Abusive hurtful relationship for a man!

[adoptedace]

Hi all, came across this site today and wouldn't mind asking your advice.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, when we got together she had a 6 month old daughter, the father nowhere to be seen. I would say 18 months into a happy relationship things started to turn a bit sour. When the GF got drunk she started becoming abusive and has punched me a few times (she has a good right arm) and she became very nasty and spiteful with her words. One incident i nearly lost my job, she came home drunk and belted me in the face after a silly argument (like they always are) and i got a black eye and a swelled out face. Had to ring work the next morning to tell them why i wouldnt be in and as you can imagine they all found it funny. next day when i turned up i was given a warning because it doesnt look good for the company with me like that.

Stuff like this still goes on, we split recently but i am going back to her on monday (bad idea?) More for the sake of our little girl. She only knows me as her father as we have had no input from the sperm donors family.

Is there any advice i can give to her to try and calm her down a little. She doesnt drink too much to be fair, i would be wrong to say she did but like i say when she gets leathered its a bad outcome, and not fair for our little girl to see us argue over petty things like this. I honestly want to make it work this time.

Thank you

OK, you're trolling but your thread idea's a good one. Men in abusive relationships do get short shrift and often feel too embarrassed to talk about it.

Nobody who's being abused should stay in the relationship. Apart from everything else, children believe their parents are always right and, therefore, will grow up to conduct their own relationships in the same way (or do the exact opposite - in your case, that could result in your DD marrying a drunk who hits her.)

Many men suffer verbal & emotional abuse from female partners. The proportion of women who physically attack male partners is smaller, but it's still an important issue.

This page is useful, and offers helpline links for men in this situation.

Good post Grace - and agree with everthing you say there. I think it's an issue which is frequently over looked, I think also it can be harder for men to seek help as there's a "macho" image that they feel they have to preserve.

Thanks for that link. I wasn't meaning to come across as being abused as such but wanted advice on how I can try and get her to calm down a bit. And make her see sense that it isn't good for our little girl.
Most of the time the GF is a great person and mother and now we have decided to give things one last chance. I am a bit worried about how things will turn out but hey ho, gotta try.

Sorry for trolling, You have probably guessed where I saw the link to this site and I thought it could be a good place to ask.

Thanks

The description you give is absolutely of an abusive relationship; both verbal and physical abuse. It's nothing to be ashamed of; it's not the victim's fault and nothing they do can change the outcome - except leave. If you're with someone who is nasty and spiteful and hits you, then it will not work to go back and try again.

The trolling from your site means that people are going to be reluctant to give lengthy advice. That's a shame; if you're genuine, maybe you can take the offenders to task?

Grace's link is very good. If you want to come back and talk to us some more, please do. We're naturally suspicious today, but this is generally a very good place to get advice, understanding and practical help.

I know and understand why you may be reluctant. I spent the past hour reading through problems on here and the advice given and it is a great site you have. Not all off PH should be tarred with the same brush, it was unfortunate that the jokers targetted yourselves. like I say I just clicked on the link to see what they were up to and found somewhere that gives good advice and hopefully some for me.

I will leave it a few days before I return.

Many thanks

John.

John I don't know what PH is but gather there's been some hoo ha lately.

I take it your issue is genuine, in which case a warm welcome to Mumsnet and I really hope you receive some good advice.

Fwiw I don't think you should go back to her.

I would say as much to a female in a similar situation because I think you are in physical danger, and your daughter is witnessing some very unpleasant stuff between you and your girlfriend, which is going to shape her attitude to relationships throughout her life.

You can't stay. You say you really want to make it work this time, but you can't do that - it's your girlfriend who is to blam for the abuse and there's no way you can make her behave differently - she would have to want to, and a drastic change such as is needed is VERY unlikely to take place within the next few months or even years tbh

now what about your daughter. If you log these incidents with the police, it will look better for you when it comes to legal stuff. Do you think your daughter is at risk from her mother?

I think your relationship with this little girl might be absolutely crucial to keeping her safe and protected. So you will want to get yourself a good solicitor and make sure you don't lose that.

I havr to go now but hopefully someone else will be along to help you. Take care.

What is PH?

Your problems are going to be compounded in one way by the fact that you are not the little girl's father, nor are you married to her mother, so you have no legal rights WRT her care.
When your GF is sober, would she listen to you about the fact that she has a drink problem? Or have you already been down this road repeatedly - she drinks, thumps you, promises to change and then it starts all over again?

It's not possible to 'cure' a violent alcoholic who doesn't want to stop drinking. You can't 'love someone enough' to fix them if they are not making any effort to fix themselves. I would say walk away, but I appreciate you are worried about the little girl. As others have said, get some outside advice. Best of luck.

My ex isn't a bad person, but she seemed to need to control everyone and create friction (equating to passion?) every now and again.

She couldn't affect me anymore directly. Friends had seen her screaming and insulting me and I was beyond being embarrassed.

She discovered that my upsetting HER kids, it would get to me.

Their own dad is a violent, selfish disaster. She is a bit emotional, kids get shouted at and slapped a lot.

Me and her kids bonded really well. They seemed to like having a steady bloke around. Someone they could play and talk with and explain things to them. Even cooking became a game.

But after seeing her deliberately or subconciously upsetting the kids many times, I decided I had to leave. I'd lost almost all respect for her and felt the kids would bear the brunt of any rows.

Also, I'd wanted kids for the first time ever, would have been happy to look after hers, but also started to think of having ones with her.

After seeing this, I knew I never wanted her to be the mother of my kids. That was it.

Mostly, I just had to get this off my chest. Been bottled up for too long.

My advice? Talk a bit. Take the booze off her? Dunno.

That's a very sad story, Idler. Thanks for posting, and I'm sorry you not only had to go through this but have felt you needed to bottle it up.

The woman sounds like a nutcase, finding a nice man who loved her kids and her, then using the children to wind him up! As we know, complicated background issues can make people play out 'old scripts' in their own lives ... which is often what's happening when we say somebody is "their own worst enemy." It's really upsetting to be on the sharp end of this kind of thing, as you know. The worst thing is, NOTHING can make that person change. They have to see what's occurring for themselves, then make a long-term commitment to fix it - most likely with therapy.

adoptedace: Just now there are quite a few threads here, concerning alcoholic partners. The story is basically the same as above: underlying problems; damaging behaviours. A problem drinker can sometimes be prompted to face their alcoholism, and start to deal with it, by their partner's ultimatum. It doesn't always work - and, of course, it definitely won't work if you're not 100% serious about your ultimatum.

I don't know how things would work out with you & the kids - however, there's little point in worrying about that until you find out whether she's ready to take a look at herself.

Did you go back today? What happened?

Grace, thanks for comments.

Friends know (they saw!), but difficult to burden them. Much prefer to semi-anonymously burden others! Never know, I might be able to return the favour.

Her first relationship (husband) was bad. Also, reading between the lines, something bad happened when she was young, probably not physical, but nearly, possibly family.

I did wonder if there was more than 1 person in there.

After some research and thinking, I think all/most of us have at least different facets to their personality, with a few more having the ability to flip.

I did find it odd to be blamed for things her ex had done - "Well he did it and I thought you were going to".

But there's probably another side to the story, with a list of my deficits!

She probably needs a man to challenge and possibly dominate her.

I need someone level-headed, unmaterialistic and caring, able to smile at life's oddness.