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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you reckon if you are single and are struggling to decide between two different men....

14 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 14/07/2010 14:54

then neither of them are "the one"....??

Its a situation that is facing someone I know. She is single, would like to settle down and has been seeing two men (all above board etc.) and is genuinely struggling to chose which one she tries to make a go of it with, long term.

The old romantic in me thinks that if one of them were "the one" then there wouldn't be this indecision and therefore, she might be best off moving on and finding someone else.

Am I talking out of my arse.... ? Its all a bit complicated for a dull old married like me, but she has asked me for my advice

OP posts:

YunoYurbubson · 14/07/2010 15:00

I disagree. This idea of "the one" implies that there is only one person in the world who you could love and live with in relative harmony and happiness. That simply isn't true, or how would people find love again after being widdowed?

I had two men in the running when I settled down with dh. As soon as I had chosen him, he was 'the one' I suppose in as as much as I wouldn't then have looked to fall in love with anyone else, and I invested 100% emotionally in our future together, but if I had chosen the other chap I think we would have been very happy together too.

Original poster

Tillyscoutsmum · 14/07/2010 15:05

I agree about there not being one "the one" iyswim but at the same time, I think that if there is a choice between two, then one should stand out as being a more obvious choice. Obviously not in your instance though (and probably not hers either).

Hmmmmmm

Thanks for the response

OP posts:

Remotew · 14/07/2010 15:06

Well I'm an old romantic and really want to fall in love, therefore I cannot imagine choosing between two. It would mean I wasn't in love with either and was settling for the best prospect.

FakePlasticTrees · 14/07/2010 15:07

I also disagree - the concept of 'the one' can ruin lives when people chase after an ideal they might never get.

Tell your friend to list the faults of the two blokes, check if there's anything on the list that's a deal breaker. (and from MN, I'd say attitude to money and sex are the major issues!)

Mumfun · 14/07/2010 15:16

Dont think 'the one; exists either.

Due to recent experiencce would say to her to look at families of both men.

For me now if one of their fathers was a complete tosser or he had a strange relationship with mother either too close or very distant that would be dealbreaker for me.

Original poster

Tillyscoutsmum · 14/07/2010 15:24

Thanks. I definitely agree there are plenty of "the ones" out there for everyone.

From what she has said, it seems to be a bit of a head or heart decision. She seems to want me to make it for her, despite never meeting either of them and obviously not being inside her head (or heart !). She has a lot of ishoooos from the past which I really think she needs to get sorted before she is ready for a long term commitment to anyone.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 14/07/2010 15:49

Well... if she wants her friend who has never met either man to help her choose... it sounds like you're right, she's not ready to settle down at all yet.

FrogInAJacuzzi · 14/07/2010 16:55

But can you really be in love with two people at the same time? I would have thought that would be impossible. I know that you can love more than one person but actually be "in love"? I don't see it myself..

lazarusb · 14/07/2010 17:03

Sounds like she needs a bit of space on her own for a while. Why is she trying to choose now- her decision or is one (or both) of them pressuring her?

NotQuiteCockney · 14/07/2010 17:04

I don't believe in 'the one' either.

But yes, if she is wavering between two men, neither is the right one for her.

TeeBee · 14/07/2010 17:39

She should go with the one with the biggest willy, obviously.

overmydeadbody · 14/07/2010 17:44

Tilly there is no such thing as "the one", so yeah, I think you are talking out of your arse

Frog being 'in love' isn't real love, it is just a feeling of lust, so of course people can be' in love' with more than one person at the same time.

Original poster

Tillyscoutsmum · 14/07/2010 19:35

overmydeadbody - story of my life

lazarusb - I'm not sure they are putting pressure on her as such. Its all a bit complicated but they are in two different locations (one in New Zealand, one in the pacific islands), she is currently in India on a course which finishes in 4 weeks, so she's decided where to go from there. I think she needs to come home to UK, maybe get some counselling for historic "stuff" and then see how she feels from there. She would also like dc's at some point and is 35 so is starting to feel a bit of pressure to settle somewhere and with someone.

She makes me feel very dull and suburban by comparison whilst she apparently envies the fact I have my own home, a dh and 2 dc's

OP posts:

lazarusb · 14/07/2010 20:09

That bloody 'biological clock' eh? Tilly, I would encourage her to come back and take a bit of time for herself. I think she needs to step back and definitely not consider making babies with anyone for a while yet.

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