why am i still hurting over abusive boyfriend!

[missylea]

I have been on and off with my abusive boyfriend over the past 2 years and the emotional abuse that i have suffered was horrific! 2 weeks ago he came to my house and gabbed me by the throat and tried to strangle me I rang the police and went to court the next day and got non molestion order against him and to my horror he denied everything! I know I am well rid of this man by the way we have a ds together who is 20 months but why am i still hurting??? I should hate him and everything about him as he is a horrible, evil and manipulating man who thinks he can get away with everything. My friend told me she seen him out last week in a club and I felt so sick and jealous knowing that he was probably out getting someone else while i havent been out since it all happened as I fear he will try and do something to me again. I am a mother of 3 ds and I dont want them growing up thinking that this is exceptable. I feel so down and so lonely. Obviously he cannot contact me due to the non mol and ive been sitting not knowing what to do with myself as the past 2 years have been nothing but drama and confrontation and arguements. I just want to get him out of my head and stop hurting over such a abusive man! Please help, I feel i have no one to talk too and its hard for people to understand as they think im well rid which I know i am but just cant stop hurting as he has shown no remorse whatsoever for what he has done.

because no matter what he did to you, you loved him.
Your head is telling you he was no good but your heart is still aching for the lovely kind man that he made you fall in love with.

It will get better. I promise you.

My ex beat the shite out of me on a daily basis, he was abusive in every way possible. I left him almost 6 years ago and yet even now, sometimes i miss him.

You can't tell yourself which emotions you can feel and which you cant.

You will get to a point where you don't care what he does with his life so long as he isn't in yours. by that time you will have moved on yourself and will be happy in your own life.

Just remember that you did the right thing and that this will pass and you will be a much happier person for it

I know i have done the right thing and i can hold my head high as i did nothing to deserve what i got from him! I have just finished a womens aid course about abusers and you're right they are such charmers at the start to get you hooked and then the abuse starts. Thank god i have my own home and dont have to go through that mess of sorting out finances and I can keep him away. I feel ashamed for loving such a horrible man, not only was he horrible to me but my ds from previous marriage. He even beat up my ex boyfriend for sending me a text message! These men have ways of making you feel like its your fault and that i deserved it and i hate that! It just seems so easy for him to move on and be out and about while I cant even think about anyone else never mind going out on the town again! I really did try and make it work with him as i had a failed marriage before him and then we had a baby together but there is only so much someone can stick! I feel him just being physical abusive with me was enough to keep him away even know the mental and emotional torture he put me through was worse. I just hope i get over this, how will i ever trust someone else again? I dont want to be on my own but it wont be the same if i meet someone else as I dont think any man would treat my children like his own and I think thats what im looking for. Sorry i just feel so confused and sad

Do whatever you can to get through the here and now. It's a blessing that he cannot contact you. Tell all your friends and family that you don't want to know if they have seen him and what he is up to. True friends will not tell you. Don't go anywhere where you might bump into him, if possible.

It will get better in time, your heart will heal. Bless you.

i felt exactly the same way.

My ds has asd. i was convinced i was going to be single forever.

It took me a while to get my head into a space where i could even entertain the idea of being with someone else.

It took 4 years but then i met DP. He is more of a dad to my children than their actual fatehr ever could be.

You will find someone, when you are ready.

ah thank you.. I just feel i dont know what to do with myself now.. i feel my life has revolved around men for so long and this is the first time I have sort of been on my own which I know I need to stay for a while but I just dont know what to do! I am a sahm and the days drag in and i suppose i have too much time on my hands to think about things. I havent slept much since it has happened thinking that he is gonna come back and really hurt me next time. Im petrified! His family are a nightmare too, they are so loyal to him even though they know what he is like and what he has done. My ex has a really professional job too and i suppose thats why he had to lie as the implications of losing his job are at risk.

God 4 years seems like a really long time!!! I suppose im wanting a quick fix and there isnt one! I just hate the thought of him charming his way with other girls like he did with me and not showing any remorse towards me. I know that shouldnt bother me but im sorry it does and I really dont want it to.

That thought will eat up all your emotions he might be doing it, or trying to, or perhaps he is feeling just as screwed up and other people can see through this or he just might not be in the right place to start up another relationship. The best thing is that you are not aware of what he is doing.

I know it's easily said than done but try to focus on your DC's and not him. Remember you will get over him but your DC's need you now and always will.

Don't worry about another man at this stage. You will come out of it ready, one day and it will happen. You will meet someone much nicer and even if you don't like anyone for a while you will be just fine.

missylea - I can totally sympathise, it's hard when someone has been abusive, and then they move on without a backward glance whilst you pick up the pieces. It's even harder when they deny the abuse ever took place

But - the good news is that you did the right thing and have got yourself and your children out of the situation, but even so, I know that I missed my XP desperately, but friend and family don't understand as they think you are well rid of your XP.

Like Giganteur, I still miss him now sometimes.

I went to counselling, and did a lot of reading and learnt how to be totally happy on my own, and in my own company. It does happen, but you can make a conscious effort to help things along a bit! The best bit of advice I got was to just let go of everything, the sadness, the bitterness etc, because at the end of the day, your XP doesn't even know what you're thinking, it's only making you unhappy

Thanks chatty, I know its just awful. I have to face him next month in court while he is contesting the non mol order and i will have to listen to his lies! Would you recommend some books that i read. I have already made appointment to get counselling as i want to get over this sad and tramatic part of my life.
Its just the charming side of him i miss but that is not his true self. I think i am just really really lonely and isolated.

Can anyone advise on any good self help books. I have read lundy bancroft why does he do that but it didnt really help me. Any others would be greatly appreciated! Thanks

missylea, this chap has some serious issues, you of course know this so don't go blaming yourself.

Whatever your part in this whole affair may be, his behaviour is unacceptable.

You have a rough path ahead, & it will not be easy to walk it alone.

You are not alone, as your 3 dc will be with you & you must summon every ounce of strength you can to move on.

Unless this chap gets help, you cannot afford to engage with him. This is harsh, but true.

In any event, you need to settle in your own mind that you & your dc will survive with or without him.

I would guess the reason that you are still hurting is because you are of a sensitive nature, which incidentally is a grand trait to possess.

On a practical front, are there any local groups that you could hook-up with? Having someone to talk things over with (unload) would I feel be of great assistance.

I don't know about abusive relationships & can only imagine what you are experiencing, but I do know what it's like to feel totally isolated & lonely.

Chin-up, there are people who have trodden these paths before & some are more than willing to lend a hand where they can.

It might not seem like it, but if this chap has any hope of returning to the human race, he has a far longer & harder path to tread than you.

Peruse the counselling & don't feel afraid to enquire of the relevant authorities for help (possible victim support?)

I do hope things improve quickly for you in the short term & that your inner hurt lessens.

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Im so sorry you are going through this. Although my ex has never hit me, he has not treated me very nicely alot of the time and we are just going through a breakup this week. His decision not mine. I still love him so much it's all I can do to get through each day, even though I know depe down he has some serious issues and has not been good for me in many ways.

All I can say is to try and seek some counselling and that it isn;t your fault he is like this. he is not worth your time or attention. Take care. [smile}

Thank you all, the way I feel is that I dont want him involved in any aspect of my life as I know how manipulative and nasty. He has Major issues but the sad thing is he doesnt even think it! He is so full of himself and says to me that he can get anyone he wants, yes granted he is a really good looking guy but he is ugly inside!
This was my decision to walk away and has been every time he has been abusive and he knew he was losing control and that I wasnt changing my mind this time so he just lost it with me!
I have been through where he has spat in my face, smashed a glass from my hand, smashed my laptop, grabbed me by the face and thats not even touching on the verbal and emotional abuse I got.
I suppose I am grieving that i have lost a relationship that I tried hard to work at and its not really him cause I do know I dont want him anywhere near me or my dc. I have set things up that his family member comes to my home to pick up ds so I have no interaction with him at all and also the non mol in place.
I am such a sensitive person, my friends look at me and say that I have everything and a stunning girl and would be out dating people but I just cant! So I guess i probably just need help to heal and move on from this horrible man!

It's a big thing that you have done, & it will take time for things to settle down. You should allow yourself that time.

Don't be pressured by yourself or anyone else to get into anything serious until this thing has played itself out to a more stable place.

Hi Missy, try reading The Power of Now.

It's one of those books that you have to be in the right frame of mind to read, but, without trying to sound wanky, it gave me some peace, and helped me to let go of all the thoughts which were poisoning me.

It's very, very hard to hear the lies, you just have to accept that it's inevitable. I raged and ranted because mutual friends all chose to believe that the abuse never happened, or that 'it takes two to tango', and that I lost many 'friends' over it who chose to take his side or bury their heads in the sand - but just keeping thinking that at the end of the day, you can't control what he does or doesn't say, or who does and doesn't believe you. All that matters is that you make yourself happy by not letting it get you down

Also, and this was my only action against him - I took him to court under the protection against harrassment act, which says that it's an offence to act in a way that causes someone harm (can't remember the exact definition but it's usually used in cases against stalkers). I did it because he owed me over £10k which I had put into the house, and a further £10k dealing with the fallout.

It's never, ever used in domestic violence cases, but if you can prove that you have lost out financially (for example I went to counselling, lost my job, etc), then the court will award both special and general damages - which means that they award damages to cover your financial losses, and also to cover general emotional damage.

It's not something I went into lightly, but in the end my XP - who swore he was a gentleman and never touched a hair on my head, and who told all and sundry that it was me that was violent - suddenly settled out of court for a sizeable figure.

Thank you for all you wonderful advice and support. I feel better today as I have said to myself I know the truth and so does he and I have even text messages to prove how abusive he was to me, so they will be used in the court hearing next month! I am financally independant and own my own home thank god so I never got into anything financally with him as i suppose deep down i knew he wasnt for me and he was so abusive. I know it will just take time to get over what has happened and get my life back on track but I have had so much drama in my life since i was a little girl! Didnt have a good upbringing, was with ex husband since i was 15 as i just wanted someone to love me. So it is hard for me when I feel no one loves me and has turned on me whenever i feel i give them everything. I have read the book women who love to much and thats me! I lose myself whenever i am in a relationship to make the other person happy and thats something i need to work on for myself! Thanks again everyone for your support. xx

missylea, it does get better I promise you. Definitely look for some domestic violence counselling as this did me the absolute world of good. I did domestic violence counselling for 12 weeks and 5 years later I am married to a wonderful, kind and generous man, who loves my dc more than anything. It can get better.

You need to except that you were in love with the man that he could have been not with the man he is.

Also try not to pin all your hopes on the court case. I took my xp to court (for the 2nd time) for domestic violence with 2 friends as witnesses (he broke into my house, beat me and my friend up, smashed the house up etc) and his family hired a very expensive solicitor who got the case thrown out of court. I know how abusive he was to me, my friends and family know and he knows. I am just glad to have escaped.

missylea, I remember you and I'm so glad you are away from him. Well done for being so brave.

My XP wasn't physically abusive but he put me through some horrible times with his covert abuse and anger issues. I have been feeling a lot like you describe, and it's early days for me too so I know a little of what you are feeling

When I have the time, I've been trying to do some reading to help me move on and stop feeling so lost and bitter. I can't afford counselling but a book that has opened my eyes is Women Who Love Too Much. I remembered the title from a bridget jones film when she was throwing all her self help books away, so I always dismissed it and assumed it was a load of claptrap, but it's me in those pages. Your last post sounds a lot like me and the women in her book as well, so perhaps you might find it helpful.

I've also been trying to work through a book on codependency called The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation which has been painful reading but very interesting and I've had some good insights about why I put up with a knobber like him for so long.

Even if it's lonely, remember that things will get better and better all the time, and you WILL meet someone amazing one day who will treat you well. In the meantime, use this time as a space to grow and reflect, and to ensure you never settle for such a twat again.
Sending good thoughts your way

Hi cheerful, I have read women who love too much and it is me too! Funnily enough I am ready a book at the minute called codependent no more.

I just feel there are alot of assholes out there and I have been burnt alot of times! I feel like a trophy on mens arms but then again i always go for the good looking ones!

Im so sorry lilmiss that that happened to you and that arsehole walked free! Its so unfair. Im not really worried about them finding him guilty about the assault as long as I get my full non mol order next month which he is contesting too. It means he cant come near me or contact me for 18 months or his ass will be thrown in jail! Of course i would love him to be found guilty and the truth will prevail but i cant see that happening as they need lots of evidence. Just as long as he is out of my life and I can move on and be happy with my dc thats all i want. x