Oh help. In limbo. Planning to leave "partner", could do with support and hand-holding

[YesBut]

Been in this damn poxy relationship for nearly 18 years, finally got up the courage, but there are so many hurdles, and I hate the limbo. Just want to be gone and everything sorted

Right. You can do this. What do you need to do on a practical level? Do you need to leave or could he? Where will you go?

Well done for getting up the courage. Time to move on with your life.

limbo is frustrating, but things move when you take action.

Don't let the hurdles stop you. They are just 'the fear' giving you excuses.

Do you earn your own money? Have savings? Have dcs still at home? What's stopping you going?

What do you need sorting first of all? x

It has been a year since he agreed, reluctantly, to leave. But he isn't pro-active, so I have to be.

I have no savings, just work part-time, and have 4 dcs, aged 5-13.

Don't want to leave village but don't know how likely it is that I will find somewhere to rent here.

Have been gathering paperwork for council, for scheme where they pay 1st months rent plus deposit. They require me to see a solicitor but I don't quite understand why or what I am supposed to say.

Have no wise words other than by having made the decision, and a brave one at that, you are already over halfway there Yesbut.
Just a little further and one step at a time.

Right. You don't want to leave village. (and presumably, better for 4 x dc to stay put ?) He has agreed to leave. He needs massive kick up the arse to get moving.

He needs to be the one gathering paperwork for council etc, looking for a flat etc. Not you. If necessary (is he just lazy?) get all the forms, put them in front of him, fill them in for him if necessary.

You clearly need to get things moving, but I don't see why you should be the one to move out, when you are clearly unhappy about it, assuming the kids will be living with you?

Oh and AND I didn'twant to tell my ultra-neurotic mother what I was doing unbtil I had left but she bullied it out of me theother dayand I am so bloody bloody cross

AND I shouldbe giving up smoking because I have a horrible cough, and I am in recovery from eating disorders and have depression that won't quite leave me alone, and a nd and it's all just too much right now

Good point Innerstrength.

Why is it you having to move out with the kids?

I really don't want things to turn nasty. He shouts enough as it is. And I can't stand waiting for him to do stuff, because he doesn't. I just need out.

YesBut you obviously have a lot on your plate. He needs to get the hell out, so you are less burdened and can move on.

Also much much easier for ONE person to find somewhere appropriate to live than you PLUS four small people. Can you lay it on the line with him?

So what does he say if you were to ask him why he hasn't gone when he agreed to? What is stopping him?

Oh tell me about it!I know that story.

have you taken legal advice? Rung Womensaid?

Ok just a word of caution. I moved out and left my ex in the house - caused all sorts of problems later.

Go and see a solicitor.

What sort of problems GIn?

Oh, I am such a coward. Can't stand to talk to him about it because every time I get up the courage and say something, nothing comes of it.

He has no money. There is no spare money. Don't know if hewould getany help, whereas I would. And he says he doesn't want to live to live in a bedsit, like he did when he broke up with his ex.

I understand how frustrating that must be. But at the same time, assuming the children will be living most of the time with YOU, then HE should clearly be the one to leave. No friends he could stay with?

Sorry if I'm not being very helpful. I'm not sure what to suggest if he really won't budge. But it seems very very unfair for you and 4 kids to have to move when you are happy there and he is just a lazy fuckwit.

i have just manged to go through all this after 10 years of being married to a porn addict who has killed our marriage with his addiction,,,,,i rand the council ,they paid the 1st months rent and deposit and manged to find a fab flat for me and my 2 dds,it can be done ,,ive been though hell and back,,,,most of my stuff is in my flat and we move in friday,,,go for it,,,,,,i have finally managed to escape from a miserable marriage IT IS POSSIBLE,,,
Bieleve me its takes some guts to do it but i feel like the weight has been lifted from my shouldrs,
good luck x

Oh well done wornout.

He doesn't actually have friends really. And he is extremely unmotivated. Oh, I just don't know. In a way it would be good to have a fresh start, but I would miss the view and the neighbours and the apple trees
Really don't think I can leave village in any case though. The thought tears me apart.

Are you still cooking and cleaning for him? Washing his pants? He may well not be moving out because he doesn't want to give up the home comforts. You could explain to him that as you are no longer a couple you are no longer his domestic service mechanism, and in future he can get his own meals etc.

I agree with Innerstrength, that he needs to move - why uproot four kids and yourself? It could involve new schools for the kids, which will be unsettling, so you have a home, so stay there. He doesn't want to live in a bedsit, well then he'll have to find something else. He's digging his heels in because he's happy with the situation as it is - like SGB says, if you're still doing all the domestic stuff, he's sitting pretty. He needs a kick up the backside - so get the forms and stuff, and back off from doing stuff for him around the house. Make him realise that he's got to take responsibility for himself.

I do all the laundry but he hasn't eaten with us for several years, he said it gave him indigestion.
Really don't want to leave the village but a fresh start in a different house would be good if i can find something. Several practical problems with house here (loo doesn't flush, bathroom icy in winter, various bits falling apart) plusbedroom configuration isn't ideal.