To relocate or not?! Need to decide this week

[CountingSheep27]

I am faced with a decision and I am so on the fence I cannot see clearly! Please any advice welcome. we have two options:
option 1:
stay where we are. Big house and big garden which we are settled in, been here 2.5 years. In laws 5 minutes away. We have a good relationship, not perfect but it is good and we enjoy visiting them. They help with ad hoc child care but not a regular slot. Oldest child is 4.5 years old, starts school in Sept. Pregnant with Second child due date end May. We have No friends here. Tried to make friends but struggled. Bit colder here but amazing landscape and not over populated. But flip side is it’s quiet with less to do. Schools here are good. husband has to commute three days a week 300 miles to work, so for three evenings a week gets home 9pm or later and one night is a stay over away. My job is wfh. Could likely get a school place here due to low birth rate.
option 2:
move 300 miles away to where we lived before. Will need to rent first for one year and then find something to buy. House will be smaller due to property there more expensive. No family nearby. We have friends there already established who we like seeing and visit occasionally from current location. Bit warmer but busier as more populated. Flip side is there loads to do! Schools here are also good. Husband commute would be shorter, 1 hour and a quarter each way. For 3 evenings a week would get home around 6:30 or 7pm. No stay overs. My office is here so I could go into office sometimes if I wanted to after mat leave. We already have a school place here.

I would stay. The in law support and the large garden outdoor space would do it for me. That lifestyle plus regular trips to the other place to do activities, socialise and so on.

almost budget for that for long weekends to tie in with work /office visits too.

I would stay in place 1

Thank for your replies! I also should add that my husband really wants option one. My worry with option one is there’s not enough for me (eg friends, workplace) but realise this is a decision for four people not just me.

Stay where you are.

Option 2

Option 1. Friends, presumably with young children too, will be busy with their own lives. The help from your in-laws matters, especially with a new born. Big garden, quieter area appeals. Maybe you will meet people once you have the baby at baby groups?

Any chance your husband can relocate job?

This is about how you want to live your life.
Option 1, family help, attractive location aspirational home but terrible commute for husband which means a lot of solo parenting through the week. A bit lonely.
Option 2, less help from family but more time with husband so less solo parenting, maybe a bit more cramped location wise, but more social.

option 2. It is hard making friends as an adult, especially if there are limited socialising opportunities. You can visit the in-laws in the holidays. The shorter commute would be a huge factor for me too. I've done that type of commute before and it was brutal. And less solo parenting. All of that adds up and outweighs a bit of help from in-laws and a lovely location.

But honestly, to make it worth the move I'd be looking for more. A much shorter commute, under an hour ideally. Closer to friends but not in the immediate area if I could get a better house and garden a little further away. So yes, rent for a year and figure out where you'll settle.

Why is DH plumping for option 1?

I would leave it until you've had your maternity leave with number two.

It's a good way to make friends.

I know your eldest is starting school but moving so young isn't too bad.

If you like everything else apart from the social side, it seems a shame to go back - and even if you do it's unlikely you'll fit back quite as before.

I moved 300 miles away. It took until I had children and made mum friends at the village hall toddler group to really settle.

He gets to avoid parenting for half the week?

That commute is horrendous & not conducive to family life.
Combined that with an area with more to do and some existing friends and the opportunity to make more I’d opt for Option 2.

Thanks all again for your replies! You can see why I’m really on the fence. Both options have great positives.
Staying in option one makes more sense financially so we’d pay off the mortgage more quickly.
But yes in option two is much more to do during the week for me and the kiddies and we already have a fried network there. I had attended toddler groups here in option one maybe two years ago and struggled to make friends. Might be a chance to make friends via school?
Our 4.5 year old told me she wants to stay in this house we are in and go to the school round the corner so that’s her decided!

Stay and give it a chance. You will make loads of friends when the kids start school.

The 300 mile commute is insane. I’d have to move, that’s not sustainable.

I would say you may make more local friends when your child starts school. I had a good friendship or two via the school. I did 25yrs living away from family & friends, made a nice life for myself but now eldest about to finish 6th form I am relocating 250 miles and cannot wait.

Could your DH stay over near his work 2 nights per week? Does he have to pay for fuel costs and accommodation? I was wondering if they might cancel out. Or are his work likely to be flexible - could something be changed about days in the office or working hours?

I would say go for option 2. A short commute is so valuable and sounds like a better area in the long run. I guess it depends who you see more ofter, family or friends?

Option 1. Can't he sometimes stay over near work to avoid the really long commute?

I vote 2

More to do in the long run is better for teenagers - let’s face it they are only little for a little amount of time.

I also think with two under 5 having DH home makes sense.

If DH wants to stay and he’s the one doing a 300 mile commute, the only real reason it sounds like a move would suit is the lack of friendship and social contact.

I would 100% stay and make a big concerted effort to expand your social circle. Go to all the baby and toddler groups, find an evening class, offer to help out at local events start a walking group etc

Do you work yourself? I moved from a lovely little town to the big city thinking that that would solve all of my problems and actually I did manage to get a bigger house by moving because the little town was extraordinarily expensive.
But what I actually really needed to do was go and get a job and a bit of a life

Surprised by "stay" replies. To me it option 2 is a no brainer.

It says in her original post she WFH but option two means she can visit the office which will help socialising.

Same! Doing a 300 mile commute is absolutely crazy long term. I'd definitely move. Sounds like moving would bring more job opportunities for OP too.

Stay in 1

Why does your husband really want option one? I agree with others, you’ll make friends when on mat leave and when other starts school.

How much help do your in-laws provide? You have stated that it's ad-hoc rather than regular. Will they be providing any further help once your second child arrives? Your husband is commuting a huge distance 3 times a week, which in my opinion doesn't align to family life....not long-term. You are going to be solo parenting 2 children for long stretches at a time, with little input from your husband.

At the moment you are feeling isolated due to finding it difficult to make friendships. You are concerned there isn't enough to do for you and the children.

To live in a larger house, in a more picturesque setting, is fantastic but that has to balance with family life, friendships, commute etc and it doesn't...not in my opinion.