Having to live with ex partner

[Jaffapedigree]

Hi all, I was wondering if anyone's been in a similar situation to me, and if there were any positive outcomes?

My partner and I have just split up after being together for over twenty years. It's not too acrimonious but I'm not happy. I'm also never getting back together with him.

We're not married, have no children between us, and don't have huge assets. We both work full time. Neither of us earns a huge amount, but we're both a little bit above minimum wage.

We both own our house; I can't remember the correct term, but we don't own a percentage each, we both own all of it.

Unfortunately, neither of us can afford to buy the other out, and neither of us wants to go back to renting. Rent would be easily three times what the monthly mortgage payments are, even for something smaller. Also, if we sold the house, after fees we wouldn't get enough each for a deposit to buy again, so it would be back to renting. We've only just remortgaged toi, so exit fees might be crippling. It's also fixed for the next five years. I also have two young cars, so renting would be tough.

Ex partner has moved into the spare bedroom and thinks we can just carry on being housemates, but I'm finding it very, very hard to be civil. He knows I'm struggling, he just doesn't know how much.

I'm going to arrange a meeting with our mortgage broker soon to see what our options are, though if I can't keep the house, it's looking bleak. I'm in my fifties, been absolutely blindsided by him, and yes, I had to end the relationship but only because he put me in an impossible position.

I guess I'm after practical advice plus a bit of handholding please.

*cats,not cars -only got one of those!

That is a very difficult situation. Not sure what to suggest, I went through a similar phase while going through divorce and living with ex but ended up selling and buying something much smaller. Bumping this for you in case someone else can offer some advice. Not sure if porting the mortgage is an option if you're both named on it?

You need to do what feels right for you - his wants/needs are no longer relevant.

Does he pull his weight with housework or is he expecting you to take most of the burden? If so that needs to change & you will need a rota - just like housemates usually have.

Things need to be separated out. You need to section off, and label the kitchen cupboards, fridge, freezer etc into his food & your's - the fridge you could say that he gets the top shelf, you have the 2nd and milk, eggs etc are labelled with a permanent marker pen so everyone knows what belongs to who, you could buy a cheap labeller from EBay (other sites sell them) so that you can make sure it's clear what is your's & what is his. I have a labeller anyway as so useful when freezing things, labelling chargers etc

You also need to work out a way of ensuring that purchasing things like washing up liquid/dishwasher tablets, loo roll & cleaning products are shared equally. You could have a household kitty (jam jars are useful here) that you both put a certain amount a month or week into? Or, as I had many years ago when a lodger, I would buy 4 rolls of pink loo roll, my landlady bought white when pink was running out, I bought pink washing up liquid, landlady bought green - that way we could see when it was the other person's turn & no-one had to remind the other. I bought my own washing powder & kept it in my room (this was in the early 1980's when dishwashers, liquid laundry wash etc wasn't common) but I'm sure that you get my drift.

Another issue is what happens should one of you start dating? How would you feel about him having a GF staying over? How would he feel about meeting your BF coming out of your bedroom?

Now that you are separated you may be entitled to Universal Credit to top up your wages. You will need to be able to show that you are not maintaining a 'common household' hence the clearly demarcated food storage, the arrangements for household cleaning products etc. DWP will want to know if you eat together, how you spend your leisure time etc. They will also ask would your neighbours, family, friends regard you as a couple? A far as DWP are concerned, where you sleep is largely irrelevant as many couples sleep in different bedrooms for all kinds of reasons. It's how you spend your time, your money etc that they are looking at.

I suggest that you see legal advice as you need to know where exactly you stand.

I had this for a few months. I think you have to be careful of a potential hidden agenda, in that he might be hoping you will just change your mind if you give things time?

The happy ending is that it's nicer to live in a cardboard box than share a home with the wrong person.

Good luck OP!

Honestly, I'd rather not live with him at all but I'm trapped. We still have a joint bank account for utilities and groceries. I've always sorted out the bills. We both do the housework but I reckon I do more.

I put in a firm rule at the breakup that neither of us will ever be bringing back other people, be that friends, potential partners or ONS, even family, to the house, ever. He's agreed to this rule. I'm not dating anymore for the foreseeable future as he's hurt me so badly, I won't be able to trust anyone for a long time. Due to what he's doing/becoming, his dating options will be very limited, I expect, but you never know.

I don't know if I'm entitled to any benefits, I think I earn just a little too much. I've done the sums and I could afford the place by myself. But I doubt he'd leave. He seems to think that he can just carry on with his life as it was, but simply sleeping in another room and not having sex with me any more.

I also have no family - not exaggerating, they were all deeply abusive and I cut them all off a long time ago as they almost drove me to suicide, it was that bad. So, I don't have parents, siblings or cousins to fall back on for support. He has his mum, though she lives an hour's drive away and has her own problems. He doesn't drive, I do. He has the option to work hybrid remote, even fully remote for a short period, but in my job,it's necessary that I am there in person.

I really don't want to house share, but I suppose that's what I'm stuck with.

I've done the sums and I could afford the place by myself. But I doubt he'd leave. He seems to think that he can just carry on with his life as it was, but simply sleeping in another room and not having sex with me any more.

This is really difficult, but you are compromising your entire future so as not to compromise his. If you buy him out and can just about manage it, do so.

If you're worried that it's not fair him ending up with a lower standard of living than you, that really is no longer your problem. He can improve that over time, with effort, and maybe it will do him good/help him to grow up in ways he simply doesn't when living in your world.

You are no longer partners. This can be really hard to get your head around, especially if life goes on just as it did before apart from separate rooms.

It is possible that delaying a physical separation is your/his way of pretending that this deeply traumatic situation is not really happening, but one of you must bite the bullet. If he is used to you being the adult in the relationship (?), that must come from you.

I had a similar situation, if you want him to leave you will have to make it worth his while by offering to buy him out. If you want to force a sale of the house you may be able to do that and then you can both divide up the equity. You don't have to accept what he is offering - that you live in the same house, but if you don't want that you will need to provide the plan for the alternative. Seeing a mortgage broker is a good first step.

I think that buying him out is something I'll bring up in the meeting with our broker.

I split with him because he wants to be a woman.

I wanted to get married, he never did. Thank goodness I never wanted children, he'd likely have denied me that by stalling and dithering too,like he's done all of our lives. I've come to the realisation that I'm a doer, whereas he just lets life happen to him. I've always striven for things, even though I've been unsuccessful, but I keep trying. If I'm honest, I do now want him out of my life, but the short term pain will be horrendous, and I'd probably lose a lot in the process (money, sanity, mutual friends).

I feel your pain and can really empathise, it is truly shit.

You may be able to port the mortgage to a new place, check with the broker.

No you are not stuck.

I suspect that he wants to carry on living with you with you as a kind of housekeeper - carrying on what you've always done.

OH NO MISTER - THINGS NEED TO CHANGE! You are no longer his unpaid housekeeper.

1/ separate out bank accounts - set up an account that you both pay 50% of the household utility bills into that needs both of your permission to access (in order to prevent him from taking cash out of this account without you knowing. Everything paid by DD or SO.

2/ you pay for your own food & keep it separate as I've suggested. He can buy his own grub & cook for himself.

3/ If you are now 'housemates' you have a meeting every month - get a calendar, have it on the 1st of the month or whatever to discuss bills & other issues.

4/ have a rota for cleaning, doing the recycling, putting bins out etc - I suggest that you discuss it with him & write it up week 1 Mon, Tues etc

4/ go onto the Benefits calculators - GOV.UK website to see if you're entitled to benefits. Don't tell him - let him discover if he's entitled himself.

I suspect that once you've started this process he will panic & want you back. He won't want to lose his housekeeper/mummy.

Though personally I'd rather be living in a cramped bedsit than living in your situation. I really think that you need legal advice & to force a sale or force him into the position where you buy him out of your home. After a few months of living as your 'housemate' I think that he may be more amenable to selling up ot letting you buy him out.

The devil in me may be tempted to find someone to have very noisy sex with, just to focus him on what he's lost. But I can be a bitch(!)

If I'm honest, I do now want him out of my life, but the short term pain will be horrendous, and I'd probably lose a lot in the process (money, sanity, mutual friends).

Short-term pain is a valuable growing experience. Honestly, what do we learn from happy times except how to be the same person we've always been?

You will lose money, but it will be worth it.

You're not going mad, you're "going sane." It feels the same way as going mad, because the familiar anchors are removed. This is a good thing in your circumstances.

Yes, you will probably lose mutual friends. I lost a lot of these when my first marriage ended. It's not that they take sides or dislike you, it's just awkward. However, I've since made plenty of new friends that I like even better.

Life awaits you OP!

So true - well said OP 😉

OK I've just checked my eligibility on the turn2us calculator, and as I expected, I'm entitled to nothing whatsoever.

Another problem related to this situation, is that because I have no family, I now have no one to be my emergency contact at work. I don't have any friends that I'm close enough with to ask.

My will isn't a problem; I'll be changing it to leave everything to a local charity I work closely with, rather than leaving it to him.

Sorry to hear that, OP. Do you think any of this isolation has resulted from your relationship with the ex?

No, it isn't him responsible for the isolation. My family were abusive so I went no contact over twenty years ago. All our friends are mutual friends made after I got together with him. I'm an unsociable introvert, and have just started a new job so not got close to anyone yet. Not interested in dating. I find it very hard to meet new people and I don't really like getting too close with anyone.

Fair enough (I'm similar, in that although I made plenty of new friends I don't really see them!).

And yet here you are living reluctantly with someone you don't actually want to live with.

This is a really difficult situation for you both. You must prioritise your own needs.

I'm a manager in the Civil Service. Several years ago I had a member of staff in a similar situation as you - in that they were a single person with no family as an emergency contact so I gave her my phone number just in case.

Funnily enough, she retired for nearly 20 years ago, is now 79 years old & I still call her every evening at 7;30 just to check if she's OK. We meet every Sunday morning for a coffee &, when she fell over & broke her shoulder last year, I stayed with her for 4 weeks to take care of her.

It's worth reaching out to your colleagues.

I would also say look at what activities you can do to expand your social circle. That will really piss your soon-to-be XH off if you're out several times a week having fun - one in the eye for you Mister. 😂

Funnily enough, I'm in a branch of the public sector myself (prison worker). I've been invited out for drinks next month, once we can all sync our rotas, so I'll take them up on the offer.

That's great OP! Even if you don't enjoy it much, it's an opportunity to get to know your colleagues better, and who knows you might meet other people by simply being out, ie, you go to buy a drink, and someone chats to you, or you to them, and hit it off. After all, many a friendship/relationship has started in the queue at Tesco!

This is dismal for you, OP. Very difficult if your ex isn't bothered about living in these circumstances and won't help look for a solution.
It's a shame that you have just remortgaged but in your position I'd prioritise having my own space over a better financial position and force a sale of the house. Or trying talking to your ex about one of you buying the other out or at least one of you moving out while the other covered all the bills, then both of you getting a share of the house when it was sold at a better time.
I'd also ask a friend if they'd be willing to go down as next of kin in an emergency. They can say no of course, but they might be honoured to be trusted.

I can't help on the relationship side but just a couple of accommodation suggestions.

Check out the prices of retirement/older community housing. It's often much cheaper than unfettered homes. Also look at cash only homes - perhaps because they have short leases (what do you care so long as it's long enough for you) or non-standard building construction. Check out cheaper areas (Caithness as an extreme).

OP, you mention he’s decided he’s transgender. You might get some extra support on the trans widows board.