Would you move?

[anxiousmum899]

We currently live in a 3 story terrace, 4 bedroom house, been here five years, ok back garden, small front garden, no driveway, one way street with terrible parking, you might get a space outside your house or you might have to drive round the one way system, 2,3,4 times looking for a space as close to the house as possible. To get the kids in the car we have to remember where the car is, drive it to the house, park on the double yellow lines on the other side of the road, and then put the kids in the car one by one. We have three 6,4 and 18 months. 4 year old is disabled, he has a neurological disability which makes him unpredictable and unsteady on his feet, he is generally carried everywhere or pushed in a buggy with his brother. Our house is also a 30 min walk from the beach, school and nursery. It is my responsibility to do school pickup, all the clubs hobbits. And sometimes that involves getting in and out of the car at home 4 times in a day (so parking in yellows, unloading the kids; then driving off again looking for a space)

I have recently been wanting to move to a house with a driveway, that’s closer to school/nursery and I’d really love to live walking distance from the beach.

We’ve found a house, driveway, only 3 beds, semi detached so side access to the garden, 8 min walk to our favourite beach. Walking distance to school, nursery, train station and leisure centre. Much bigger garden with more than enough space to build an office space each (we both WFH), bike storage, craft room, music studio. The house itself is the same footprint as our current house. One less bedroom which I will admit feels like a bit of a downgrade.

We have just got our remortgage and got a lump sum to to the extension on our existing home, once we do the extension we will have hit the limit of how much better we can’t make our house, we won’t be able to build office space in the garden, or extend the bedrooms at all.

we would need to spend the Reno money we’ve just got in securing the new house as it’s a bit of a stretch, so would have no money to extend for a few years.

I would rather move now, go back a few paces, have this bigger potential house, have my life changed in just being able to walk the kids to school and just put our son in the car on our drive instead of faffing with our current situation.

husband says we already live close enough to walk to the beach (which is technically true, but I wouldn’t consider 30 minutes walking distance pushing a double buggy, I can’t just nip there in my lunch time and have a quick dip) he’s not bothered by the beach so he doesn’t get my point.

he thinks stylistically our current house is more to his taste (Victorian, high ceilings) than the other house (30’s semi) which for him is a big factor in staying put.

am I being unreasonable in wanting to move? Is he by ignoring my motivating factors and wanting to stay cos our house will be “cool” once renovated?

I think you are being really sensible. You need to buy the house you need for your life, houses are for living.

YANBU. I’d move. Some men have a way of thinking with their wallets and will put the inconveniences further down the list (mostly because they don’t deal with them day to day).
I have moved for a house with parking as the first place I lived when I first had DD didn’t have any allocated parking like you describe. That was hard enough with a new baby, I can’t imagine how tricky it is with your three, and one of them with disabilities too.
Practicality and ease is the stage of life you are at. Houses with ‘character’ that are impractical with a young family are for when the kids are grown or flown.

You should move. 😃

Yes, i would move. House 2 sounds much better. Plus I suspect the inconvenience of extending will make you dislike the house even more.
Suggest your husband does all the school runs etc for a week and see how he feels at the end of the week.

This may well be a tangent, due you have a blue badge for your less able child so that parking in yellow lines becomes more accessible?

otherwise, your ‘DH’ doesn’t seem to be listening much to your concerns about your current set up because then do t impact him. Does he ever do the school runs on his own? That might help his ability to empathise.

It doesn't sounds very safe in the current setup... does someone remain with the children when you are parking or retrieving the car? I'd move, seems the sensible option.

In your position, I would definitely move. Feeling trapped in your own house is not pleasant (in your case the parking just makes everything so much harder). And an extension is not going to fix that. Your husband won’t understand as he’s not the one doing all the pick ups and drop offs

I would move.

Surprised you bought the house in the first place tbh.

I think you should move. However if you get higher rate mobility for your son, you can apply for a disabled parking spot outside your current house from the council, and a blue badge.

Our last house had parking issues, we didnt have a driveway and the parking wars got stupid in the end.

I would move, the house you are interested in sounds much better and also bigger garden is a plus.

The new home isn't a downgrade- it's a compromise. Location, location, location. Tell your husband that you understand his concerns but you need him to understand yours.

Can you buy the new house with a view to extending it later down the line to give all the kids a bedroom of their own? Is one of the bedroom sizes big enough for two to share until then? Those would be my main considerations with a 3 bed house and 3 kids. But your current setup sounds like it's really not working and I think looking for a new house in general is a good idea. The aesthetics are much less important than ensuring the house works for everyone.

Sounds like a great plan, I would move.

Bluntly your husband is a fool.

Borrow or rent a wheelchair for the day and put the children into day care. Have him manage you in and out if bed and the bathroom and around the house in it and bring you to the beach using the chair.

Thats your life in your current house as your 4 year old gets bigger hiting your weigh lifting limit and he will only get bigger into his teen age years.

You need a home which can provide a space which works for you. But its is not doing that at the moment your current house looks pretty like a chocolate teapot.

And if the wheelchair day is not hands on enough he can take a week off work and do all the stuff you need to do with the children.

Where you live your life will be so less important to how you live your life and the second home gives you a better overall lifestyle.

I am assuming the reno of your current house will not be a profitable flip style investtment so moving is the best long term option. So unless DH can find an even better home which all your needs and his looks good wants I would opt to move (with siblings sharing a room untill they leave home or you could afford to move again/extend).

Take a week off - stay with family - or work conference etc - just be out of the house - let him experience the situation for a week and then revisit the conversation.

if he still insists on staying - note his reasons why not - then I’d go quiet and not discuss further - consider getting my ducks in a row - monitor what else he also dictates - note the findings - seek advice on what you would be entitled to post divorce and calculate your income - check out entitled to - then in a couple of months when you have all the facts - have the conversation one more time - tell him if he doesn’t want to move that’s ok - however you are moving citing the reasons and use the evidence to support (see below) - he can either come with or you can get divorced and then the house will be sold anyway and you’d get to choose a lovely house with its own driveway.

What else doesn’t he do? Noted both wfh but is he all in 50/50 with home responsibilities? Do you get support with your 4yo? Proximity to a semi decent local authority with good children’s and adult services would be beneficial as would a blue badge. Does moving place you in a different authority?

Think about all these elements to support your case - list them on a spreadsheet: finances, benefit entitlement, (is motability still a thing?) transport options if you didn’t have your own vehicle , childcare provision, local authority service provision, access to decent healthcare services and the proximity, shops, things to do, better broadband… list can go on.

@AnSolas agree here - fool. Apologies @anxiousmum899 for being disrespectful to the H in this scenario but he is bonkers.

What does he do for a living?

You should definitely move. The other house sounds so much better for your needs. Nice for your husband to be able to prioritise Victorian features when he’s not the one doing all the running around after three kids and pushing a disability buggy. I may be having a bad day, but I feel annoyed with your husband on your behalf!

Definitely move.

I would move. I am guessing that your husband never or rarely experiences the inconvenience and stress of the complicated "getting three kids into a car that's parked a long way off" procedure. If so get him to do all of it for a week - you say he works from home. If he "couldn't possibly" he takes a few days off work and does it.

Your house might be "cool" once renovated but it will still be a massive impractical pain in the arse by the sound of it. And your child presumably won't get any less disabled.

The other house sounds so much better in terms of practicality and lifestyle. Whilst your children are so young, I don’t think losing a bedroom is a big deal, 10 years down the line you could look at extending or upgrading when they’re older.

The parking situation at your current house with 3 kids, one with disabilities, sounds like a nightmare.

You can do all the reno you like to the current property, but you will never be able to solve the parking issue, which sounds like a daily nightmare. Moving is a no-brainer.

You need a driveway, but is there no other house that has the 4th bedroom? Also, you might be better with a driveway that has an automatic gate as that's a lot of back and forth between house and car with the kids!

Blokes don’t put themselves through uncomfortable experiences unless they have been made to feel even more uncomfortable by not doing anything.

Seconding the advice to go away. And don’t leave the fridge full of food, washing all done etc. DH needs to experience all the discomfort you do.

Your husband is talking aesthetics while you struggle to carry your disabled child from wherever you have randomly parked…have I got this right?? I would be telling him exactly where he can go if house appearances are what comes to mind rather than what works for the family.

I would be very uninterested in talking about ceiling heights while navigating these logistics. We loved our flat in the city centre with high ceilings and cornicing… and 40 spiral stairs up to it. We moved when we had a baby. This is the same thing really - your current place will be lovely for someone else but it’s not for you.

id have moved already to be honest, this sounds so difficult and actually quite unsafe if you’re checking around while your children are home alone.