How to handle this?

[UniMummy]

Hello everyone. I'm a bit stuck on how to deal with a situation that is getting increasingly difficult to deal with and would love some impartial advice.

DP's sister is a very different person to me and I don't agree with how she behaves (constant swearing, aggressive, shouts at her kids and my DP a lot etc) but I can grit my teeth and smile like a loon for the most part!

On occasion she has been quite nasy towards me and my DS but yesterday was a whole new ball game. She was being very personal about DP and swearing a lot. She then decided my DS had hurt hers and when I tried to say he hadn't (I was watchin them) she started saying 'you what!' in my face and having a go about how it was his fault and make him say sorry. Of course I calmly said I had been watching, but she carried on creating a drama and so we left. She also went around everyone and started bad mouthing us. I just really can't understand what I have done to her to deserve all this abuse everytime we see her.

I really think she is vile now and want nothing more to do with her. How do I do this and not disrupt the family and make awkward situation? I have suggested to DP that he needs to stick up for me more and also that she may be suffering from depression or an anger problem and needs the support of the family to confront it, as it really is a constant thing of sniping and aggression towards everyone and mainly me.

I'd avoid her like the plague. She sounds absolutely horrendous.

She really is, it's such a shame because I get on with the rest of them. It's just this one sister who is like a black cloud over it all. Don't want DS anywhere near her, or her kid if I'm really honest.

Shall I just completely be honest or make excuses? I'm leaning towards honesty so someone will actually realise she has a problem and it's not just 'the way she is'

Is she like this with other family members, or just you? Regardless of the family connection, you don't have to put up with this. I agree that DP needs to support you, and perhaps he could calmly tell her that he would prefer it if she modified her language and aggressiveness towards you. It looks like she is deliberately trying to antagonise you - so try and think why this could be. Is she jealous perhaps? Does she want the sort of relationship/family life you have? Try and tell us more about her relationship with others, and her home life.

What does your DP say?

She is personal and aggressive towards everyone. A fiend went to school with her and said she was a bully back then. She also has problems with her DH, they are aggressive towards each other.

I think she has singled me out as someone who won't argue back. She's right because I won't, but only because I wouldn't dare talk like that in front of my DS.

It could be jealousy Saffysmum. She feels 'trapped' apparently. I think because she doesnt work and husband is in the forces. My DP is the youngest sibling so maybe thats a factor?
We have DS christening coming up

DP doesn't stick up for me as much as I would like and is part of the 'that's just how she is' camp. He was the one who said we are leaving so he definately doesn't condone it. But he also won't talk to her directly about the situation. I have told him unless I get an apology they are not coming to the christening as I am not having it ruined.

Their Mom is lovely, but also won't really talk to her about it because the sister is very offensive towards her sometimes.

Yes, but does your DH like her and want to see her? If so, you don't have much of a choice but to grit your teeth and bear with her behaviour. Or tell her once and for all that she is not allowed to talk to you or your DC like that and bear the consequences. (Talk to your DH before taking this road)

If your DH is not crazy about his sister, phase her out of your life.

Sounds like she's a bully, and people in the family have been enabling her, because they don't want to deal with fallout. She may be jealous if she feels trapped, she may feel her life is empty, so gets a kick out of stirring up other people's lives...whatever is driving her, her behaviour is unacceptable. She has been allowed to get away with it for so long, and she could well be picking on you, because she thinks that you will put up with it rather than confront her, and rock the boat.

You are now in a horrible position of being stuck between what you want to do (ignore her/have nothing to do with her) or go along with being treated (and worse, have your DS witness her behaviour)badly by her. I would always do what's best for DCs - the sticking point here of course, is that your partner will feel torn in two. But ultimately, he should understand that you and your DS come first. If she doesn't apologise, (I doubt she will, she's probably enjoying the power she perceives she has from upsetting you), then I would let her come to the Christening, but give her the minimum attention you have to. Don't let her goad you, don't sink to her level. Bullies hate being ignored/not getting a reaction, more than anything else. Rise above it - get through the day, and let her see that her presence there means nothing to you. Bullies love power, and if she thinks you're reacting to her/worried about her, then she's got what she wants. If you don't let her come to the Christening, then you are acknowledging that she has control over you - that she worries you - this is what she wants. So, take her power away - show her your indifference. The day is about your little one, your close family and friends, not her. After the Christening, play it cool, have minimum contact, be polite and aloof, and avoid her if you can. Remember, she thrives on seeing you react - so don't.

One thing I've learnt in life, is that I only get upset by the way people treat me, if I value that person's opinion of me. She's really not worth worrying about. Treat her in this way, and she loses her power.

DP loves her kids and would be really upset not to see them, so it's not an option for him to avoid her. I wouldn't want him to either really, not fair on him.

I really don't think I can grin and bear it anymore though, I keep putting up with it and it's just not ok anymore.

I think it's a good idea to tell her once and for all that is it, no more or I will not attend things she is at or be around her in anyway. Unfortunately, I think she may just respond in typical style.

Thanks Saffysmum. I think doing this thread has made me think straight about it and if I can avoid and ignore her it would definately calm the situation by inviting them. They may not even come, who knows.

The reason I am quite upset is bringing DS in to it, that was just really bizarre and showed she had no reasoning behind her behaviour other than to cause maximum upset. A bully for sure.

Thanks for the responses, lots of things to think about before I invite them and see her next.

By bringing your DS into it, she has shown her true colours. If you can maintain your dignity (not easy I know), then she will be seen by everyone for what she is. If you argue/confront her, she'll turn it around. Tell yourself you couldn't care less about whether she comes or not, because the day is going to great, with our without her, because she is immaterial to your happiness. Bullies are usually cowards...and once you let her know she can't affect your happiness, she's lost.

I will make that my new mantra!

I havn't argued back yet, and don't think I'm in danger of doing that as I get on with everyone else and wouldn't want to make it worse.

Thank you for your help