Moving after 30 years in our family home is breaking me

[Cazsaztaz]

We have lived in our home for 30 years and bought up 3 children here. God at times it’’s been tough ~ family life and marriage, but somehow we made it.
Anyway grown up kids all live fairly close and visit the ‘family home’ often.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with some health problems and have to think about if I can’t drive…we are in a tiny village/ hamlet with nothing and near nothing.
We really have to be sensible and move, and if I’m honest, I’m bored being in the same place now.
Before we lived here, for forever, my life had been spent moving between so many homes.
So it makes sense , it’s a bit exciting ~ but I am floored by the emotions and the memories I’ll be leaving behind. Literally I cry every time I think about the children as babies and toddlers and all the events and parties we have had over the years. Them on the primary school bus, playing in the Wendy house….it’s endless.
I actually have nightmares about the first night in a new house realising I’ve made a mistake that I can never put right and never get back to this house.
I cry when I think about another family here, who won’t know what all the rooms, and garden and things meant to us and what happened in them.
In the rest of my life I love challenge, work in a difficult job and think I’m pretty resilient ~ but this just makes me fall apart. I’ve faced illness, nearly getting divorced and family members dying young ~ I can face things ~ but his is actually making me ill.
Has anyone left a family home they were really attached to, and how did it go? Xxx

Seconded

@Bryonyberries I’m sorry you are in a position where some things are going to happen that you are not choosing. I have similar plants that are completely wrapped up, with life and the children. We planted a rose for each baby we bought home, and they are still growing 20+ years later. Every plant has a story ~ have you read the thread and seen how many times plants play a part in people’s lives and the theme of cuttings, cuttings, cuttings! Why don’t you take some of the jasmine and everything else now and make sure you have a healthy plant in a pot by the time you have to make a choice about whether to stay or go? It’s helped me over the past few days to start potting these up thinking at least something will come with me, and maybe thrive in a new garden. Sending you loads of good wishes x

@bafta16 what lovely words - it’s amazing how some kind thoughts and words can genuinely make you feel like people get it, and you’re not how you feel. Thank you. I hope things come clear for you, about what to do, at some point. It would be nice to think that things happen when they are meant to - don’t think life is quite as straightforward as that, but sometimes the time comes when we know it’s right to act or make a decision. Keeping my fingers crossed for you things work out.

@TheWildZebra thank you again! Crikey - @Jasminealive crying is not a diagnostic criteria of being severely depressed. But as @TheWildZebra has said, if it was, I’m so glad everyone here has taken the time and effort to share, normalise and support. Much appreciated x

@ErlingHaalandsManBun you have said this to me at just the right time - I have been processing all the support on here and it has been SO helpful - and your description of a home not being the home but the people / person / life has really hit home on the back of all everyone has said. So many people say that don’t they - that you go back somewhere after a loved one has gone and it actually feels different. It’s not really the place - it’s the people. Thank you. I hope your future move and life to come, opens up new possibilities and new experiences. I’m sorry for your loss of your mum and dad - your description of mum being the ‘heart and soul’ is beautiful. She must have been a special mum.

I’m also in a similar position OP and it’s not easy, I love my home, I’ve been trying to declutter and so much paperwork put away in loft.

@FlyingCatGirl I can’t believe how powerful memories from growing up, are. What an overwhelmingly emotional picture you paint of life in your grandma’s and grandpa’s house, and in their lives. They sound like the grandparents we should all be lucky enough to have. Isn’t it amazing that memories of a special home bring alive all the senses, remembering the smells, the temperature - everything - I feel I can hear their clock ticking. I’m glad you had them. I’m sorry to hear it’s complicated with your Mum - there does seem to be a right time to move and life gets difficult if it’s too late. My very disabled mother is probably heading for a similar situation. I hope things work out for you and your mum.

@Cazsaztaz , I hear you. We left the family home we’d brought our family up in nearly four years ago. My husband sold his business and retired at the same time and he had a nervous breakdown… He’s very happy now and wouldn’t go back but it was extremely tough at the time. We only moved a couple of miles down the road so pass our old home at least weekly which didn’t help. My dad had come to live with us after my mum died and died there too, so, so many memories. We had been looking to move for a long while and I think it helped that we waited to get the ‘right’ property.
Find somewhere that is right for you, it does seem strange at first and it took a while for our new house to feel like home but we absolutely moved for the right reasons and are really happy in our (not so) new home. Your memories will live in your heart and you will make new and beautiful memories in your new home. Sometimes we just need to have faith and leap. X

Honestly, going 'home' for the first time after Mum died was really strange. The house felt different. Like, everything that had made me love it, and made it feel like a warm, cosy, safe place to be was gone. I remember standing and looking round it and it was like someone had turned down the warm glow of 'home'. It just looked and felt like any other building and actually nothing special at all. I think that is when it hit me that what made this house a home was my Mother's presence. It was her that filled it with love, warmth and laughter. It was her that made it feel like the most special place to be in the World.

Letting go and selling that home was easier than I thought it would be. She was gone. My parents were gone. And the house was just that. A house. A house I will always have good memories of, and a house that I will never forget. But ultimately, it was just a house.

The memories I have of being there and being with my parents are always with me and they are in the feelings I have. I can close my eyes and be back in that house with my Mother. Those memories are portable and they go with you.

You will honestly be fine. 😊

Look to your new life as an adventure. Its about to get exciting.

I know exactly where you are coming from OP - we sold up our family home that we had lived in for 34 years back at the start of 2025 and it was a sad moment saying goodbye to a building that had been so sentimental and had so many memories over the years. We are on good terms with the new owner of our old house and we got invited around a few weeks ago. We left it in great condition that everything is pretty much the same still! It was strange going back and seeing someone else living in your old home.

That said - we’ve been in our new home for 16 months and for us it’s all about creating new memories and a new chapter in life - we are both coming up to retirement so we downsized but we brought a do-er upper and have completely transformed the property. We’ve had issues with new neighbours who moved in next door (rental) but they’ve since moved out - so thankful as we got close to selling up and moving again!!

You’ll have mixed emotions for sure - happiness and sadness but a new chapter commences.

good luck with the sale!

I think not crying leads ot all sorts of problems.

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks what lovely advice, thank you. It’s genuinely so helpful to hear from you who have done this already - and survived and thrived! I know you’re so right about have the faith and take the leap, otherwise none of us would do anything. Thank you for sharing what it was like, I have often thought what it will be like to drive past this home when we’ve gone. But you just get used to things I guess. I loved that you said find the right place, I’ve been feeling under pressure to rush but know this is so important it’s worth holding out. Thank you 😊

@ErlingHaalandsManBun you have s way with words. Thank you again for sharing your experiences- and every time I read how people have coped, managed and done it, I feel so much better. Your Mum does sound special though, it must have been lovely having her as a mum. Your words…’Those memories are portable and they go with you’ are etched into my head and heart now. Thank you 😊

@MN2025 I think we are literally at the same life stage - heading towards retirement some time in the near future, probably downsize snd the next stage of making memories. Maybe that will even be easier somewhere new - as this home is all about bringing the children up. And thanks for sharing the possible difficulties too - I don’t want to fantasise that everything in a new home will be perfect - but if they’re not, you just manage that at the time. Going into your old home with the new owners must have been strange but how lovely that they are that nice. I loved the idea of a doer upper to really make your own, I do have less energy than I used to though 🫣. Hope it’s all going really well.

@bafta16 you’re so right ❤️