Early 50’s, kids not flying the nest - would you choose space or community/connection?

[Sonrien]

Struggling to decide on priorities. Me and partner early 50s, 5 children ranging in age from 8 to 20. One away at uni, but not likely that all the others will choose that path.

Currently renting in a very desirable village near a large city. It’s lovely and trendy, lots of deli’s, boutique shops and independent restaurants. Generally a nice place to be and I like living here, though we don’t actually go out all that much. I can walk to work in 20 mins, kids can walk to school. Perfect!

Except- we can only afford to buy a 3 bed semi, we’d then have to extend to create more living space and bedrooms. With the cost of labour/materials being so high I’m not sure we’d make the money back if we chose to sell later. And also I swore never again after last time….

Further out of the city we could buy amazing spacious houses, with plenty of land for much less money. We could all still commute to school by bus/train but would take a little longer. Theres almost too much choice going down this route as the areas are all really well connected.

I always thought I’d go for countryside and silence, but as I get older I’m thinking convenience and community may be better. I also thought the older kids would move out sooner but they are showing no interest at all in that, and the youngest will definitely be around for a while.

Any advice to share?

Move out and enjoy the extra bedroom, garden (and bathroom) now, when you need it. Get everyone bikes and make sure you are within reach of a shop for milk/bread/sanity. You can move back to a two-bed when the kids have left.

With an 8 year old you have quite a few years ahead of you with kids at home. With that number of kids, I would choose space.

Move out and get a bigger place for your money. You did say that you do go out that much! With an 8 year old you have years before there are just the 2 of you.

Is it even a question because how could you even think of spreading 5 kids of that age range across two bedrooms? It would be hell!

Buy the best house you can afford that will accommodate you all. Our DC have only just moved out and they are all in their 20s and 30s. You might be in for a few years with everyone at home. Having enough space is really important for a happy family.

Hmmmm… this is helpful! Seems much clearer when I’m not lost in my own head.

The oldest two are a couple (obvs not both mine and not really children now) and share a room so i was thinking an attic conversion with ensuite would work for them. And also was hoping they’d want to move out. But they definitely are in no hurry.

Also worried about being priced out of the nicer area over time. And I can not really be bothered going through all the house selling/buying trauma again anytime soon.

The whole thing is a lot!

One child in a special school so I’d need to navigate that if I move LA - I’ve asked for advice on that on the SEN board.

thanks all!

pfff not sure how I quoted one, you are all helpful! The quote was supposed to be a shocked face - 30s 😮

Why are you thinking about buying? If you are happy where you are and it works for everyone can’t you stay? Renters Reform Act means you will have greater security after May.

But also, it’s not compulsory to house your adult children - if your budget is such that you can’t provide beds for all then that’s that.

I have a sizeable deposit and I’m chain free, I moved into rental as we were relocating and I didn’t know any areas, the rent market round here is crazy £3.5k a month for a 4 bed house. The mortgage would be much less and I’d like to have paid it off before we retire.

I like having the children around, so don’t want to force them out.

Bus/train commute is fine. As long as the older ones can do it independently and you can get everyone to school/work.

very few people live in walking distance of that sort of area.

Much smaller family (me, DD at uni but likely to move home for the foreseeable, son who lives on his own but visits regularly). We have lived in zone 3 for the last four years. We moved from a house twice the size 80 miles outside London in a town, kids walked to school, and it was ten minutes from shops. But it wasn’t the city I loved. So sold and moved in to a three bedroom terraced house half the size. Now our two dogs have passed away and we are looking to move further in. For me it’s being in a buzzy lively part of the city, I’m done with family friendly neighbourhoods. But my kids are grown. If I had an 8 year old and other kids I’d still choose space. If you can’t afford bedrooms to house everyone the oldest two (a couple? You can’t call them children), should move out, but that still leaves four beds needed unless the kids share. Loft conversions are £70-£100k depending. Stamp duty is also a big factor - you want to move to a property that will be good for ten years, until your youngest is 18 and hopefully at least one other child has moved out! Then the value should have risen to cover the stamp duty and extension/conversion cost.

If you build the couple a loft conversation with ensuite, they'll never move out until they decide to start having kids themselves. Why would they? They'll effectively have a private annex with nice "neighbours" (the rest of the family) and I presume a rent that's massively under market value, alongside no utilities or council tax.

how are some of your kids a couple?
or do you mean there are four kids and one of them has a partner?
I think it’s fair to house adult kids but not also their partners, you shouldn’t be having to make compromises on your quality of life for an adult couple.

@Hello98765 blended family was how I read it. There's no laws about dating your step siblings since you're not actually related. I can see it happening where the kids involved are teens when the parents got together. No idea if that's OPs situation. Let's face it a lot of who you choose to date largely comes down to proximity. People talk about The One but there's billions of people in the world, across many countries, what are the chances of your One True Love living nearby?! People date whoever's around that they feel attracted to. Step siblings are essentially people who start out as strangers and who then end up around each other a lot.

OP, the oldest two, 20yrs, a couple, aren't making an effort to move out because you're making it too easy for them to stay at home!
Are they both working? Contributing to bills, meal prep, etc?

To clarify - one of my children has a partner who lives with us. We’ve known them since the very first day of primary school (though they only started dating a lot later). I appreciate that they are now adults, but they still seem young to us. They are a student and help a lot around the house and with the younger children. I come from a very chaotic and broken family so creating a safe, welcoming place where my children and their friends feel comfortable as always been a priority for me. I wouldn’t be where and who I am today if it wasn’t for the kindness and generosity of my best friends parents when I was young.

Speaking as an older person (I'm 63 DH will be 73 in a couple of months) I'd go for convenience & community. You need to choose somewhere that suits you & your DH. OK you have children, but they will meet people & move out - hopefully sooner rather than later.

I have a friend who, on her divorce, bought a house with 5 bedrooms to accommodate her 2 adult children, who, at the time, were all living at home. Within 3 years children had moved out & she was on her own in a 5 bed house. She's had this on the market for 3 years, but no real interest. So she's got the expense of heating & maintaining a huge house with at least 3 more bedrooms than she needs.

Your responsibility is to your dependent children & your DH, not those who are old enough to fly the nest.

Do what suits you, your dependent children & your DH.

Our children will always seem young to us - my 6 foot tall 42 year old son who's a Royal Naval officer & Green Beret who fought in Iraq & Afghanistan is still my baby-boy in my eyes.

We live within walking to all amenities in a city centre and we would never want to move out and commute. There's so much we take for granted, from never worrying about train cancellations, or paying for hotels after seeing a late concert, or having to travel more than 40 mins for any specialist hospital. We walk to work/wfh and dcs walk to school, and it makes life simple and easy, and gives us more leisure time as we're home earlier. Lots of people do choose to commute but it's not a lifestyle that appeals to me at all.

We're lucky not to have the issue of needing more bedrooms though, we have a family of 5 and 4 bedrooms. I think a 3 bed house would be fine if you know you'll be able to extend and eventually house everyone, and it might not be for all of them for much longer.

And I bet he gives the best hugs - still living at home 😬?

Some great advice here and a lot to ponder. Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment

We always knew we wouldn't stay in the city forever, once we moved not only was everybody happier because they had space, it didn't take long to get into the small community and start enjoying a slower life..I won't lie wasn't totally sure I would like it and now 2 years on I would never move back into the city, kids are at a better school, uni is only a bus ride for olders and hubby travels less time than he did on the city upheaval. Our oldest has just fledged lol and got her own place in this village aswell so it was a good move for everyone being happier

In your op you’ve got a very binary choice, but I’m wondering whether there are other options in the middle?
If you wanted a 4 or 5 bed house in your current village, would there really be no way to stretch? You’ve said that renting is a lot more than mortgage so you know that you can afford to pay more.
Have you thought about trying to increase your deposit by having a year of saving? Or increase your buying potential by adding the eldest child onto the mortgage? Do the oldest kids pay rent and have you factored that into affordability? Could you and your partner try negotiating pay increases at work?
Is there a price difference on the outskirts of the village? Or is there a “rough” bit which is cheaper?
In general, I think people rarely regret stretching themselves for more expensive house. And you don’t need to worry about getting totally mortgage free because you can downsize once the kids have left home.

Ignore the sneering. My DD and SIL have been living with us for the last three years. It’s been lovely! They got married in September and they’ve finally saved enough for a deposit and will be moving out next month.