I just don't fit in and I don't know what to do to make it better.

[cupofteaplease]

I am really struggling at the moment as I feel so incredibly lonely in my life, and I want to find the happiness that I have previously known.

I used to have a lovely group of friends at school, and I loved feeling that I belonged. However, we left school and all moved on. The same happened at college, uni, post grad uni and previous jobs. I seemed to make friends very quickly, be happy with them, and then when life moved on, those friendships fizzled out. Don't get me wrong, from each group of those friends I keep in contact with at least one person, either in an annual visit/meal or via email, but we have all seemed to end up at other sides of the country/world. I do have one very best friend, but I don't see her more than once per month.

Dd1 has completed a year at her school nurery and now reception, and I had really hoped to make some 'mum' friends to fill the friendship gap in my life, but I haven't succeded. Other mums seem to have found little groups that they have gelled with, whereas I have only made one friend who I would meet up with for a coffee. She has now told me that she would like to extend her group of friends and from now on she will be arranging coffee mornings with other mums as she doesn't not want to be pigeon-holed with me. I can't tell you how pathetic that made me feel, like I am a burden on her and other people look at me as a hinderence to her .

I am a very smiley person and I have no fear in saying hello to people, but that is as far as it goes at school. I find this so difficult as this is the only place in my life where I have failed to build relationships with people. I know I don't fit the typical demographic of the school, and people often comment on how young I am (!), I am 28 for crying out loud with a professional job and I am very happy in the company of all ages, but it really seems to put some people off and I often hear the comment- 'Oh, I've got 10 years on you!', as if it matters in some way. Does it? Am I wrong to try and form friendships with people 10+ years older? I have never experienced this prejudice before.

Oh I don't know. I have actually considered moving dd's schol as I can't face more years like this, but I realise how selfish that would be for dd. I am so lonely, and just can't understand why I cannot make friends here.

It isn't you that is the problem.

Do you walk to and from school, ime that is where the parents at my dc's school do the chatting.

If you invite dd's friends back for tea then when you drop them off or their parents pick them up you will have the chance to chat about what they've done at your house and that will lead to friendships but without the onus being on you to make friends.

The age thing is a bit pathetic really, old or young all parents have things in common and actually you'd probably be one of the older mums at my dc's school. I can't help but think that there might be some jealousy involved.

Good Luck.

Thanks for replying jenroy .

I do the school run 2 days a week, I work the other 3.

I have held some playdates, and again chat away to the mums at pick up time, same as at parties. But that's as far as it goes. No invites for coffee, or drinks at the pub etc., and these things happen a lot, I hear abut them all the time after they have happened.

I really am one of the youngest parents at this school which is odd. Basically, there are two primaries in this town, one on the 'good' side of town, one on the 'normal' side of town. I happen to live in a very, very modest home in the 'good' side of town, (it is a HA house which was acquired as an ex repossesion so doesn't really fit the typical HA style house in the town, I couldn't afford to live here otherwise...)

Consequently, most of dd's friends' parents are older as presumably they have worked hard for longer to buy lovely homes in the 'good' side of town. Trust me, I know how hideous that sounds, this area and the school is so 'elitist' that it makes me cringe.

I just don't feel like I belong here. Thankfully dd is oblivious and absolutely fine. Unfortunately, I can already see the friendships forming for dd2's year group (about to enter nursery), and I don't fit in with them either!

I know this post has probably made it sound as if I see myself as a victim of some sort, but honestly I do try my best to be confident yet open with the mums at school!!

Hello cupofteaplease, firstly, how nice you sound, I would love to have coffee and a natter with you!
I really do sympathise. although my own "school gates" days are long over, I recall them well as I too had trouble "fitting in" despite, like you, being a smiley friendly peson. We moved house when my elder DS was in Year 1 to a village where Inew no-one - it seemed to take ages to make friends and I didn't find the natives overly welcoming. I was in my early 30s when he was born so a lot of the other mums were up to 10 years younger than me. I was a professional woman who took a few years out to raise the 2 DSs and at times I think that set me apart as many of the other mums worked.
It wasn't really that the mums were cliquey, though heaven knows I know some can be, I think perhaps they saw me as quite a confident person and perhaps assumed I didn't particularly need them IYSWIM?
I managed to integrate a bit when I confided in the school secretary that I was lonely - she put me in touch with the PTA chairman and she was very welcoming as I volunteered to help with events. Also I went into school a couple of hours a week to read with the reception class, that kind of "got me known".
Could you invite one of your child's friends round for tea/to play and make friends one-to-one withits Mum?
I know how it feels though to be a bit "on the edge" of things. Don't try to hard, I'm sure you are a really nice person (and that other lady you had coffee with sounds rather insensitive, if not downright unkind) - you just need maybe to hit on the right person/s to make friends with.
For me it's turned out that I have two good friends both 10-ish years younger than me, whose kids were starting primary school as mine were leaving. Never thought they'd want an "old" friend like me but there you go.
Come back on and tell us more about yourself and we may be able to make some more suggestions! Above all don't lose confidence; I am sure it is nothing personal!
Hope this helps a little xxxx

You sound lovely, and I've no doubt that you'd fit in at the school where my ds goes. I love the fact that it's friendly, and non snobby - there are children from all backgrounds and that's great.

The woman you meet for coffee sounds odd tbh- the nicer thing to have done would be to invite others to join you for coffee, not exclude you. I can't understand that.

I really feel for you, it sounds really hard and not because you're doing anything wrong.

I think what I'd do is try and extend your friendship group outside school mums - join a book club or gym class - anything where you're likely to meet other people. It might take time but you will get there - have you looked for local MNers?? I'd be happy to meet up for coffee if you're anywhere near me!

cupoftea you sound lovely
your coffee 'friend' sounds frightful tbh
I found this v difficult at first, like you I've had 'stages of life' friends and then moved etc, keeping in touch with a couple of close ones
when ds started school I felt v out of place, I was the only lone parent of his year group and like you many parents are far better off than I
After about a year i made friends with someone quite unlike me in background. She has since emigrated! but have met another nice mum through my dd's preschool
I think the less you care what people think and fitting in the easier it is
As a 40 plus mum I would love to have friends in their twenties I might worry initially they would find me fuddy duddy and boring, possibly that this the 'i've got 10 years on you thing' - i'm a wrinkly old battle axe what could you see in me kinda thing?

It can be really hard integrating into a school community- I have done it now several times having moved locations during my DSs primary schooling. Are they mainly mums with older children? If that is the case it could be that they are already in groups, have been together a few years and haven't noticed you on the outside of things. That is tough.
I second the suggestion to join in with PTA activities. That has been my 'way in' in 2 primary schools and as soon as people realised that I got stuck in and helped, then realised I was a nice chatty person, they opened up and started inviting me to things.
Take your time though and be kind to yourself- you have lots of proof from the past of how you're a good friend and well liked, you just need a way in to get closer to these other mums.
Oh and BTW your friend who said she was widening out her group sounds unkind- unless she is welcoming you into her new gatherings- sounds like you can do better than her!