How do I tell dh I have never had an orgasm with him?

[howdoitellhim]

We've been together since I was 19 and I'm 34 now. We have 2 children. We have a lot of problems and issues around sex that we are trying to sort out (basically we've not had regular sex for years, bar the times we did it for me to get pg). He is the only man I have had sex with, he's a had a few other partners. We both want to sort out this problem but I feel like it can't be done unless he knows that I've never had an orgasm with him. I faked it for the first few years we were having sex and then our sex life fizzled out anyway . I know I should never have faked it in th first place but I was young and inexperienced and also inhibited. We are talking about it all at the moment and both want to make a concerted effort to get back on track. Can anyone give me some advice?

Yes, I can have orgasms very very easily and quickly through masturbation.

Then touch yourself during sex. Simple, easy solution.

And it will very probably turn your DH on

I rarely recommend a sex therapist but you two sound like the prefect subjects! Once your self-consciousness has taken hold, and his sexual confidence is low, your habitual mindsets can really get in the way of free expression - though it sounds like you did pretty well last time round (what went wrong after that?)

It might sound strange that involving a stranger can help - but they are therapists. Just like psychotherapy, the fact of their objectivity can help you to work past your inhibitions.

No, I don't think you should tell him, at least not straight out. You could 'discover' your orgasm, either with him or by yourself (OK, then, by yourself), then tell him you've realised your potential is so much greater than you thought

Itsgraceactually, I have thought about sex therapy in the past, but dh would run for the hills. What went wrong last time? I got pregnant (which was what we were aiming for) and then the portcullis was down so to speak!! I have very poor self-esteem and bad body image, that alone inhibits me hugely. DH also made some very immature and hurtful comments years and years ago that I have (stupidly) never fogotten or forgiven.

What did he say to you

I would second CoteD'Azurs suggestion of manual stimulation for you during sex BUT you need to be cnfident and secure in your sexual relationship with him, and I don't think you are.

I've never had an orgasm through penetration alone. I seriously doubt that it's physically possible for me to do so - probably something to do with angle/distance of clitoris from vagina or similar. I once had what felt like a possible build up when dh & I tried an extremely improbable position..but it was far too uncomfortable to be worth trying again

Anyway, I do orgasm pretty much every time through oral & dh touching me so it's not a problem to us. I don't know if your dh/you don't like oral - I'd find it very difficult to be with someone who didn't, but I know some people don't like it.

Another thing we sometimes use is a small vibrator - a £4.99 from Lovehoney job - which dh uses on me, or I use myself during penetration. Feels great and does the job.

There are lots of things you can do to introduce other ways of you receiving pleasure without telling your dh that you've been lying about orgasm (I wouldn't tell him, I really, really wouldn't). I know it's embarrassing but if you think he might have fantasies about being dominated I can guarantee he'll love it if you make any suggestions/make the first move/show him what to do.

What about tying him up and making him watch you masturbate before he can touch you? Or sitting on his face while he's tied up? Maybe a little advanced if you're nervous about being forward...but something to think about. Maybe start with sensual massage and say you've got to come first and he can't go inside you until you do...

And I know you said you didn't like the idea of dressing up, but I do find that all the cliches - sexy black undies or long satin black gloves and heels - makes me feel ridiculously more sexy and confident...and I'm really not that sort of girl

I am still incredulous that women fake orgasms. Fuck that.

Lubrication is key-make it a joke if you like; durex play cherry is tasty slightly tingly and readily available.
Also make sure you aren't trying too hard to orgasm it makes things worse IME.
Please don't tell him, it won't help.
Concentrate on pleasing each other rather than orgasm.
HTH

I really don't think this is about sex at all. I think it's about communication and the state of your relationship. You say you're talking about it all now, but have you discussed your poor body image, your lingering hurt about the comments he made all that time ago - and has he talked about how he feels?

I suspect you need to restore intimacy as a couple first - opening your hearts to one another and trusting eachother to show your vulnerability. If you haven't been having sex for years, I'd bet it has had a major effect on how you interact with one another on a daily basis.

So I'd start with this and see where it leads you. Get talking too about the qualities you appreciate in each other (both of you compile a list) and why you love eachother. Once you both start to share very positive thoughts, you will feel in a kinder place. Start also completing small gestures of appreciation for one another - and get used to eachother's bodies again, by having a bath together, or a shower.

Get into the habit of turning off the TV, PC and phones when the DCs are in bed and spend a couple of hours just talking.

I think it's probably a bit ambitious to go from such a low point to a high in one fell swoop and I think the sex and orgasms are just a symptom of a bigger issue.

this book is very good but I haven't had time to follow the "programme" yet.

Could be a starting point?

no don't - I never did with XH have an orgasm through penetration, and when I did thought stimulation I used to laugh at him - not good i'm sure.

anyhow with new partners I learnt quickly how to orgasm with penetration, I personally wouldn't tell him, i'd try different positions to see if that helped - and he'll probably enjoy the changes - for example, doggy tbh doesn't do much for me, but when he sits up in the chair and I straddle him it hits all the right spots, plus he can hold my boobs (concious they're huge and basically bopping everywhere) failing that, and it's a sneaky little one every time it happens is the missionary one, but I have one of my legs (usually the right) on the inside of his and the other on the outside, then with v v gentle thrusting it hits the spot again - (along with some boo stimulation) prob not describing it well, but perhaps working on your own confidence, his confidence and different positions. etc.

THanks for all the further responses. Whenwillifeelnormal you have completely and utterly hit the nail on the head! The lack of sex is just a symptom really. We have talked about the issues you mentioned, I have told dh about how hurt was by his comments, but I think in that instance I just have to get over it - it was years ago, he was a young inexperienced man who'd never had a 'proper' relationship and said some stupid things to me (I already had low self esteem at that time) and I just haven't been able to get over them properly purely because they fed into my own poor self image. I think I need to work on my own self esteem, which is something I've needed to do for years anyway. I think we'll be a while off bonking like rabbits but I do feel hopeful - I do love him.

Gay40, not particularily helpful comment tbh, the reasons that a woman might fake an orgasm are obviously beyond you, so why bother posting.

Could you go on top? That stimulates the clitoris (basically you rub yourself on him IKSWIM) while he is inside you.

I think part of the problem is that he is the first one you were ever with and you are still in your mind a young innocent with him rather than a sexual turned on woman who can ask for what she wants. You almost expect him to know what you want or what turns you on - to know how to 'educate' you, but I think you have to be 'womanly' with him rather than 'virginal'.
Just think dirty when you are with him. I agree with the MN who said 'Have a drink'. Tell him you what you are going to do to him and what you want him to do with you and you'll turn each other on more!
I do think it's all about being comfortable with the other person, but being apologetic or reticent about being a sexual woman doesn't do it any favours.

I think my advice would be get selfish.

You know what you like - you can do it to yourself - so ask him to do it to you. Re direct him as and when necessary. (You said you think he would like to be dominated... taking firm instructions re touching you could be a start...)

And you have to not feel guilty if it takes you a while... make him carry on! let yourself get there, however long it takes.

Don't worry about the fact you used to fake it, and don't explain away any differences.

However I agree with whenwillI that you need to be feeling intimate - in a non sexual way - before you will feel able to do any of the above.