confused and hurt

[puttingonabraveface]

I think my marriage is over. I think DH is an alcoholic who is running up massive debt. We already have a debt management plan to pay off £30k, he's working a shitty job with not much income and I'm on maternity leave with dd3. Last night he came home completely wasted - in the car. He was so drunk I was terrified. I got the kids and went round to my mums for their tea. Obviously had to tell her why (except the money thing). When I came home he was still passed out in bed, been sick all over the bathroom (poor attempts to clean it up) and house exactly as I left it. I had to get kids to bed, was 9pm before I got little one to sleep then spent the next 2 hours cleaning up coz I had a work thing at house first thing this morning. He got up this morning and hasn't said anything to me (I haven't spoken to him either). dd1 knows something is going on which is what hurts me the most, can't stop crying, feel trapped and wish I hadn't involved my parents.

I didn't want to leave you unanswered.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, it sounds like a very tough situation. Obviously I'm not there so I don't know the ins and outs of the whole situation, but from the sounds of it you're under a lot of pressure and this latest incident doesn't seem to have helped.

Have you spoken with your husband about his behaviour and how its affecting the family? Is there anyway you can take a break from the house for a week or so just to get your head together, talk with your husband and decided where you all go from here?

I hope you're ok, I'm not very skilled in this sort of stuff. But hopefully someone will be along soon who has a bit more experience than I do.

Why do you wish you had not involved your parents?. Your perceived shame and embarrassment at them knowing that your H is an alcoholic?. Tell them the whole lot, such shame you may have is truly misplaced. You did the right thing getting the children away from there when he was in that state. He drove home drunk which says to me that he cares not a jot for anyone or anything around him.

Whose name is the debt in?. If it is his then he is responsible for it.

Are you now going to end your marriage?. Honestly, you would be better off apart.
All you are now to him is his enabler; you hold it all together. Its no healthy and functional marriage anyway reading your post from here; it looks akin to a warzone that will also over time damage your children emotionally as well as you. Everyone works and treads on eggshells around the alcoholic; your post is primarily about him as well. The children particularly suffer badly if one parent is an alcoholic, please think long and hard as to whether you actually want to bring them up within such a chaotic household.

Do not clear up after him any longer; that is enabling behaviour on your part and stops him from seeing the consequences of his actions.

You need support for your own self and Al-anon can be helpful to you in this regard too.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

1. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THIS
2. YOU CANNOT CURE THIS
3. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS

thanks for replying will post more later when i've stopped sobbing and can think straight

I haven't lived with an alcoholic either, but the received wisdom on these very pages and elsewhere is that the kindest thing you can do for him right now, as well as for yourself and DCs, is to tell him it's AA or the highway - he does something about his drinking or he is out. And really mean it. There will be practical and financial hurdles of course, but can you really be worse off than the massive drinking debt he's already getting you into?

It might be time you actually did involve your parents, if they're the normal decently supportive type. That's what parents are for (speaking as a parent of adult children myself I'd be quite upset if they didn't feel they could come to me in a crisis). They may be horrified but they may also be in a position to help you - I don't necessarily mean with money. Moral support if nothing else can be a huge help. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone. I'm told AlAnon are also helpful for families of alcoholics.

I think talking to him now would be a waste of time; you've likely tried that in the past with no success whatsoever. Unless he wants to seek help for himself - of his own volition - it is pointless. You cannot make him go to AA, he has to want to do so.

You can only help your own self here and you cannot save someone who may ultimately not want to be saved. There are no guarantees here - he could lose everything and still drink afterwards. You are NOT, repeat NOT responsible for him. Only yourself and your children.

Show him there are consequences for his actions. Last night should be your tipping point.

He DROVE HOME? If this is this is a regular thing first thing I would have done is rung the police.

That may come across as contravesial here but tbh I don't care.

Having known someone who died through DD and also an ex relative in the position of being the alcoholic.

My ex's mother was an alcoholic, had been for years, driving to work over the limit etc.

The one day she had a blazing row with one fo her sons at a party and stormed out to her car. Things had changed he now had kids his mindset had changed, he phoned the police and reported his own mum to the police. He said he could never forgive himself if she killed herself of worse an innocent family in a car because he didn't stop her. It made her face up to her issues and finally get help, she was so smashed she only avoided a prison sentence due to ill health.

I have to say if my own husband came home smashed after drving I'd have no qualms about reporting him to the police for being such a tool. If he were an "alcoholic" or not, like I say if this is a regular thing you should have reported it IMO. Alcoholics by nature are selfish and yes I know poorly, But they have to want to help themselves they cross the line when their selfishness indangers others lives IMO.

Leave the idiot. It might be the only chance you and he has of beating his alcoholism.

I totally would report him for driving drunk.

I'd also tell him "AA or the highway" as Annie said. It's true that no-one, except the addict, can stop an addiction. Each individual has their own 'rock bottom' and, for many, the realisation that they genuinely are about to lose everything is what it takes. Some, tragically, have to lose it all before they get the message. You really cannot wait around until he's lost your home, health & sanity too.

Please do tell your parents. Please ring the Al-Anon helpline, as well.

Good luck.

Sorry, meant to add: the above is if you're hoping to stay together. You have reason enough to call time now; hand him an AA booklet on the way out.

I agree too, Rafwife. He could easily have killed somebody.

Just about to have the chat, may have to throw up first though, will keep you posted, but it may be tomorrow.

Attila is spot-on. Good luck with the chat.

hi - i am the alkie in our marriage - i can only give you our experience.

dh is a fantastic man! he told me 'quit or i go'

i have been sober for 6 weeks (nearly 7)

dh attends al-anon, is supportive but no push over - i KNOW, without a doubt that he has had enough of the alcoholic me - if i pick up, he is out the door, no messing!

he is not strong, brave, whatever, just sick to the back teeth of my poor behaviour.

i suppose that how ever hard it is, give your dh the FINAL ultimatum, for yours and your dcs sake. - if the booze means more to him than you and the children do, im sorry, but so be it! ime, one way or another, your life will improve immeasurably.

Thanks everyone, had the talk tonight and he says he will go to the docs 'if i make him an appointment', am i being mean by being not completely convinced? also apparently its my fault because i exclusively bf our 6month daughter. i sleep in her room with her as we have 2 others and if i had to settle her after every feed i would get 20mins sleep a night, trust me if she sleep well like the others i would be v happy, i don't like sharing a single bed with a baby, and i have been trying to make progress, i am slowly, can now leave her for periods in the evening, but he's now sat on his sofa watching the telly, so whats the point?

advice please...

His comments make no sense Braveface.

His alcoholism is caused by you being a good mum and breastfeeding your child? .

You need to speak to AA.

OP - making the appointment is his responsibility not yours! he needs to take control of his problem starting now. i think he is being very unfair putting the onus onto you.
i think you also need to adopt a zero tolerance approach: drink driving will be reported, he will not be allowed into the family home if he is drunk enough to pose a risk to your children etc.
i really hope he has apologised profusely to you.
to echo Attila: you did not cause this, you're not responsible for fixing his behaviour.
i feel quite angry for you

Thanks all, making appointment today (just want him to go at mo rather than argue over taking reponsibility). Have made it clear I don't ever want to see him drink driving again, and he has said he will stop completely - only time will tell though eh.

If you are making the appointment, then it is a waste of time. He has to want to change, not just do it to please you. It really really won't work unless he takes responsibility for his own actions, and has reached the point he wants to change.

I would really suggest you talk to Al Anon yourself, to see more clearly what is going on.

Thanks, I guess I know that really, but I don't want it to get any worse. I know all about having to reach rock bottom and helping yourself, but I don't want me and the kids to reach rock bottom with him. I will contact Al Anon though.