Is it just grief stopping me appreciating what I've got or is it the winter blues?

[Salome61]

Hello, my husband died ten years ago. I had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford the maintenance and repair costs.

We moved up to the NE because of my husband's promotion in 1999. I am from London, and have never settled here. Unfortunately I didn't get much for the house and couldn't afford to go home, so thought I could stay coastal as our beautiful late sheltie was still here then, but get nearer the south. I did a lot of research and decided on two places that had good train connections. I visited Exmouth, and then Margate, and couldn't afford a property I could envisage 'getting older in' at either place.

When I got back from these visits a bungalow was on the market up here - and I viewed and very luckily my offer was accepted. I completed in March 2021. November 2021 the flat roof was blown off in Storm Arwen, a few weeks later I discovered every floor was rotten. I have had to spend all of my savings and equity on the bungalow and lost all the storage, the fitted wardrobes, and the shower cubicle and all fittings during the floor replacement. I was advised to have 'concrete' sub floor at £40/50K - I couldn't afford that. As the place suffered from the high water table and condensation I had a Positive Input Ventilation unit installed in the loft. I also paid to have the loft insulation increased to 300 mm, more costly than I'd anticipated.

My beloved 17 year old cat and 15 year old dog died just after the floor refit in August and October 2022. My dog had a fungus in his nose from sleeping on the mouldy floors, I am still very very angry with the vendor. She did know as she telephoned me to tell me she'd 'overwatered a plant'. I decided not to have any more pets. Without my pets rats moved into the garden unfortunately, so I had to remove the plum and apple trees from the back garden.

I think all of these things have contributed to me not feeling 'at home' here, but do wonder if it is just the case of believing the grass is greener somewhere else.

I am in a side street about 20 minutes walk from the village, my husband is in the cemetery there so I can visit regularly. I do know most of the people here, and have one person in this street I can go to if I need help, but I do not socialise with her. I do have two best friends in London, one of whom is very critical that I stayed up here. I was on the list for an allotment in the village and got one last January ... very shaded from tall trees and it needed a new shed, as well as digging over as the raspberries had gone wild. Even the water butts fed from shed guttering on the shed roof had leaks. It was too much for me and I gave it up reluctantly, I did enjoy being outside in the fresh air with so many lovely birds.

I do know I am lucky with my location. There is a bus stop within a ten minute walk, I do have a car still, but don't like driving in the dark nowadays. I have a great dentist and doctor's surgery a mile away in the nearest town. I can get the bus north into the larger town for daytime shows at the cinema, or going south, I can get the bus into Newcastle, my son normally meets me there. My son lives near Durham and has just had my first grandchild. His girlfriend's family own the house they rent, and I doubt they will move.

Has anyone made a 'big' move and wish they'd done it sooner?

Oh Hun it sounds like you've had a dreadful few years - I feel for you. 😘

We moved out of our family home into a bungalow about 4 years ago, but have remained in the same area as we've always lived as we wanted to stay close to DD, DS2 & our GC as well as friends & my work.

It sounds like you are living in a lovely place, and with amenities such as doctor surgery, bus stop etc nearby, is future-proof for when you no longer want to drive. Like you, I no longer drive in the dark if I can avoid it.

I'm wondering if looking for a smaller, cheaper place might be the answer? Possibly a flat? That way you could free up some capital.

Also maybe put yourself back on the waiting list for another allotment? You may get a better plot this time. Any allotment is likely to be neglected & need digging over as people are not going to relinquish a well-kept productive allotment, but you could cover most of it with old carpet to keep the weeds down & gradually reclaim it a bit at a time.

It sounds like you are rather lonely. Are there any social groups in the village that interest you - WI for example (it's not all jam & Jerusalem). You may also consider fostering dogs or cats for your local animal rescue, so many dogs & cats don't take well to being in kennels & a foster home is the better option for them, that way you could have the benefit of a pet, but without the expense & long-term commitment as well as doing something worth-while.

Good luck, life will get better.

Thank you for responding with your great suggestions, I've made a note of them all.

I am very conscious of being alone, but haven't found my tribe here. It has reminded me of a very unpleasant incident just after I had moved in.

I was walking my dog on the new estate behind me and met my post lady from my other house, and she was crying. It seemed that my 'new' postman here had sexually harrassed girls at the PO. She was terribly upset about it but I wasn't near my house, or I'd have invited her in. She said he had been suspended.

A few years later our local paper finally reported that he was tried, found guilty, and received a sentence of six and a half years. One of the six young girls he had harassed took her life. It was on the BBC news and they did an article about Royal Mail failing their customers. Appalling.

I will be positive and start looking at flats. I have my daughter's cat while she is away in Canada but live in fear of her bringing in live/dead creatures - she is only 5 and a very active hunter.

OP that is a dreadful story about the postman!

Good that you have your daughter's cat for company. Unfortunately there's not a lot that you can do to stop them catching wildlife, all you can do is hope that they don't bring it into the house.

It's difficult at first, but I'm sure that you will find your 'tribe' - most villages have several social groups, your parish magazine will have details as well as the notice board in the village shop (if you have one, so many village shops have closed).

Good luck, you've got this. 😘

OP, it sounds like you have been through a lot. You have listed a lot of negative things that have happened to you in the last few years. Could you do the opposite and list all the positives? Not just in terms of your location but also what you have going on in your life like friends and relationships, I think to really know if the grass is greener, you need to be aware of all the good things you have going for you vs what you are missing and could potentially find somewhere else. I would start there. Ultimately if you feel like you will be happy somewhere else, perhaps closer to your son, I would consider it, but I have found that sometimes a person's issues just move with them to their new location.

OP re the cat hunting- I can recommend one of these https://www.birdsbesafe.com
Our cat was a horrible killer of birds but this really put her off her stride and reduced her ability to stalk and pounce. Plus it gave us a giggle seeing her look like an Elizabethan dandy. Now she’s older she’s not so dangerous to the local birdlife.

I am not sure how to advise but you have had a terribly hard time, I cried when I read your posts. I can only imagine facing all the nightmares of your house and losing your pets whilst battling grief after losing your dh, and being far from the south must feel so isolating.

I will say that on the long, dark, cold days I think we all tend to reflect and feel low. It’s a depressing time of year and your problem is you don’t have anything to look forward to. I think you desperately need that - some little future ray of sunshine to cling on to.

I hope there will be some cosmic karma for the horrid woman who sold you the house.

You've had a dreadful time OP, and it's not at all surprising you're feeling low. Endless house hassles and unexpected bills can drag anyone down, especially when you're grieving.

I'd try writing a list of pros and cons down for moving and staying put - might it also be worth seeing a financial adviser or at least taking stock with the MSE budget planner or whatever? You need to pin down exactly what would change if you moved (in the same area, and maybe then have another list for moving further south if it seems feasible).

If the figures seem to add up, you could trawl Rightmove (it's a hobby of mine, esp this time of year!) and if you spot anything that could work and give you a fresh start, go and see it and kind of "try it on" in your mind.

You've had some good ideas above, but in terms of the house, I just wanted to say sometimes your instinct is helpful. Maybe moving to something with cheaper maintenance would be a good idea - or maybe exploring the options and figures will help you decide against it. Either way, best of luck. I really feel for you. 💐

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful posts.

I like the idea of the pros and cons list, I will do that and see. I know I am lucky to feel 'safe' here, I could go to any house in the street if I needed help. I also know most of the people who walk past with their dogs, I used to meet them walking my beloved late sheltie.

I have booked a holiday on the Amalfi coast in October, so have something to look forward to - and save for! My daughter went to Pompeii last year and said they have opened even more up, those poor people. I am glad to be on a tour, I would be scared to drive the Amalfi coast with those hairpin bends. I hope my daughter will be back from Canada before then to take her beloved cat back to Belfast. She is a beautiful cat but I am dreading the bird nesting season, she is so very young and fast. My 17 year old cat was just content to snooze under the buddlea.

Enjoy your week :)