How do I stop myself being jealous of sil?!

[spidersandglue]

I choose not to talk to dh about it as he gets annoyed...

I know it's silly and ungrateful, selfish, childish etc etc and I'm expecting to get flamed for this but she's expecting a girl and my stomach is in knots and I want to sob!

I so wished to have a girl

I just want it to go away.....

Any advice greatly received.

In three years time when she has a stroppy l'il madam you won't be jealous!

dd has a temper so foul at times she could strip paint with her death stare. My ds positively glows in an angelic light compared to her!!

You have to see her as a baby girl and a niece for you to enjoy too. You'll have a new girl in your family.

(That's what I'm doing anyway - my SIL is expecting a 2nd baby, and I'd love to be).

thank you for responding don't seem to have anyone in rl to talk to about this.

Can't bear all the joy there seems to be surrounding girls!

Hey spidersandglue.

Feeling jealous is such a horrid feeling, but its perfectly understandable when someone else has something you want so desperately.

How close are you to your sil? Could you talk to her about how you feel a little, cause she might be getting vibes anyway. Sometimes I find that when you voice your feelings of envy to the person it really helps but of course that dpeends on how good your relationship is with her.

I think that like paisyleaf says focusing on her girl being a new addition to your family might help, you can be an uber aunt and get to do all the cool little girl things with her, and then hand her back when she is being a madam (lol).

It might also help to think about why exactly you want a girl so desperatley, do you have boys now? Maybe if you could identify why you want one so much, and what sort of needs it will help you to fulfill then you could understand a little more about how to come to terms with feeling jealous?

all the best

Thanks Elmtree. I try to work it out all the time why I have this emotion that's eating away at me....

I'm an only child and I suppose I fear not having a mother-daughter relationship later. The companionship, the friendship...
I know not all mothers and daughters get on of course but I fear missing out on something wonderful.

So I suppose there is a loneliness because of being an only child with the fear that she is having something I probably will never have....

We're not very close due to her living quite far away.

Comments from dh's Grandma like "Thank goodness a girl at last! sick of all these boys" doesn't help.

Hey Spiders,

I think the relationship mothers and daughters have is so complex and special, and I get some of those feelings, because I have one son and really wanted a girl for pretty similar reasons. I think I also felt that I would be able to relate to a girl better and maybe be closer, but actually I have found that with my son I feel this incredibly special bond which is probably different to a mother-daughter one but so wonderful anyway. Little boys and their mums are a different breed, but so so cool in their own way too.

Do you have any children right now and if so are you hoping /planning to have children?

I am only guessing here but it sounds to me like you might have a really close relationship with your mother and there is fear that you will not be able to have that without a daughter of your own.

Its a tricky one for sure and I think its important to recognise those feelings and to feel that loss.

Perhaps the worry is more that you won't be able to replicate that or as you say that you will feel lonely. These are really understandable fears, but of course having a daughter is no gaurantee of companionship or closeness. Maybe you fear that your life will not be fulfilled later on and a duaghter will help to fill that gap? (Just throwing stuff out there).

I DO know what its like for the family to be all 'at last a girl' type thing, except in reverse because my son is the only boy, and I think families can be a little untactful when they say stuff like that. I honestly believe that every parental bond with eveyr child regardless of the parent or child's gender has special and positive qualities to it, they are just different.

Sorry for the long winded pop psychology, I am at home on my own missing my long term bf and am motormouthing!

Hey elmtree your post post is much appreciated! Thank you

I do have two young boys who are gorgeous and hardwork. I was never that close to my mum growing up but I suppose we're closer now since I've had kids. She wasn't always a great role model as in independent and strong and I suppose I'd love the chance to do things differently if I had a girl.
Also dh hardly ever phones his mum and doesn't make much effort to see her so he's I suppose magnifying my fear that my two boys won't be bothered with me when they're older.
Might go to bed now will be awoken at 5! Thanks so much for your post, hope your bf is back soon!

My brother was probably closer to my Mum than me and my sister. And we were close - I spoke to her very often. He called her every day! Some boys do bother!

I have two boys too, so understand how you feel. Whatever, you need to remember that you're the most important thing in your boys' lives and am sure they love you to bits (even if they are a bitpants at showing it sometimes!)

I have a very naughty little girl here you could borrow for a while! I promise after a couple of hours your longing for one will subside

Thanks so much for those lovely responses woo and Lisa it's so nice to get it off my chest without judgement!

I have a dd and I really understand your reasons for yearning for one - I had a difficult relationship with my mother and rightly or wrongly longed for a girl to 'get it right' and heal some of that pain.

I have three close friends with two boys who feel EXACTLY the same as you, they are so happy with their ds's but can't quite put a lid on their sadness at not having a girl.I think you just have to keep talking about it on here or to people in RL who won't dismiss your feelings, until the pain peters out. It will.

And to the posters about their naughty little madams - by god mine is too!!!

All I will say is be careful what you wish for....

I had 2 DS's and desperately wanted a girl.

Cue arrival of DD1.

Who right from the get go was difficult and hard work (she had multiple food intolerances, once we got them sorted she had issues with food)

She is obstinate, determined, and the biggest tomboy in Ireland.

She is currently sitting with a broken leg because she was so agressive fast at a go kart track.

Oh how I dreamed of sparkly hair clips, pink fluff and Barbies.....

(DD2 isn't like that either because she follows her big sister)

Be the Auntie she will confide it.

Caught my daughter phoning my sis to tell her how mean I was that I wouldn´t let her have the Winter boots she wanted!

They had heels-she is 12!!

(And already 170cm!)

Im really close to my mum and hoped I would have a daughter one day,anyway when I fell pregnant was so desperate to have a girl that I convinced myself it was a girl,when I went for my 20 week scan Im now ashamed to say I cried when told it was a boy. Obviously I soon got over it and was overjoyed when my gorgeous son was born and wouldnt change him for the world. We are so close and have a very strong bond which Im so pleased about as he is and will only be my only child. I would have loved to have a daughter as well as my son but what will be will be. I also have 4 great step kids now too including 2 step daughters so Im lucky in that way. I also think that just because Im close to my mum does not mean that if I had had my own daughter we would have been close or had that special bond.Like i said before I have a special bond with my son and I hope I always will do

My ex was very close to his Mum and phoned her at least twice a week. Very protective of her too. It depends totally on the relationship growing up not on whether they are a boy or not.

My cousin is a big bad Sgt Major in the Infantry and very close to his Mum.

Another ex boyfriend used to ring his Mum nearly every day and ask her advice on almost everything.

My SIL boyfriend, phones and visits his Mum almost every day and does absolutely everything for her as she is on her own.

Just some postive Mum/son relationships for you .

Spindersandglue, I'm in a similar situation with my SIL, although the gender of her baby is unknown. I'm in bits that she is 32 weeks pregnant when I lost my twin daughters at 31 weeks in March. I'm so scared her baby will be a girl and my own bitterness and pain will stop me from having a relationship with my new niece or nephew. I'm deeply envious of her pregnancy and my loss and her pregnancy have become the elephant in our relationship.

I'm trying to disconnect my loss from her little one and hope the joy of having a new baby in the family will take over from my pain.

I can't give you any tip on dealing with your feelings, I just want you to know that what yu are feeling is normal and it doesn't make you a bad person.

Hello, gosh I'm really touched that some more of you have posted. I wasn't expecting that at all I'm so surprised not to have been flamed!

Thank you

I've actually been feeling a lot better since getting it off my chest.

I don't think we'll ever be close unfortunately as they live 200 miles away and she has my other sil (her sister) who of course she is closer to. I think that may be part of it as well, some weird thing about wanting to be liked and included by dh's family and produce first girl and in my twisted head I think that would make me feel special. Of course I would also love to experience having a girl.

I suppose being an only child I'm not use to the whole sibling thing and I just can't handle it if in laws start visiting new granddaughter more. ds2 (4th grandson) birthday was forgotten by sil.

Thanks for the positive mum/son stories - quick question though, do the partners of these men find their relationships with their mothers annoying? Do they hate their mil?!

BTW I'm hoping to be the nicest mil!

AlwaysDoingSomething that must be so hard for you - I can't even begin to understand. I'm so sorry. I hope your family and sil are tactful and sensitive towards you. I hope the time passes really quickly while she's pregnant and then once the new baby is here when you hold her for the first time any bitterness and envy evaporates. The pain will never leave obviously but I do hope some healing happens for you. My boys have been very healing for my parents who lost their son. Take care

I have one of each. DD is stroppy, loud, moody, highly strung and contrary. DS is like a wee ray of sunshine. I wouldn't change either of them mind, but a little less strop from madam would be nice! Bet you'll be a fantastic auntie and I bet you're a fantastic mum to your boys too.

I sympathise with you so much and I understand exactly where you are coming from. I always saw myself as a mum with a daughter, having sons never really occurred to me.

My first child was a daughter who died at six weeks old. I then went on to have two boys and desperately wanted another girl each time. I tried the so called diets and timing each time and read books on choosing the sex. Obviously to no avail.

As much as I loved and still love and adore my boys it just wasn't the same. I used to get upset going to buy clothes for them and seeing all the pretty dresses and accessories.
Everyone seemed to be having girls as well, friends, neighbours, my sil even acquaintances at school. I can't even put into words how much that upset me - I was in bits every time someone had a daughter.

I didn't want to try for a third in case I had another boy but then my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and we decided to just give it one more shot as he would be left infertile after treatment. I fell pregnant immediately and hoped and hoped.

Our third baby was a little girl and she just completed the family. I can't explain it - like completing a jigsaw puzzle everything just clicked. Then a few years down the line we got the shock of our lives when I found out I was pregnant again despite assurances my husband had been left sterile.

This time I really didn't mind what sex I had and the pregnancy was so different to the others I was just more relaxed and easy with everything. Baby number four also turned out to be a girl so we have a perfect balance now.

The funny thing is that if daughter number one had lived I'd probably not have had the desire to have any more children at all. It's funny how life doesn't quite turn out as you expect.

Oh and I do love my boys and they have never been neglected or aware of how much I wanted a girl - it was hard to hide it sometimes but it was my issue not theirs. I am however like a dog with two tails now I have two little girls.

You are not silly or childish or ungrateful - and if you decide to have another child I hope you get your much wanted daughter.

Personally I am a great advocate of allowing sex selection if you already have two the same sex and want the opposite for a balance. I don't think it would affect the population balance if carefully applied. There are lots of mums out there with two girls who would love to have a boy too.

Hi spidersandglue didnt mention in previous post but my husband is the eldest of 4 boys and he is very close to his mum, she always wanted a daughter but never had one and she now says Im the daughter she never had which I think is lovely and I get on so well with her.

Like you I hope that when my son gets married(long time yet he is only 6 ) that I will be a great MIL and gain a daughter. Although like I said I do have 4 great step kids 2 of which are girls.