my nosey mother.

[andnowthewait]

i need tips on how to tell my mother to butt out.
Im a grown up. Im 32 fgs. Yet she seems to need to know exacally where i am at all times. This seems to be worse when my child is with her dad. eg: she tells me ill call you later, i say no dont ( because if i dont tell her that, she will call landline/mobile constantly before racing round thinking something has happened)
So, ill say, no, dont call im going out. To which i get: who with/where/what time/what are you wearing.
Just out i say.
she gets huffy that ive not told her.

It is doing my head in.

I asked her to babysit this friday as i was going round a friends. She did and had my child overnight at hers as its easier for her as she likes to go to bed at about 9.30pm.
But since i picked her up ive been constantly harrassed about where i was and what i was doing.

My sister even called as mother had called her and asked her if she knew what i was doing.

It does my head in.

Well unless there's a lot more background to this than you've let on, I have to say I don't understand the problem?

Your mum helps you out (babysitting) cares about your whereabouts and is interested enough to want to know you're ok........ermmmmm.......am I missing something? If you feel she overdoes the worrying does she have any reason to worry about you quite so much maybe?

its the constant where are you. who are you with, how long will you be there, will you go somewhere else. Everytime when im not at home.
Its actually the 2nd time she has babysat in the last 7 months, so she doesnt babysit often and its the whole time, not just if shes is happening to babysit.

Its not enough for me to say, im going out with so and so, ill be in later. She goes on and on, saying she doesnt belive thats what im doing, etc.
or if she calls and calls and eventually i pick up ( beacuse im busy) i then get interrogated as to where i am, and why i havent told her and who im with.

Its infuriating.

Well if she´s babysitting I can understand her wanting to know.

But what you´re wearing?

Is she is lonely & has no interests of her own?

I suppose you just have to keep telling her as little as possible.

Perhaps from her POV, the fact that she looks after your child makes her feel you need her & are therefore a "child" in that respect & that she still has a right to know everything iyswim.

Sounds excessive tbh.

Do you have an answerphone & caller ID?-so that you can answer only if you have to?

And find another babysitter?

she has only babysat twice in the last 7 months.
iget interrogated very other weekend.

If i dont pick up the phone, she rings the mobile/landline alternativley until i do.

ive tried not picking up, and she races round.

if i pick up and say im busy and will call her back, she wants to know what im doing. I had a very embarassing situation almost a year ago now when i had just started seeing someone. she was calling and calling so in the end i had to pick up.
I tried telling her i was busy and she wouldnt let it go, so i said, i repeated i was busy, would call her back when i could and hung up.

She called again 20 mins later ' are you still busy now'

i said yes, and i cant talk. she asks why. I tell her i cant and i will call her back.

20 mins later she calls again. I get cross tell her i cant talk and will call her later, why she askes. because ive got someone here.

oh says she. then promtly calls sister to see if she knows. sister then calls me to find out.

I never see the poor man again.

For example this weekend she had my child. I said i was going out to pub with a friend. Which i was. Which friend, who, do i know them.
the next morning she calls to see what time i got in, what i drunk and to find out who i was with, a friend says i.

Child comes home, informs me they went to bed very very late. I asked mum what time they went to bed and she tells me she wont tell me until i tell her what friend i was with.

more than excessive.

My guess is she has always been controlling.
She has no justification or excuses whatsoever to treat you like this. All you can do is change how you react to her; you need to also stop seeking her approval.

Would screen your calls and find another sitter.

You may want to read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

shes only babysat twice in the last 7 months. i usually go out when my child is with the father.

however, i still get the same interogation then, its not just when she babysits.

ive tried being firm. giving her no details. ive tried being open and honest and telling her everything.

nothing seems to make a difference, and the witholding of information about my child until i tell her is out of order.

It sounds to me like a combination of being controlling and having some kind of anxiety disorder. Has anything ever happened to you that might explain the excessive worrying?

Putting her off when she calls obviously isn't working, so perhaps a sit-down chat with your mother to establish some boundaries would (though I expect she wouldn't take it well). IN the end, her worrying is her problem and she has to deal with it, not expect you to pander to it.

Plus I think you could tell your sister to stay out of it and stop enabling your mother: if sister gets a call she should just be non-committal.

Agree with Eldridge. This is completely excessive and you need to redraw the boundaries. Start by switching off your 'phone or putting it on silent and then return her calls on your terms. And yes, your sister needs ot butt out (if she isn't doing so already).

Sister always acts vague as will not be drawn into it. She just calls me to prewarm me what mum is doing and that she will either be knocking on the door, or driving past my house shortly. ( beacuse mum has done that, then i get asked who was at yours with a such and such car)

Ive tried sitting her down and explaining, ive tried being firm. ive tried shouting, which resulted in a blazing row for which she didnt talk to me for 2 weeks after.

Ive tried telling her about the phone thing.

nothing changes, she will not accept boundaries at all and its exhasting constantly trying to enforce them.

I should also say its not like im constantly out and about or having people over. its literally maybe one night every other weekend.

But then if i have a friend over in the evening i also get the third degree. I have to tell her i cant take her calls ( so she doesnt do the constant calling/racing round thing) but by telling her i have to tell her why. then that leads to interogation.

me calling her earlier does not help. LAst week i called her at 7.45pm. She was watching eastenders, she said she would call me back. I told her no, not to worry and i would speak to her tomorrow. ( friend was coming at 8) What happened, she called at 8.15. I had to tell her i was in the bath and then having an early night. while drunk friend with wine was stiffling giggles. its silly having to lie and makes me feel like a teenager trying to get away with things. except im a grown up in my 30's.

That sounds a bit more than nosiness. One can understand how a mother finds it hard to let go - we don't stop worrying about our children just because they've grown up! But this is excessively intrusive, and worse that she thinks you're lying (has she always disbelieved you? Did you tell fibs as a small child and she's not noticed you grew out of it?). That is really insulting actually. Personally I'd call her on it - well, easy to say that, I didn't have that sort of mother, but I did get firm with a drunken aunt once who refused to believe I had no-one in my room! The thing is, it was none of her business whether I did or not. As long as whatever you're doing has no impact on DD it should not matter what you're getting up to or with whom, or even whether you are telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She is your mother; in the normal course of things you owe her some respect and courtesy, so far so good. But you don't owe her every minute of your life forever after. What does she think you are, anyway? A gangster's moll, a prostitute, a drug dealer? What would she do with the information? (Would love to tell her that you are doing one of those things and listen to the screams, but it might be unwise...)

It's a shame if you have to lose a good babysitter, and she loses grandchild bonding time. I don't know whether it would be a good idea, or a terrible one, to put it to her in those terms: that you will have to find someone else to look after DD because you can't face the third degree every time you go out. Maybe, just maybe, she would re-examine her behaviour. More likely she'd just cry a lot though, and wonder where she went wrong in raising a secretive, ungrateful daughter

She sounds very like my mother, she doesn't do this to us but to my father. She definitely has some sort of undiagnosed anxiety disorder and has OCD also. Although when I was in labour in my last pregnancy my mum kept ringing me for updates as to what was going on. I wouldn't answer as I was being induced and was in agony and being sick every 5 minutes. So she rang my sister to get her to ring me and when I told her to leave me the hell alone my mother proceeded to repeatedly ring the delivery ward and demand to know from them what was going on.

Does she treat your sister the same way?

It sounds very much like she doesn't trust you to look after yourself or to make sensible choices- was there any drama around the breakup of your relationship with your child's father? As in was he a wrong 'un or something like that?

OK, so you've tried the talking. Do you think it would help if you and your sister spoke to her together? Does she do the same to your sister, in fact? If not, that might give you a clue as to why she does it to you-what are the differences between you?

I think only a very very persistent and consistent reaction will help re-set her behaviour. I'm thinking of simply refusing to tell her what she wants to know or just answering 'Why do you ask?'. Would you consider stopping contact with her for a while? You could then reintroduce it slowly, on your terms, e.g. she could only call you at specified times. It may sound extreme, but so is your situation at the moment.

I'd have moved away by now, so I admire your resilience.

Moving away would certainly be my solution.

You could threaten it, at least.

I think you have to agree to a day/time to call each other.

Tell her if she calls at other times you will either not answer or will put the phone down on her.

She does not do the same to my sister. Sister will not engage her at all. Mum is constantly huffy about it, that shes not part of the family, etc. But i can see why sister is like it. beacuse you just cant win.

Brother, who lives at home. She tries it with him, but he tells her its noone of her business. Which she takes from him, but will not take from me, even though i have tried the same tactics as him.

I dont know if its beacause im a girl. We went out for a pub lunch a few weeks ago, and she wanted her husband to walk her to the toilets, because it was across the bar, and someone might do something .

I went out a few weeks ago, and she told me i shouldnt go there as it was known for being ' overun with immigrants'. Which it isnt.
Ive a friend, who is both a lesbian, and in the past has had mental health issues. Mother tried to bar me from seeing her, in case she either jumped me, or attacked me

the phone call thing... yeah, i get about 3 calls a day from her. And i work.

telling her no, just does not work. Ignoring her behaviour just causes it to escelate it to stranger behaviour and shouting just causes ww3.

yep, she's sounds like she has a few MH issues. I do understand what you are up against but when people behave like this they can only carry on doing it if you let them. Your siblings have found a way to deflect her and that leaves you as the remaining focus for all her anxieties.

I understand about the shouting and other escalatory weirdness but you either have to find a way to stop her or accept it continuing and getting worse.

the thing to remember is, when people behave like this it can actually affect the mental health of those around them through stress etc. So really, you have to put a stop to it.

Thing is, it's not really about practical advice, and there's no set approach or 'knack' we can tell you that will magically work. It's about emotions and boundaries, which are so much more difficult.

You have to make changes and it will take time. And you have to be prepared to weather world war three and lose the babysitting (in fact, I would stop that anyway because your DD doesn't need to be around this level of anxiety disorder). Your mother knows you won't, at the moment, so she's got no incentive to change.

You need to do whatever your brother and sister do, and mean it. Perhaps the difference with them is that your mother grasps they really won't put up with it, however upset she gets.

It does sound like your mum has some sort of anxiety disorder. You seem to be the focus of it. She is anxious about what you are doing and if something will happen to you. By engaging this excessive intrusion and providing her with a details you are giving her reassurance which temporarily relieves the anxiety but also reinforces the idea that in order to cope with the anxiety she needs to control you further. This will keep getting worse.
You need to tell her you are not going to reassure and enable her any further - this will cause conflict as once you withdraw the reassuring behaviour her anxiety will increase dramatically but it is the only way. In order for her to overcome her feelings she needs to confront them.

yes, the difference is that she has learnt that you will, however grudgingly, accept it while your siblings won't. Unfortunately this makes it all the worse for you.

But when people try to control your life you really shouldn't ask them for favours or help. It's not worth it.

Perhaps try telling her outrageous stuff and then hang up?

Mine does this. I feel for you! My mum has ... unusual social skills and, for the longest time, I thought she was just being clumsy about showing maternal interest. But no: I had to live with her recently [argh] and that's when I realised she actually has no idea of me as a separate individual - same with my sister. It's very weird! In her mind, our lives somehow belong to her, hence why she needs all these stupid details.

Anyhow. I'm adopting a multi-pronged approach, which seems to be helping a bit. In conversation I am VERY bland. I don't give her any of the feedback or encouragement she wants. When she asks me about my stuff, I give her the bare facts and reply to further questions with "Why do you need to know that?" I change the subject.

I've told her she must phone before visiting (she now rings 15 mins before arriving, but it's a start!) and I only take 1 call from her a day. When she does that serial-calls-on-both-phones thing, I pick up the second call and say immediatel, "Can't talk now, Mum, I'll ring you tomorrow."

I can't say I've found a magic solution but wanted you to know you're not alone! Welcome to the weird world of the narcissistic mother

I'd say anxiety disorder too.

Does she ever say anything about what she worries may have happened if she can't get hold of you? It can't be nice for her to live in a state of perpetual fear all the time, have you tried suggesting she makes an appointment to discuss it with her GP? She could probably benefit from some CBT or something.

The thing is, unless you give her a reason to change, she won't. You are going to have to be incredibly assertive with her. If she can handle directness tell her that you will ne longer be taking calls every day from her, you will not answer the phone or open the door unless a previously arranged visit. Do not be made to feel guilty or responsible, you did not ask for this behaviour and you do not have to put up with it.

Anxiety disorder?

How so?

She doesn´t worry about OPs sister does she, just moans about not being part of the family-ie she doesn´t get told everything that´s going on.

OP you need to set boundaries & stick to them.