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Original poster

Spending the kids inheritance or investing in our lives?

14 replies

Openbook · 09/01/2010 15:56

Live in north west and am retired with family in the midlands - parents old and needing help and also ds1 and dil and grandaughter . Dh doesn't want to move and I don't want to really, it's very beautiful round here and we love our house but it would be lovely to be nearer granddaughter ( i think) and very useful to be able to offer more help to very aged parents. We could raise the money to buy a small flat near to the family and spend part of every month there while still keeping on house we love in the nw. I know the costs of running two homes would be high and i don't think dh is going to go for this but I am tempted. We have money in the bank because we have always been very sensible but wouldn't this be exactly the time to splurge on something important that could really add something to our lives. What do you think? Lots of you will be the age of my ds and dil - what about from their point of view?

OP posts:

prettybird · 09/01/2010 16:04

I presume you get on well with ds and DIL. Why not ask them what they think? Would they like you around for part of the month? Do they currently help with your parents (thier grandparents)? Would it reduce a burden on them?

In terms of "spending the kids' inheritence", they have no right to expect anything (not that you suggest that they do), so that very much has to be your decision.

With my own parents, I have always encouraged them to spend now and not to think of us - we can look after ourselves (thnaks to their bringing us up well! ).

So in a nutshell, you should do what makes you happy - but just check beofre committing that it is something that your ds and DIL (and your parents) would actually want. There is no point spedning that money and then finding that they resent you "interfering"!

cat64 · 09/01/2010 16:10

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

Openbook · 09/01/2010 16:18

Yes I agree. I don't know what they would all think at the moment. I guess the oldsters would be pleased and we'd be tactful with the youngsters. Walking on eggshells is a habit anyway.It would solve complicated visiting arrangements for them. I wish I thought dh would like the idea, I have pushed him into things in the past that have not always been for the best financially and know there is no fun in twisting his arm when the plan goes tits up. I know anyone reading this will wonder how I can be such a wimp after all these years. Think I'll mull it over for a bit longer before I bring it up. I'm relatively reckless and he's very conservative with money.

OP posts:

Original poster

Openbook · 09/01/2010 16:27

The community thing is a very good point and one dh will probably feel more than I would.The lodger idea doesn't really appeal.Travelling is not a problem - it's only 2 hours ish and we need to go regularly as it is just for the day to see parents. I agree that extended visits can be special but at the moment they don't seem to be on the agenda - young family seem to be busy busy busy and we're rather low on the priority list. I envisage babysitting and calling in for coffee and just being closer in touch. Parents would enjoy us being nearby to drop in too.

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Original poster

Openbook · 09/01/2010 16:30

I must admit I am bored in retirement and just think this would help me and them in lots of ways. Dh is much more content with staus quo. That's the story of our life really.

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HerHonesty · 09/01/2010 16:31

spending to an extent, but you will have an asset to show for it. if you think DH will not be keen Perhaps you could position it as an inheritance investment too - ie. something to leave you DS or grandchildren?

skidoodle · 09/01/2010 16:37

I don't really see any reason to ask your son and DIL about this. You have aging parents that need you, so regardless of their feelings about having you nearby, you have to think about your responsibilities to the older generation.

Your parents are only going to need more and more help. I think it is brilliant if you have the resources to be able to put yourself near them whilst still keeping your own home that you love.

Original poster

Openbook · 09/01/2010 16:47

Thanks for your comments - really useful. I'm even wondering now about running an apartment as a holiday let - it would be in a tourist area, and reserving times for ourselves. If I thought dh would grasp this as an exciting project I would be just delighted. Oh the poor guy - he's sitting there watching the rugby and has no idea I'm planning on spending our money! i must get a grip.

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HerHonesty · 09/01/2010 17:14

well its his fault for not paying you more attention!!

DecorHate · 09/01/2010 18:45

I don't think you need to consult your son and DIL about how you spend your money but it would probably be advisable to talk to them about how they would feel about you living near them for at least part of each month. They may love the idea of course but they might equally find it a bit awkward and somewhat intrusive in their life if they thought there would be an expectation to spend a lot of time with you when you were there.

If you do buy the apartment then my advice would be to not try to tie them down to a regular arrangement (eg having lunch together every sunday) but keep it ad-hoc. Of course they may welcome having grandparents on hand to help with babysitting/childcare (are you prepared to give that sort of help if you are nearby?)

taxiservice · 09/01/2010 23:33

I'm with skidoodle on this - good on you to be considering this. It makes sense to live near your family, there are so many advantages. My parents help me, I help them. The kids see their grandkids. Right now we are having work done on the house and we're staying with Grandma - Dad died last year and we were able to see him every day, and now we are here for her too.

It is probably good for you too, to move house before you get too seriously settled - my mother couldn't move house now because nothing's changed for 30 years and it would be too traumatic to change now.

Your OH may just be doing the 'bloke' thing of waiting for you to make the decision and not getting involved til you do.

skidoodle · 09/01/2010 23:38

"it would probably be advisable to talk to them about how they would feel about you living near them for at least part of each month. They may love the idea of course but they might equally find it a bit awkward and somewhat intrusive in their life"

It would be pretty arrogant of them to want the grandparents to be left without the care they need just because they don't want their parents/ILs around more of the time.

Being near them would be an added bonus, but the OP has other very good reasons for moving to this area and she has no need to consult anyone about a decision to do it.

taxiservice · 10/01/2010 00:34

It's a parent's right to be awkward and intrusive in their childrens' lives.

Original poster

Openbook · 10/01/2010 11:53

Decorhate - I think that would be an issue and i do understand, (my in laws lived 300 miles away which was a great relief to me) but we are aware of it and would be careful. We used to live in the area many years ago and there are other reasons why we would enjoy to have a base there again as well as the family thing. I think they might be a bit shocked at the idea .... and then get over it.

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