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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex problems...

3 replies

Arno · 12/07/2010 21:09

Hello, I'm new here and was looking for some advice.

I have been seeing my girlfriend for around three months now and things are going very well. However, my GF's ex is an alcoholic with no job. He pays no maintenance toward GF's little girl and also pays no money toward to the mortgage.

He insists that the house is his despite it having both his and the GF's name on the mortgage and regularly kicks up a fuss about me being in the house. Generally I spend about three nights a week at the house.

Their divorce has not gone through and proceedings cannot start for a month or two.

He is occasionally polite and reasonable but often requests to see the little girl on very short notice via email which is not always practical as other arrangments have been made and when he is told he cannot see her on such late notice his demenour changes completely and he goes off on stroppy, semi adolescent rants and threatens to have some kind of legal action taken out against me and that he'll essentially have pop at me if he sees me at the house again.

Now I'm not really taking these threats too seriously but obviously it's not particularly enjoyable and it is upsetting to my GF and myself. He has a new girlfriend and invariably spends time with her and her two children when he has hs daughter.

I understan the he must find it difficult to see his little girl developing a friendship/relationship with his Ex's new partner but he deals with it so badly that I've got now idea how to open some kind of dialogue and assuage some of his fears. Perhaps it might be best not to.

Generally speaking he is just a massive pain in the arse and we were just wondering what options we have to deal with him and his unstable behaviour which has on more than one occasion upset his daughter to the point of making her cry.

Sorry for this long jumbled rant of a post and thanks for any responses.

OP posts:
Schnullerbacke · 12/07/2010 21:29

Hi Arno,

for now all you can do is talk to him I guess. Perhaps you could arrange a meeting with him (with GF but not daughter present) and explain to him that you have no intentions of taking his child away, that you are not out to make things difficult for him but as you said, that sometimes you just cannot accommodate him at short notice.

Maybe try not talking to him when he is all steamed up and bothered, perhaps arrange to meet him somewhere. Some people are also very crap about listening, so drop him a line. Leave all the bits about mortgage etc out of it, just mention the visiting hours. Be careful what you write so he cannot hold it against you.

It could be that he is just worried about losing his daughter?

Don't get into any arguments, just keep it to the point.

Good luck.

Arno · 13/07/2010 09:44

Thanks Schnullerbacke, I would love to do this but I'm not sure if it would work. He's an alcoholic and he still drinks. If he's been on the sauce then I don't know how receptive he'll be.

Perhaps it would be better to try and conduct all communication and visitation with a third party.

OP posts:
Arno · 13/07/2010 13:47

Sorry for the shameless bump but is there any further advice out there?

OP posts:
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