My inlaws see themselves as a unit - why can't I see myself and dh this way?

[thirtyfivepence]

I've had the third degree for phoning my mother in law about an invoice for my BIL's funeral - apparently only dh should call about this.

Dh had opened it just as he was about to go out to watch ds in a play and so I phoned them.

I got asked why I had rung (as opposed to dh) and then in practically the same breath she asked if we would help pay the costs.

My joint account chequebook is obviously more a part of the family, than I am.

I don't understand what point you are making. Your title and post seem to contradict one another.

Were you talking to a bereaved mother? Perhaps you ought to be little more compassionate towards her.

thirtyfivepence - I think that I understand where you are coming from....there is more to this, isn't there? I have the impression that your in-laws assert their family unit which leaves you a little (emotionally) excluded? But at the same time not accounting for the fact that you are 50pc shareholder of your family and that your family also has a right to be a strong unit?

...other posters are making the point that your MIL's bereavement might lead her to be more assertive/demanding about "her son"

I didn't express myself very well. I am not allowed to discuss anything financial or legal regarding BIL (he was in debt and dh has sorted all that out by himself as the executor of the will - he's probably spent 40 hours and 3 tanks of petrol on it).

However for the purposes of paying for the funeral I am regarded as a family member, and expected to cough up 50% - the other 50% to be paid by SIL. MIL expects to pay nothing at all despite choosing everything and signing the contract with the funeral director. I am actually pretty sure that MIL's sister has already sent her a big cheque.

MIL has taken to texting dh asking him to come around alone.

I think that is not reasonable behaviour even if MIL is grieving. I think that your DH has to politely and gently tell your MIL that it 50pc your money.

In similar situations, I make it clear that my DW is an equal shareholder.

Sorry to hear about all of your trouble.

It's the first day of his week off - a lovely day. Ds and I are stuck at home waiting for him to get back, and presumably he's stuck in a cold living room listening to how poor they are.

have you spoken to DH about it? I would say you need to be gentle when telling him about this without losing your point. It is a low time for his family so you need to continue to be tactful?