4th breakdown

[ItsGrimUpNorth]

Dh has just told me my mil is having a bit of a breakdown and is on tranquilisers (sp?) due to panic attacks, fear of being left alone etc.

I called fil to chat about it and to see what we could do.

Apparently, it's thought to be a delayed grieving for her mother who died 18 months ago. He also blamed his daughter.

This is the 4th time she's had a breakdown that I know of and has needed medication each time.

The first was when my dh left home to go to university.

The second was when her daughter fell out with her - I believe this is because they don't get on at all, her daughter felt her mother had very high expectations of involvement with the gcs and her daughter refused to comply. None of my business that so I've not got more details on it but they're very similar people and they clash.

The third was when dh and I started having children and I told her to back off because she was being negative and overbearing about our parenting choices. Contact wasn't at all lessened as a result - it was more a firm, establishing of boundaries. I know she was very angry about that but I can't have other people trying to take over my family.

And now this breakdown due to the loss of her mother. Her mother was very old and it must have shaken mil to the core and she's only just dealing with it now.

What can we do to make things better? She's obviously miserable and unfulfilled. She's only 56, doesn't work, refuses to get any kind of activity apart from walking her dogs and aqua aerobics once a week, mooches around a big house all day. I know grief is different for everyone and takes different amount of time to process.

We live 200 miles apart and we see them every six weeks for a long weekend. I feel like if we saw them more often - which isn't really possible now as fil (63) works v. hard still as does dh and travelling at weekends is exhausting - she'd latch onto us as a sort of lifeline and still nothing would change in terms of her creating her own life for herself, giving herself a sense of purpose and fulfillment. She doesn't have to work financially and therefore doesn't see the need for it.

We'd be walking on eggshells in case she has another breakdown. It's like we're responsible for rescuing her and I don't think anyone can be responsible for someone like that. It's wouldn't be fair and it doesn't work imo. Obviously, we want to help and make things better.

Sil (her daughter) refuses to call her, has started sending her a couple of emails but still clearly doesn't want much contact.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what a 56 year old woman could do to make things better? I'm at a loss as to what to suggest.

you cant do anything . it is her problem. she is an adult. you are not responsible for her.

set your boundaries. decide what you can offer eg weekly chats / the visits .

you can suggest bereavement counselling but if she wont take it then not your problem.

clearly she needs some councselling/CBT type therpay but if she wont accept that then there is nothing you can do for her. so you have to continue to set your boundaries to make sure you dont get sucked in.

read depression fallout for ideas and to understand the impact on you....and on FIL ...suggest to FIL he seeks support for himself.
www.depressionfallout.com/

"you cant do anything . it is her problem. she is an adult. you are not responsible for her. "

totally agree.

If had had more going on in her own life she wouldn't react so badly to these normal life events.

Sounds like the problems your SiL had with her are the same as yours.

There's loads she could do to make things better for herself - like maybe have CBT but she has to want to.

She seems to break down when things happen which are beyond her control (that she'd like to control). It's sad for her and I don't know how she got that way. 56 isn't too old to start therapy.

She does need to broaden her horizons, and I don't know how you could possibly do that for her. You shouldn't need to worry about it massively, but obviously a large helping of patience & ear-lending won't go amiss. Is there anything she can join locally? Any places she's always hankered to visit? Old passions & interests, which she's let fall by the wayside? I'm her age and I think our generation had a LOT of creative pastimes in our misspent youth; there may well be a few things she used to love doing/making.

Dance classes are usually a bit of a laugh, and every town has art groups, etc. There are charities like Echo (only mentioning that one coz I do stuff with them) that are always looking for crafty people to help. The library is a good source of ideas.

Give her my reagrds, please - I've had a couple of breakdowns, too, and I know how shit it is to live in an exhausting, colourless world It does get better. The more efforts you make to appreciate the tiny pleasures of life (smell the flowers, literally!) the sooner the colour comes back.

She needs the support of mental health professionals. It is her responsibility to accept that support. There really is nothing you can do, other than encourage her to keep seeking treatment.

My mother suffered from depression on and off throughout my childhood and early adulthood. It is exhasting, and very difficult not to get sucked into the behaviour. If anything, you need to be supporting your FIL as this must be very hard on him.

I agree with the above. My DF suffers from depression (2 major episodes over the last 10 years, each relating to loss). In a way, it may be easier for you to remain less emotionally bruised because she is your MIL, not your mum - you clearly want to help but all you can do is not reject her, and support your FIL as much as you feel able. I have had to remove myself a bit from my own DF as becoming his confidante was becoming damaging to me.

And I hope I don't sound hard - I have had depression myself

Jamie, you don't sound harsh. I was actually worried about her leaning very heavily on us and us not being able to cope with it.

They didn't tell him about it for ages but they told his sister, the daughter they don't get on with. As soon as I heard that, I felt that they were looking to blame her and let her know what she's done to her mother.

Dh feels very responsible and wants her down here every other week. Even if I wanted her to, I still don't think that's the answer. It's really important she starts to take responsibility and find her own way. But then I thought with depression, how can one possibly do that? Especially when one is as helpless as mil who doesn't even pay bills herself. Sigh. It must be frightening.

Hmm - it's interesting that they seem to want to protect your DH, but blame their daughter. And here you are, another woman, feeling burdened to worry about it. So often the pattern ....

I think you can reasonably expected to call her (or rather, your DH to call), and send pictures and letters from the DCs, and the usual visits.

So much of it is to do with how much someone acknowledges the depression, and also acknowledges that they will have to have the responsibility to help themselves - whether that is pushing for the right medication, changing their lifestyle, or seeking therapy (or all three).

The difficulty with my dad is as I see it, that he has done loads to help himself in terms of activities (he's had CBT), but has reached a block relating to his relationship with my mum, and also (I suspect) to do with his childhood.

ItsGrace's ideas are really good too.