Please can you reassure me that I'm doing the right thing

[PixieFrog]

This was me with another name obviously

I have left P and now have him, his friends and family going on at me to try again. I really just can't do it, I don't want my children to experience this again,it's not normal is it. We fight like this very occasionly but surely once is too much?
I feel guilty because ex partner is now posting on facebook engmatic statuses about his life being ruined etc etc looking for sympathy and then telling everyone he just wants to be alone. I have blocked him now.
I feel guilty, for him ,and for reducing the amount of time the children spend with their dad but don't feel as if I can try anymore at the moment.
Please can I have some reassurance that I'm not being cruel and unreasonable.Although if you have adifferent opinion I would appreciate it also! sorry for being so needy at the moment but I don't have any RL friends who I can confide in at the moment

It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. Has anything changed? Is there any reason to believe, or even hope, that if you tried again, it would be any different?

I have left before and when I go back things are different for a little while, then its back to the same old stuff.
I wish we could end this amicably but it just seems impossible. i'm obviously not blameless but I think this has to stop but i'm so much mroe relaxed away from him and he's so unhappy I just feel horrible

Hi PF, I've never posted on this board before, but have just briefly read your original post and can give you some perspective from nearly 10 years down the road now, having left a mentally and physically xh.

Do not go back!! Nothing will change!! Despite what they say/promise, they always revert back to type.......... I split up with xh 4 times and always took him back, only for it all to start again.

Has he been for counselling? Seen a psychiatrist?? I doubt it, and even if he is, it's far too soon for it to have had much effect.

Stick to your guns, for the sake of you and your children.

Thanks to you both,
A while ago, after I had tried leaving, I asked if we could go to Relate and try and work through our differences and he refused as apparantley 'he knew exactly what the problem was' which was that I needed to 'sort myself out'
I just don't want to find myself middle aged and still going through the same carp

Changing for a bit isn't the same thing as actually changing.

If he had sought help for his drinking or his temper, it would (maybe) be a different story, but as it is ...

NO!! DO NOT GO BACK!

Ignore him and his public self pity and ignore his family who probably have no idea what he was like.

He will not change without serious, hard, long term work to address his drinking problem, his immaturity and all his other issues and problems. There is no way in hell this is ever going to happen as he doesn't recognise that the problem lies with him. Therefore things can never be different or better. He is stuck in a pattern of behaviour that he doesn't want to get out of.

The only bad thing you can do here is to go back, then leave again in a few years or months when he does something else appalling, and keep putting your kids through the upheaval and instability.

You have done the right thing, you have left, now you must build on that and move forwards to build a happy life for you and your kids. You have quite rightly put your children first in gettign them away from him and now you must not let others lead you away from that path.

be strong. The hardest part is behind you.

Pixiefrog

Firslty, well done for leaving. P is not going to change. Sure, he may for a few weeks and then because you have let him behave this way previously, he will go back to what he believes to be 'normal' behaviour.

You previously posted - 'the arguments always end up the same way, this isn't what i want the children to end up thinking is normal,even if it is only occasionally'

Bingo. P thinks that this is normal and worse, acceptable. You don't which is why you have left.

How have you left things with him? Have you arranged any times for him to see the DCs?

Are you in the famliy home or is he?

Is there anyone in Rl life that you can contact for some support?

Stay strong. Do not give in to emotional blackmailing from his friends and family.

If yo ugo back

Sorry - typing whilst thinking issues

Ignore that last line.

I have left and am living with my parents who are great but will only tell me to do what I feel is right so I really needed to see it from someone elses perspective as I have no idea.I need someone to say to me 'you are definately doing the right thing'!
I have 2 children, both will be staying with me for most of the time although he wants equal shared custody. Neither of us drive and I am now living an hour and a halfs travel time away from him on public transport. 45 minutes if driving.
I have said to him that in exchange for him 'allowing' me to send them to school here where I am, I will pick them up from his and drop them at school in the week if thats what he wants as I am hoping to pass my driving test over this next 6 weeks school holiday.
This morning we had what I thought was a civilised conversation, with me saying that I couldn't live with him anymore and that he shouldn't be getting his hopes up for a reconcilliation.
He did the facebook thing after that.
My daughter is currently with him as she goes to school in the mornings (she is 4) and he felt it was important for her to finish the term. I wanted to be reasonable so agreed to it. My son is 1 and with me at the moment.

Be very careful - if he has her living with him he doesn't have to give her back to you, I don't think. Will he hand her over when its holidays?

Also - your parents are right - you have to do what you think is the right thng. You must have more confidence in your own judgement from now on.

Pixiefrog

YOU ARE DEFINATELY DOING THE RIGHT THING BY LEAVING HIM!!!

You are not, however, doing the right thing by letting him have so much access to the DCs.

Look at your first post again. On the previous thread.

If what you have written is the norm to him than it he has to learn to control his temper. Provoked by drink or not.

I'm not saying that he is going to hit the DCs, I'm saying that it is very hard being a single parent.

He sounds like he has a short fuse. He has to earn your trust with that surely?

What if he snaps at one of them? I know you may think I'm being dramic but I'm only going off your post.

What if he kicks more than a door?

Please think about that.

Can you be sure that he won't drink excessivley when they are with him?

There are more things to consider here.

What Facebook thing? Did I miss that?

Beware of "equal shared custody". In some circumstances it ends up with one partner doing all the running around and a great deal more than half the childcare, while the other one basically gets out of paying maintenance. Not saying that will inevitably happen in your case but... if he were that responsible you wouldn't have left, would you? Would he stop drinking long enough to be a reliable single parent? These are things you'd need to weigh up and keep a stern eye on.