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Original poster

Argh! Why won't this Mum take 'no' for an answer??

29 replies

OfficeBird · 10/07/2010 22:23

Am getting a bit irritated by another mum from our school. They moved into our area from a couple of miles away, and ever since she has been bugging me/DS1 for get-togethers/lifts and her kids keep 'dropping in'.

DS1 (1) is friendly-ish with one of the boys (in same class) but the problem is that his younger brother always arrives too, and neither DS1 or DS2 get on with/like him at all .

We're about to break up from school, and already this woman is bombarding me with e-mails with dates when she 'thought it would be nice' if DS1 could go to play/go with them to the swimming pool etc.

So far I've tried to politely decline with 'oh we're a bit busy/we have people over/need to visit relatives etc' but she just keeps coming back with more dates!

Thing is, I just don't really like their parenting style - they're much less concerned about safety than we are. They always have too many kids in the car/ don't use rear seatbelts. And recently one of my friends was a bit upset to discover that when her son was invited to play after school he actually ended up walking home to their house, over a mile, and across two busy roads - not something he was used to (and was only aged 9 at the time).

I just feel that my softly softly approach won't work, and I might need to be a bit more blunt?

DH says he thinks she is targeting us because she works part-time and she is looking for childcare over the summer (He may have a point...)

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 10/07/2010 22:26

How awful to have someone trying to be friendly towards you.

pinkyp · 10/07/2010 22:28

do u not want t o be her friend? i thought friendships were give and take?

LacksDaisies · 10/07/2010 22:29

making a child walk a mile at age 9....she should be stoned.

If it bothers you this much, grow a pair and tell her you don't want to be her friend or for your DC to be friends.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 22:31

This woman't trying to be your friend. I would speak to her about the car though, it's illegal to have children in the car without the appropriate seat.

I'd make my son walk over a mile, a bit of exercise is good. 9 years is a responsible age, he's not likely to go running into the road.

I think you are making things difficult when all she's trying to do is make a friend. If you are not interested then be honest with her rather then make excuses.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 10/07/2010 22:34

Well, I think that you have to be a bit straighter with her if you can. If you find it uncomfortable and don';t want to spend time with her or her DS then that's fine. You don't have to be friends with her just because she is being friendly towards you. Really, you don't!

How about just stating a couple of days over the holidays but then make it clear that you don't want to do more as you want to spend time with your children alone.

coffeepods · 10/07/2010 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeepods · 10/07/2010 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carbonated · 10/07/2010 22:40

My 3 year old walks a mile to preschool (and a mile back) 3 times a week. Call SS by all means.

If you don't want the woman to keep offering up dates etc then you have to be more truthful. You don't have to be nasty, just tell her that your DC and her younger boy don't get on and it creates too many difficulties for you.

I think it is a bit mean spirited to assume that she wants free childcare, in the absence of any other evidence. You say she often pops in durng term time so it seems natural to me.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 22:40

Was I harsh? Sorry, I'm a kitten really.

whomovedmychocolate · 10/07/2010 22:42

Actually I don't associate with people who have radically different parenting styles to me, I feel constantly judged or that I'm being judgmental myself. I don't think that's unreasonable really. Diversity is good but life's too short to argue really.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 22:47

I don't really care , it's an opportunity to learn, everyone has qualities. I wouldn't leave my child with them alone though if I worried about safety.

God, I've been reading way too much of the Dali lama (or I'm drunk)

Original poster
OfficeBird · 10/07/2010 22:49

Gosh, so rather nasty comments?
Don't think some of you understand.

  • I don't trust her to look after my DS properly
  • DS isn't that keen/bothered, so it's not really for his benefit
  • I don't want to have to entertain her DS2 when he turns up at our house

The issue about the walking home (which wasn't my child btw) wasn't about the distance, but
a) the fact that it wasn't mentioned that they'd be walking home
b) they had to cross two busy A roads without crossings (and where a woman was knocked over in a hit and run recently )

MyCat - I've already said all the stuff about wanting to spend time with my two, and she just doesn't get the message.
I say I'll call her later in the holiday, and she has sent me 6 more 'dates'.
I just can't understand why she doesn't just get the hint.

It doesn't feel quite right - doesn't feel like she's just being friendly - I think DH may be right, she is hoping to ask us to have her kids when she is at work, if she does some things with DS1 on her days off .

OP posts:
nbee84 · 10/07/2010 22:49

I'm wondering if the op meant that the 9yo walked home 1 mile and 2 busy roads without an adult - if that's the case then it is not reasonable without the prior consent of the child's parents.

I also think the op is nbu in the case of the younger brother always turning up too - why should her children have to play with him?

nbee84 · 10/07/2010 22:50

sorry - xpost

Original poster
OfficeBird · 10/07/2010 22:51

Carnonated - she doesn't pop in during term time - but her kids constantly turn up at the door.

OP posts:
Eglu · 10/07/2010 22:51

I'm assuming the OP meant that the 9yo walked to the house unsupervised. If not alone then I don't see the problem.

You just need to say no firmly if you don't want to be friends with her.

Original poster
OfficeBird · 10/07/2010 22:51

Sorry - yes - the walking home was ALONE - without a parent!

OP posts:
Valpollicella · 10/07/2010 22:51

Belle...over here

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 22:52

You should be honest and tell her OfficeBird. Some people can't take a hint. Don't tell her you don't know her well enough to swap childcare with her, just tell her that you have everything sorted out.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/07/2010 22:54

What does it matter what any of us think? You seem very clear on your view, and you're entitled to it.

Be firm with her. You're not available. You have already made your summer plans.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 10/07/2010 22:55

Ta Val Hic!

lucky1979 · 10/07/2010 23:06

Can you not set up one, maybe two dates in and then say that you don't want to commit to any more as you have so much on already and want to spend family time with your two. That should make her back off for the rest of the time.

If you plan something for the second week, then something for the fourth or fifth week then you can avoid commiting to anything else in the mean time without it being to onerous for everyone. An if you arrange for her DS1 to come out with you somewhere then you can avoid having to take her DS2 (what's wrong with him anyway - is he just different from you DCor do they actively dislike each other)

pinkyp · 10/07/2010 23:10

from your origional post it seemed liked you wanted to be her friend and ur ds was friends with her ds she was just a pain in the bum. Think you've made it quite clear you dont want to have anything to do with her you just need advice on how to tell her? you have a few options, 1- tell her the truth, 2 - ignore her or 3 - keep making excuses. None seem 'nice' but i'm not sure if there is a easy way 'out'

LacksDaisies · 10/07/2010 23:10

I may have been a bit harsh, but the OP struck me as a bit of a self indulgent whinge. On the walking home point though...did they walk home alone? or was the mum with them? not clear from the OP or subsequent post. And surely walking home better than being unsafe/unrestrained in a car? I assume when my DS is invited for tea that he will get home with the family in wahtever way they normally do, be that car, bus or Shanks' Pony.

If you don't like her parenting style and DS isn't bothered; just tell her.

Tryharder · 10/07/2010 23:20

Can parenting styles really be defined as to whether or not someone allegedly wore or didn's wear a rear seatbelt???

Do people really make or break friendships on such a basis???

This woman sounds very unreasonable - how dare she try and be friendly or make playdates for her children - the very cheek!!!! And shock horror - she has the temerity to work part time so your DH is very charitably assuming that she is on the scrounge for free childcare. Based on what evidence exactly?

What a mean spirited post.