the only reason why he's even contemplating going with me on this to the extent of semi-agreeing to the commute.. his argument is that he did sincerely offer to turn down his London offer for me, which he did mean sincerely, so our timings are just out. anyway off to bed after some champagne (5th wedding anniversary, ironically!!). it's shocked me actually how much of a conflict this has all been, we never had any major conflicts before because I was always so vague and kind of ad hoc professionally. now I'm making noises about actually wanting to do stuff and be more kind of 'senior', I do think on some level he is horrified as I have always been extremely scatty and creative. but people mature and start to be more capable! oh well. thanks so much for your responses, is really food for thought...

I think he should be cut a bit of slack.
As you say, you have been vague and perhaps scatty wrt your career whereas his sounds like it has been on a more linear even keel.
He did offer to give up his London job and you said no.
He will miss his kids during the week.
I think it's just unfortunate and your timings are out of sync.

Good luck for tomorrow - I hope you get the answer you want! (Often it is only when you get the answer that you realise what you wanted all along. IYSWIM.)

This man has been happily paying lipservice to the idea of you being 'equal' for years, but now it's actually time for him to live up to it and actaully acknowledge that your career matters, he's kicking up. He thinks he's more important than you because you don't have a penis, basically.
I think you should take the job (particularly as he talked you out of taking the last one) and ignore his objections, smiling sweetly all the time. He will either learn to get over himself and start doing his fair share to make your marriage one of equals, or he will start to behave so badly that you will decide to cut him loose - win/win basically. The worst case scenario would be you allowing him to put himself first yet again and entrench the structure of the family being all about his career and his needs.