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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on using Relate

11 replies

chinupgirl · 13/07/2010 22:11

I think I know the answer, but the guilt is kicking in.

Husband walked out 18mths ago, because he was having an affair with our married friend (affair number 2 I now discover). It's all been pretty horrid, emotional bullying, court, the full works. As you can imagine communication is a little difficult, but oddly my ex can't seem to understand why this might be. We tried mediation, but when he didn't get his way on access, he took me to court. Didn't get his way there so he has now suggested we try Relate.

I've had enough of drawing up agreements which he ignores and I've said there is no point whilst he is still conducting an affair. To add to my joy, he is now trying to deny the affair ever happened, even though it is still on-going.

Is there any point in going to Relate, when I'm just going to have to sit there listening to him blame me for everything and with him telling bare faced lies? I think not, but he's pressing my guilt button again saying that it is the best interest of our child.

Help and advice?

OP posts:

Bishoplyn · 13/07/2010 22:55

Hi, Chin. This is my first post so I'm a bit nervous.
I split up with my XP of 14 years 3 years ago. We went to Relate weekly for about 6 weeks before the split. We went at my suggestion.
With hindsight, I can see we both held back a bit during the sessions. Both of us aren't very comfortable talking about our feelings. We had a student counsellor who wasn't very skilled at drawing us out.
But,overall, I feel the sessions let me see that I was also to blame for the problems in the relationship - before that, I would have felt they were all his fault. My anger towards him faded a bit and, when we split, it was relatively hassle free.
Was quite expensive - the amount you pay per session is means tested.
Whatever you decide, good luck, Sounds like you've had a nightmare 18 months.

Original poster

chinupgirl · 13/07/2010 23:07

Thanks for the support, I wish we'd been able to sort it out better. Had he suggested going to Relate before he walked out, I think it might have helped. The last time we met (a pair of friends offered) I had the joy of watching him self harm, by banging his head against a wall for 5 mins and then claiming he spent the evenings trying to cut his wrists.

It just seems a bit pointless whilst he is still in denial about his affair. I feel like I'm paying for his counselling (again)

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 13/07/2010 23:17

Hi chinupgirl. Why do you think he is suggesting Relate now? Do you think he wants to get back together?

I am worried that he is just trying to do this to manipulate you. Surely if he wanted to cooperate, he would have done when you had the mediation.

If I was you I would stop dealing with him directly now, and have all contact through your solicitors. If he is having contact with your children you can do handovers through a contact centre so he can't be manipulative while he is there. I am sorry you had to watch him "self harm" but TBH that just reminds me of a toddler's tantrum!

I fail to see how you going to Relate will have any effect at all on your child, so I think that is a non argument. But tell him he is quite welcome to seek individual counselling through Relate or other means if he feels it will make him a better parent.

BertieBotts · 13/07/2010 23:19

Oh and I doubt his "suicide attempts" were genuine either. If someone is suicidal they don't "try" to cut their wrists and they wouldn't tell you about it. He's attention seeking. Treat him like you would a toddler - ignore and withdraw the attention.

Katisha · 13/07/2010 23:26

Yes had the misfortune to know someone who would threaten suicide to get his own way when a relationship broke up. In the end the woman told him next time she would call the police and send them round. Funnily enough he stopped that tactic.
Kept having other "crises" though for a while. Stand firm.

cestlavielife · 13/07/2010 23:33

suggest to him you attend a parenting apart course / therapy for separated couples to learn how to communicate about isues around the dcs -not relate.
no point.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/07/2010 23:39

Relate will do no good. They probably won't even agree to see the pair of you. Because this man is manipulative and abusive. Cut all contact with him except stuff re access to DC, remember that you don't have to obey him, put the DC's interests first and stand your ground if he is unreasonable.

Tortington · 13/07/2010 23:44

have to agree with SGB

hes clearly a cock - cease all contact and go only through a solicitor.

change your phone number
get a mobile phone thats just for him to ring and only turn it on when or if he has the kids

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/07/2010 00:56

I think I remember you OP. Didn't you have to suffer the OW smirking at you in the playground?

No, don't go to Relate. That ship sailed long ago. I can't even see why this is being suggested. You've parted, are not going to get back together and your contact with eachother needs to be perfunctory and related to the DCs.

Relate never works when one person is hiding secrets and it really doesn't matter now. You know the truth. Also, as SGB says, he is abusive and manipulative, so they shouldn't even agree to counsel in such cases.

Original poster

chinupgirl · 14/07/2010 19:28

Yes, WWIFN, that would be me and the barking mad OW. And the conclusion of the playground is that she is away with the fairies. No-one talks to her.

Thank you all, I didn't think Relate would see us but I don't think he has actually told them about the affair. No-one knows what he wants or why he thinks Relate will help. I think he went to them for counselling. I get the impression that he would like to get back together, but only if he can keep friends with his girlfriend and I promise to change my behaviour and crawl on bended knee to beg him to come back.

Most contact is via solicitor, but I did agree to emergency text messages recently. Guess what, I starting getting them all the time, so I've had to stop those. Problem is, being the manipulative git that he is he uses this as an excuse not to tell me things, like when he has planned holidays or has decided to take child for treatment for (made up) illness.

It is a bit like dealing with a sulky teenager. I'm getting better at ignoring the guilt, but if I start weakening, I'll come back and get you all to give me a kick up the backside. And next court session, I will be raising the suicide threats.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2010 09:59

All this suicidey crap and harassment is an attempt to get you to give him what he wants, which is to move back into your home, be serviced domestically by you and carry on fucking his girlfriend. Because, don't you understand, he is the most important person on the planet and you are just unreasonable in even thinking that he should have to take anyone else's feelings into consideration and that he can't always have everything his own way.

Honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty for. He's just another self-obsessed knob who you are well rid of. ANd fairly soon the DC will be old enough to say that they would rather do without him as well. BEst of luck.

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