I need perspective

[newnamethistime]

I'm so confused. I have no idea whether I am making things worse or helping. re. H and I, and our family.
H has anger issues, and has been verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive (mild). I have depression (perhaps bipolar).
We have both been in therapy separately now since october last. Things have improved since our crisis last summer, but they are not perfect. H has a tendency to get frustrated with dc and shout (roar) at them, blames our eldest child for causing problems (eldest has some issues with anger). He also mopes about generally behaving as though his life is so tough (hates his job, hates cleaning up after children, hates not having free time, hates me nagging). I suspect he is depressed.
Recently things went downwards, really shouting at dc ('but I've tried, nothing else works, he needs a slap' etc) I wasn't taking my medication properly and ended up feeling suicidal etc. We spoke and he agreed that he couldn't behave like this. A couple of days later he is roaring at eldest dc, poking him, leaving a scratch/bruise across his chest. We spoke again, he said he was ashamed, had spent an hour crying in the car etc. The very next morning he is roaring shut up over an over at middle dc because of early waking (6am) and general noise making. I feel there is no option but to separate for a while at least because he doesn't seem to get it. On top of everything I feel awful for letting my dc live like this. We talk again.
I speak to my therapist about it (as usual), she thinks I am being pessimistic about him not being able to change. She is now away for a month and I feel very alone. During my rant with her I said I was going to write everything down because I needed to see things in black and white. H can do the 'perfect dad' act in between the bad parts. She suggested H and I do this together.
I'm still angry with H, and confused about what to do. H in the meanwhile is taking notes of who gets up with dc in the mornings over the weekend (he was feeling resentful at having to get up as I had an ear infection). He gets angry because I don't want to have sex. Says he will have to start looking elsewhere. I just don't feel in the mood for sex when I am in a complete muddle. He sees it as though he is being constantly rejected, he feels unattractive etc. He's now not speaking to me.
I don't know how I am going to get through the next 4 weeks without therapist to run things by. I feel as though I am unable to think clearly. I am completely unsure how much I am contributing to the overall mess that is our lives.
I'm hoping that by taking my medication properly for the next few weeks and writing things down I will be able to get a clearer perspective. I am scared though that this is just another avoidance tactic of mine.

Your therapist sounds fucking AWFUL IMHO, and should be advising you to get out of this abusive relationship NOW. If not for yourself then for your poor, poor children.

Why are you still with him?. What are you getting out of this relationship?. Your own depression issues could well be due solely to him and his behaviour towards you.

I would also find another therapist to work with as this one you have is a waste of space.

You and your H should not be together and you would be better off apart. Your children are suffering here because of their Dad. No wonder your eldest has an anger issue; he is learning all that from his angry dad. Both of you are teaching these children damaging lessons on relationships and it is not fair.

I'm with Shirley on this tbh. You could do with a therapist who is grounded somewhere near Planet Earth, instead of Planet Fuzzy. She may be right that H is capable of change, but he has to want to change and actually do something about it. Is he taking medication too or are you the only one trying to make herself better? Saying he knows it's wrong but then doing it again is not doing something about it. He's bruised your child. This can't go on.

I think I am still with him because of my own separation anxiety issues. I feel I have made progress with this therapist as she helped me identify this. I realise that I have a huge tolerance for dreadful behaviour (bullying in school and later in the workplace, long sexless relationship with a different man etc).
I have MH issues, I am sure that these also contribute to my eldest's anger issues. This is a big part of why I am scared to leave. I worry that I would not cope by myself, that I am intrinsically not a good mother, that I am kidding myself that I would cope better without him.
My therapist asks if there have been improvements since H started his own therapy. There have been, but I need more changes, and quickly.
Because I am so up and down, I cannot judge whether it is my behaviour that triggers H.

newname

You still need another therapist. This one is too wishy washy.

Was your own childhood a happy one?. From the little you write its been a long history of bullying and misery and you're now with a bullying husband. You do not of course have to answer that but history has a nasty habit of repeating itself.

Your own issues with separation anxiety and depression are no actual justification to stay with this man or within this relationship. You are all being damaged here by this man. Your children are suffering at the hands of this man, he is the main cause of your eldest child's anger issues. Your children won't thank you for staying with such an individual in the long term, they could likely accuse you of putting him before them.

newname

I also think you could well do with talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. All calls are confidential.

Atilla - I always thought I had a fairly happy childhood, though now realise parents fall into excentric category and were fairly 'detached'. This combined with early years in daycare in RC institution, my mother taking out her anger ( her marital problems) on me as a teen has probably lead me to where I am today. My H has fallen into the 'rescuer' role twice now in my life (depression related). Somehow, when I was feeling very low being with him seemed like an excape from everything.
I now realise that not all of his behaviour is my fault, though still feel I contribute. I have spoken to my brother about it. He feels I should leave. Told my therapist this and she pointed out that this brother doesn't know how to deal with anger (I've never ever seen him angry) and has himself massive anxiety issues too (social phobia).
I think my therapist wants me to be sure of what I'm doing before I make a big move. I can never tell when I am right or wrong, when H is right or wrong (except in obvious situations as above). The pattern is there though, big row, me being strong and telling him I won't put up with it, then over time I get fed up monitoring his behaviour and things seem to slip. Often this co-incides with me going downhill. I can't seem to identify which comes first.
He will blame me for not being affectionate enough, not supportive enough etc. I know I am not affectionate or supportive, so I am therefore partially to blame. He feels unloved and thus is unable to cope with stresses of normal life.
I am acutely aware that dc's behaviour is related to how myself and H interact and how H deals with the dc. I also have to take responsibility for how I behave too, which is not always good either. I have realised though that when H gets angry with dc, that I start getting tense, not wanting them to anger H further, and I too can end up not dealing with things well.
It is this that I want to keep an eye on. It is very easy to say that everything is H's fault, but I wonder if I am not just using him as an excuse for my own horribleness.
I have spoken to brother and therapist about this. Brother I feel is sensible and says that the dynamic between H and I is obviously wrong and that separation is needed. Therapist talks about upheaval for children with separation.

Atilla - I haven't called them as I feel my problems with H are so minor compared to what I think would warrant their help.
I realise though that I do need clearer perspective, so perhaps the time has come to ask them what they think.

Oh newname! YOur H is a fucking predator who picked you because of your past problems - what he wants is someone to bully and abuse to make himself feel better. You will only recover when you are away from him. Women's aid will help you in getting him out of your lives.

Thanks SGB, feeling a bit teary, I am, I think, slowly getting to the stage of accepting that things can only truely improve if we are apart. The problem is getting myself to believe this for long enough to do something about it. There are nice moments in all of this, and that's what makes it so hard.

Oh lets see-upheaval for children?

Or getting them away from an abusive father?

And I would think your son´s anger issues are learned from his father.

Any "nice" moments in all this are short lived. He has promised to change and all that has come to nothing. It will be always thus.

Please call WA - your problems are not at all minor, you certainly do warrant their help.

"Therapist talks about upheaval for children with separation".

.

Would second what SGB said in its entireity.
Your son's anger issues are indeed learnt from his Dad (his own Dad likely learnt the same from his own Dad).

There are good counsellors and there are poor ones. This one you've seen is a poor counsellor.

I think that these children living like they are currently are experiencing far more turmoil. Separation is what they are wanting here!. Enabling your H as well has only given you a false sense of control; its done you no good at all. You and your H would be far better off apart and you would be free of a dominant abuser who thinks nothing of turning his anger on you and his children. Separation from him is certainly desireable before any more damage is done.

newname

'Because I am so up and down, I cannot judge whether it is my behaviour that triggers H.'

And that is exactly what he is counting on. Someone to blame for his behaviour.

I'll keep this brief as we are here for you, not me.

My XP was a 'preditor'. He 'chose' me because he knew I had been in a previous relationship with a man who cheated numerous times and who I had gotten pg by.

I was a single mum with young DD. He asked me out, I said no. He bought me flowers, came to see me at work, (retail), sent wonderfully flattering notes and cards, asked my friends to put a good word in etc.

I eventually said yes. It was wonderful at the start.

2.5 years later I was leaving him with only 3 bags of clothes for me and DD, nothing more, to go to a hostel for battered woman.

He cocooned me in his world. I had no independance, no control on my life, no money of my own - he said I had no need to work - no self respect.

He hit me, cheated on me, and tore my world apart. My poor family hated him so stayed away from me.

He controlled me. I just couldn't see it.

No more flowers, cards etc and pretty soon, the good times disappeared and the bad times became the norm. His temper got worse and worse and the violence did too.

He blamed me. He said it was my fault for being rubbish in a relationship and no wonder my ex had cheated. He said I made him cheat because I didn't have sex how he liked it or do it enough.

Do not get your self and your children into a similar position.

Leave whilst you can. You owe this to yourself and your children. Do not let him project his own personal anger issues onto you.

You do not 'make' him do anything.

And get a different therapist.

Read your 1st post as if your best friend had written it. What would you tell her to do?

Good idea clarabella.