OH wants to try again. Why so I feel sad?

[buttonmoon78]

OH wants to talk 'properly' and try to fix our relationship. The thing is, I'd just summoned up enough oomph to leave.

I feel a bit winded. He's never wanted to 'talk' through 14 years together. So am I kidding myself that he's serious now? Or am I doing him a disservice if I refuse to give it another go?

I guess I'm just frightened that I'll sink back to the apathy that something is better than nothing (I have been so afraid of being on my own), whereas I currently feel that the something I have now is nothing to the possible freedom the dc & I could have on our own. I had begun to make plans and could see a future. Now I don't know what I'm looking at.

I would carry on with your plans if thats poss.

have the 'talk' anyway, you could do a trial separation, or try dating, or just take time out to see how you feel.

also, he will know how serious you are, and by his actions, you will know how serious he is about fixing things.

Hr is likely only doing this now because he is sensing that you are going to leave him for real this time around.

He's had more than enough chances to change and he will also likely sink back into his old patterns once he has hooked you back in. Do not fall for it again.

Better off alone than to be badly accompanied. Being with him ultimately stops you from meeting someone else who is actually worthy of you. Your children would not thank you for staying with this man would they, they've seen what he's like and probably wonder why you did not leave him years ago.

You've got that sad feeling because your guts are telling you that it's the wrong thing to do.....

I don't know your H, of course, or whether he has the capacity to change long-term, and it's up to you whether you feel you need to give him another chance. But if his offer to fix things makes you feel sad rather than elated and/or relieved, it suggests it's too late, love and respect are already gone or at least too battered to recover. I don't think you want him to pass this test because you can't see a bright future where he not only talks with you but puts the results into action. You don't trust him to make permanent changes, and what is a relationship without trust? The fact that the only thing that stopped you leaving before was being afraid to be on your own speaks volumes.

Have you done the exercise of writing down in two columns the plusses and minuses of your relationship? How does what you get out of it stack up against what you have to put into it? You don't have to post it here, just do it for your own information. But if you put "he's a really good dad/the kids adore him" anywhere on that paper I shall bite you! This is about him as a life partner. Is there really enough in the plus column that would make him worth keeping, with or without a few behavioural tweaks?

Personally I'd get rid. I well remember the sinking feeling when XH promised the moon, and thinking "oh no, I'm going to have to give it a few months while he tries to prove he can do this". And when, a mere two days later, he came to me with a strange smile on his face saying he'd had a rethink, I felt a mixture of horror and utter, utter relief, because I didn't have to try any more. (In hindsight I didn't "have to" anyway, but you don't throw 25 years away lightly, when there are also 4 DCs, numerous pets and very little money in the equation.) He's now so far history that he's almost archaeology, and I'm single and so, so much more content.

Or, what LemonyLemon said in one sentence!