Worried about leaving DD with relative

[BooToAGoose]

I wasn't sure where to post this and have namechanged for obvious reasons. I feel a bit sick writing this as I know it is awful and I'm probably being completely unreasonable.

I have a DD currently 13 months. Myself and DP are getting married next year, and are starting to plan our honeymoon. It is likely to be a shortish break, but DP (and me tbh) would like to go away the two of us.

I know my mother would really love to have DD while we are away, perhaps take her away for a bit as well. But I have an issue with her partner and I'm feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of her potentially being alone with him. He has, in the past, made some comments regarding child abuse which worried me and made me question his attitude on the whole thing. We have a strained relationship due to various other issues anyway, so he could have been playing devils advocate, but even so I am just petrifide that something could potentially happen.

I know that it is actually really unlikely that there is anything untoward, but I can't shake this feeling and I would be devestated if anything ever happened. I don't feel like I can discuss my worries with anyone as it is obviously such an awful accusation and I have no real basis for anything other than his comments and the uncomfortable feeling I get around him. I just don't know if I'm overreacting.

What should I do? Get over it, or think of some excuse that DD should go with someone other than my mum? DPs mother would also be willing, but my mum very rarely gets to see her and would be hurt not to get to look after her.

Honest thoughts appreciated

if you have any doubts- dont leave her. you would spend your entire honeymoon worrying and it probably wouldn't stop after you got back.

i am not saying there is anything to worry about with this man but you have doubts and they will make your holiday unbearable.

Always go with your gut instinct,I know I would. As the saying goes If in doubt dont.

Trust your instinct.

Even if your fears are unfounded, then there's no way you'd enjoy a break away fretting about leaving your DD - but if there is genuine cause behind your gut feeling you'd never forgive yourself.

You have to put your daughter first instead of worrying about your mum being hurt. If she questions this I'd be totally honest and explain that this man makes you feel very uncomfortable ..... this is based on stuff he's said re: child abuse, which, although you haven't said what, must have been contrary to what normal decent people think to make you feel like this. So ..... it is, IMO, a real basis for your concern. If he made light of abuse, or tried to imply that children were to blame in any way for example there's no way I'd want my child in his company ever - and protecting my child would always take priority over my relationship with my mum (even though the thought of that disintegrating would obviously be scary and upsetting).

instict here too. You will have a dreadful honeymoon worrying about her so not worth it.

Catsmother we think alike.

Go with your gut feeling, what you are worried about is more common than you think.

Also whats the point in going away just the two of you if you are not going to be able to relax and enjoy it together? From what you have said I dont think you be able to if you leave her with your mum and her partner.

I think you should explain your feelings to your mum. Also I wouldn't leave my child if I were you. Don't doubt your instinct. It's not a risk worth taking.

I would trust your instinct, otherwise you will spend the time worrying, and you would never forgive yourself if something did happen.

Personally though, I would make an excuse rather than trying to explain the real reason. It could cause real problems between you and your mum, and as you say it is more a feeling, you don't have any proof that there is anything wrong.

Go with your instinct. I have exactly the same worries about my mum's partner. He's never actually done anything but some of the comments he's made and sometimes the way he touches my dds creeps me out. My dds are 7 and 3. DH and I had a weekend away to Stonehenge planned for our wedding anniversary in 2 weeks. We've cancelled it because I just cannot bear the thought of leaving my dds with my mum and her partner.

My DH shares my views. My mum still babysits my dds on a regular basis but if there is a chance he will be there then we cancel. Definately trust your instincts you won't be able to relax on your honeymoon. Is there anyone else who can look after your dd whilst you are away?

Perhaps I should elaborate on what he said to get an idea of whether it is that bad.

He said that we shouldn't automatically think/tell children that abuse is the worse thing that can happen to them and that it may be this reaction that makes it worse rather than the act itself (i.e. they are conditioned into thinking it is awful through the reaction of others). He wasn't actually saying there was nothing wrong with it but my counter argument was that it terribly affects children who haven't told anyone and kept it to themselves.

The other thing was related to someone who worked for the police in prosecuting against indecent images (was in the news years ago) who was then found guilty of downloading images on his own computer. He said that in that situation you never know how you will react to seeing those images until you see them and (I think it was words to this effect) it's not his fault that he reacted by enjoying them. I was appalled and said that no, he may not have realised, but he should instantly quit his job and not looked, rather than let it become an obession.

He has a tendancy to try and take the alternative viewpoint so he could have been doing than in these cases, but it made me feel really angry and uncomfortable to hear those views (and this was many years before having my own children).

I do agree that I shouldn't have them look after DD if I'm worrying, but surely sooner or later the issue is going to arise throughout her life. I always used to go and stay with my grandparents on my own and we have a very close family, how to a broach this and explain why MIL is having her to stay but my mum isn't?

KarmaAngel - cross posted but it is reassuring to see there is someone with the same fear.

Has your mum ever questioned why you cancel if he is there? Do you think she has cottoned onto what is happening?

from your latest post there's no way I'd be leaving my DC with him! as others have said, go with your instinct. If it doesn't feel right, then leave your DD with someone you definately trust.

Sounds awful - I definitely wouldn't leave a child with him around.

Does DP's mum see DD more often than your mum does? If so, could you leave DD with her and explain that you want to leave her with someone who she sees more often so that it is less unsettling for her.

If that's not the case, I'd just say you're not happy leaving your DD in the company of a man who thought/said those things. Has your mum forgotten he said them?

I'm not sure my mum knows he said them tbh, we were alone and i was only a teenager at the time so not great at formulating arguments. I know it left me feeling very angry that I couldn't respond to him in the way I wish I had. I didn't bring it up as I didn't really know what to say, and I have never told anyone other than DP about it.

AS I said before, we have a strained relationship anyway and I have tried to smooth things over as much as possible (he has been telling my mum he doesn't love her and wants to leave because indirectly because of me, don't want to post too many details because to anyone who knows me it will identify me).

I don't want to make things hard for my mum as she is fairly fragile emotionally, and also I don't want to put her in the position of having to choose between us. With our wedding coming up I want things to be lovely and calm on the family front. My mum is truly lovely and I want her to have a close relationship with DD, but it's looking like it will be very difficult for this to happen

Thanks for the added info

FWIW, I can see his points. He didn't say children should be made to shut up about abuse, only that they should be protected from a massive fuss about it - this is, in fact, a recognised and valid approach though I understand why it bothered you. He sounds to me like a thoughtful man, in the sense of "likes to really think" about issues and debate them.

That's by the by, really, when you're saying esentially that you don't much like him. This is reason enough to choose not to leave your child in his care. I don't see that you have to tell your mum any more than this simple truth.

Congrats, and enjoy your wedding!

Oh dear, a very difficult situation. He sounds very manipulative.

For different reasons to yours, my DD has never stayed with my parents, and never will.
I think Bosomforapillow's reasoning is good - if your mum doesn't see a lot of your DD, it is fair to say that you think leaving her for a few days with her will be too unsettling.

I think in your position I would mention your worries to your mother though. It is unlikely to go away, and the question of leaving your DD with them is one which will be raised again and again as she grows up. Addressing the issue now might make things easier in the future.

Grace thank you - I was hoping someone would post along those lines. You are right, he is very intelligent and does like to look beyond the obvious in situations. He also loves a good debate, which is why I wondered if it was devil's advocate. I know that what he is saying isn't necessarily wrong. I kind of got his point at the time, but I can't really explain why they left me feeling so strange.

I don't really know how you would justify his response on the policeman (yes I know that you could be taken unawares by a sexual reaction to seeing a photo of child abuse but we should not feel sorry for the person surely? They should take themselves out of the situation that allows them to view the images rather than indulge 'legally')

And is not liking him enough reason?

It is easy to say I should talk to my mum, but I guess I'm being a wimp about the fallout. I could just say I don't like him, but this will be fanning the flames of all the other issues and I really don't want to cause my mum any more problems. I suppose it's wimpy to just try and avoid the situation and say that MIL is having her(they see her about equally though TBH)

Why can't families be simple...

I know! Can't live with 'em; can't shoot 'em ...

I agree that policeman should have reported himself as unfit for the task - but would have rendered himself unemployable, so was in an unenviable position (I am inclined to think "poor guy", though can't remember the details of the story.)

So now we've established that I'd enjoy a long evening down the pub with your SD, we're still left with the childcare issue! It will, inevitably, crop up again in the future so I feel you'll be doing yourself a favour by dealing with it now. "He gives me the creeps" is a very valid reason for your choice - might not go down too well with your mum, though! How's she likely to react if you present it as your problem: you just can't help it you simply aren't comfortable with him, you're sorry?

Alternatively, just come up with a better offer from friends whose home is familiar to DD?

Well he was then arrested for downloading thousands of indecent images to his home computer so I am really not inclined to think 'poor guy'. Yes he may not have realised his tendancies if he hadn't come into contact through his job. But, perhaps he was drawn to that job for a specific reason, we just don't know.

My mum would be very upset and cry and try and get us to talk so we could sort things out and all be happy families again. He would probably then lay into me and tell me everything that is wrong with me and I'm selfish for putting my mother in this situation. I would then try and make amends and agree to whatever solution has been laid out. Then on the surface things will be OK for a while.

You can probably tell this has already happened.

Perhaps we just need to take DD with us, will solve the issue this time.

But it does help to know that you don't think his comments are particularly worrying and actually may be based in fact (if so it is likely he has read the research anyway). I don't want to overreact just because it's him saying it iyswim. If I could be clearer in my head there is no actual risk then I can get over the fact I don't like him (actually that's not even true, I get on very well with him at times)

Boo I wouldn't leave my child with him and I would explain to your mum that you don't feel comfortable. She's sure daughter and your mum may be upset but should respect your decision.
I got married last year and I took my DS with us on honeymoon and it was great. I loved having him there.

Hope it works out for you.

"He would probably then lay into me and tell me everything that is wrong with me and I'm selfish for putting my mother in this situation."

That's unpleasant of him, isn't it? Especially if you then feel you have to compromise your own feelings to save your mum's. Nothing you've said makes him sound sinister, but it seems he can be a pain in the arse and a bully!
It's difficult that your mother's stuck in the middle - depending on your relationship with her, it could be worth having a conversation in which you respect her choices, etc, but don't like the way he puts you down and feel his manner's too abrupt (or something) to be taking care of a young toddler.

Hope you're going somewhere with great babysitters for your honeymoon ...

Gut instinct. Never ignore it. I cannot stress how important trusting your own instinct is.
Better to upset your mum than risk your child's safety and security.
Even someone who just makes you feel uncomfortable for no good reason is not a suitable person to care for your DD.

Thanks all for your advice, I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and have some kind of conversation with my mum and address this.

I'll let you know how it goes when (if) I get the guts up to talk to her!

"He said that we shouldn't automatically think/tell children that abuse is the worse thing that can happen to them and that it may be this reaction that makes it worse rather than the act itself (i.e. they are conditioned into thinking it is awful through the reaction of others). He wasn't actually saying there was nothing wrong with it.."

The part about being conditioned to think abuse is awful is very telling. Abuse is awful. While this man may not be an abuser, he doesn't seem to regard abuse in the same way most of us do. Trust your gut instinct.