7 mths pregnant, partner cheating on me

[Yika]

Hi there, feel a bit numb, just learned that my partner has been cheating on me for months. We'd actually only been together for a few months when I got pregnant and we have been having an extremely rocky time of it - mainly because we haven't able to resolve the question of where to live to both our satisfaction, and consequently we haven't been living together but just going to and fro between each other's places in different towns (about an hour apart). I suddenly got suspicious because a couple of weeks ago he stopped wanting to see me so much (whereas I usually tend to feel under quite a lot of pressure from him; he is more emotionally needy than I am and hates to live alone). At first I enjoyed the new laid-back him - I thought it meant we'd surmounted our differences and were able to just enjoy each other's company again without the logistical stresses, but then suspicion grew and I asked him straight out if he had slept with someone. He wouldn't give me a straight answer at first, but finally he's confessed. He met her about 5 months ago, and I guess they've been sleeping together for at least 3. I feel particularly angry that he didn't even have safe sex, given that there's a baby - our baby - in the mix too. I can well understand that he's been frustrated and lonely in our relationship. But I just can't really get my head round the fact that he would go behind my back. I don't know what question I'm putting to you - I just wanted to get it off my chest - it's quarter to 3 in the morning, I've just found this out and I don't know who to talk to.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this extra stress. It's so, so crap that he couldn't have been open with you from the first, instead of going behind your back like this for all that time. I don't have any proper advice, just wanted to say vent away, it helps to write things down - gives things perspective imo.

You won't be the first or last person this has happened to- but that's cold comfort right now. What other support have you got in your life to go ahead with having your baby?

Hi Geocentric and PortiaNM. Thanks a lot, glad someone else out there is up late too My whole family are extremely supportive and I have very good networks here (I live abroad), also money, time off work etc. is no problem, so going it alone is doable, if depressing. I just don't know what I feel really. Foolish? Strange kind of relief to know the truth? A kind of blank where our future was supposed to be. Upset for the baby somehow more than anything, like he's cheated on HER.

So you're seven months pregnant and he met her five months ago? So it's really been for almost the entire pregnancy, that he's not really been committed to you.

So what changed two weeks ago?

Heard the advice here before, but just to parrot: GET AN STD TEST.
Apparently some diseases can be passed to your baby.

Tortoise - yes - he would say it is because I am not committed to HIM that he's been driven to it. I certainly accept my fair share of the blame for the state of our relationship but to me it doesn't justify lying or cheating. What changed? His behaviour towards me somehow changed, from being very pushy and demanding to backing right off. As I say I preferred the new him - I don't like being put under pressure - till my suspicions were aroused by the dramatic change in him!

AW: first thing that sprang to my mind, so yes I certainly will. It's what makes me the angriest of all - that he would put the baby at any kind of risk, however small.

Sounds like you're well rid to be honest - at least you and your baby won't have to endure a break-up brought on by his nutty behaviour later on.

So, Yika, he started cheating on you when you were two months pregnant, because you were insufficiently committed to him?

Gosh, I'd have thought that deciding to continue a pregnancy with someone is about as committed as you can get.

Does he, by any chance, mean you weren't committed because you refused to leave your friends and your home and move in with him?

What I meant by what changed is, if he's been sleeping with her for months and months, what changed two weeks ago that caused him to act differently? Did the relationship with the OW get more serious?

Hi Tortoise, yes, that's exactly what he meant! Don't you think it's a great reason? ...No, I didn't either... Though in all honesty it's not totally without foundation. It was me who was distant and uncertain at the time.

But anyway, I see what you mean, yes I didn't really answer the question. I don't know what changed in terms of his feelings, and I haven't asked if it got more serious with OW (I'm afraid to find out too much about it - NB he says he still loves me and still wants to be with me).

The change happened when we went away for a weekend, to see some old friends of mine in the UK, which started off great but then suddenly he became cold and withdrawn. He said it was because all the talk with my friends about the baby was bringing home to him how soon we would have the baby and it depressed him that we weren't living together. Then after we got back, he seemed to withdraw even further, not replying to texts or emails, though on the few occasions when we saw each other it was very nice (because somehow very relaxed) and I felt happier than I had for a long time (I feel more comfortable with plenty of space, whereas he needs lots of closeness and intensity).

You poor thing. What a nasty shock.

He sounds like a complete loser, I'm afraid. You haven't been together long and already he is cheating. You are pregnant and he is cheating. I mean, it's not good, is it?

have you decided what your next step will be?

Hm, yes it's not good is it. I know I'm quite difficult to live with but still... it seems very cowardly to resort to cheating.

I don't know what to do really. Just can't really think about it. Funnily enough I actually feel much calmer without him around stressing me out

If I weren't pregnant I would just forget about him. Well i don't think we would have stayed together this long anyway as it seems we have quite different emotional needs - even though there is a very strong mutual attraction and I also just liked him a lot (before).

Anyway step 1 is to see doc tomorrow anyway and get checked out for any possible STDs.

Can't bring myself to tell anyone about it yet though, which I suppose is a sign it's not really resolved in my mind. Thank God for the anonymity of MN!!

OK, stop trying to make a couple-relationship with this man just because you are pregnant by him. It's not going to work, because neither of you really wants it. There is nothing necessarily wrong with either of you that you are not compatible - it was probably a mistake to try enforcing couplehood on yourselves because of the pregnancy in the first place.

What you need to aim for now is a co-parent relationship, where both of you aim to be amicable and put your LO's interests first. Put some distance between you until the baby is born, build up other support networks for yourself. Keep him informed but don't let him come round and whine at you about 'our relationship' when he's bored or fancies a shag.

Hi, I could have written the first bit of your post - getting pregnant very early in a relationship, the arguments about where to live, his neediness and intensity in the relationship ...

we never got as far as him having an affair because he was SUCH a nightmare in terms of emotional abuse that we split up. But I would say that if it's already rocky, and if he's very needy, then you need to run a mile.

I'm now very happy with a beautiful DS, and although XP still causes issues (have got solicitor on the case), it's been very relaxed and fun living with just me and DS.

SO don't worry about doing it on your own, it's easier to make a break now, than to try and break further down the line.

Oh dear I know you're both right. If you're both utterly miserable the whole time, it's probably a sign of fundamental incompatibility Though for me it was actually getting progressively better and I thought it was all gong to work out fine in the end.

I just can't believe I'm going to end up having this baby on my own. I also fear he won't acknowledge paternity.

I feel depressed.

I saw my gynaecologist yesterday (routine visit) and told him about the situation and asked if I should get tested for STDs. He said not to worry about it as they are not very common - "Ca ne court pas dans les rues" - and also said I shouldn't let the relationship end over a little fling - a "petite aventure". It made me laugh somehow, these Latins are so cavalier about infidelity. I'm not particularly high-minded about it but to them it sometimes seems of no more consequence than whether to have cereal or toast.