Want to be close to parents but don’t want to move

[hopingforapeainapod]

My husband and I love where we live: it’s in the middle of a small city, there’s lots to do, I live a 5 min walk from work, it’s not far from London etc. We also only bought it 2 years ago.

However, we had a baby 8 months ago and it’s made me really sad that we aren’t closer to my parents. They’re a 2/2.5 hour drive away, which means when we see them either we or they have to stay over. (Where we live is VERY expensive, our house isn’t huge, and is only really a 2 bed with a tiny 3rd loft bedroom.) They are amazing, hands on grandparents and are desperate to do childcare when I go back to work but it just doesn’t currently work with our living situation. A lot of my uni and school friends have moved back closer to their parents when having children and I’m very envious that their parents / siblings can just ‘pop over’ without it having to be a big plan…

We are considering turning our garage into a bedroom / granny annexe for them, but I just can’t help that think that if we want another child, I will want to be closer to them, and that creating a 3rd bedroom is only a temporary solution, especially if we want another child…

How do you decide what you are willing to compromise on? Where we live right now is an amazing place for kids / teens in many respects, but expense means we will always be tight on space. Moving closer to my parents we would get way more for our money, but there’s a lot less ‘going on’ and it would mean starting over in terms of jobs, friendship groups etc…

I just feel like I’m going round in circles a bit thinking about it and feel like I need to make my peace one way or another…

There is absolutely no guarantee your parents will help at all, despite them being hands on now. We moved to be closer to family (1.5 miles away) my parents have had almost zero involvement in either baby sitting, school runs or helping us with our disabled son, my brother, his wife and kids live with them. Despite almost 4 adults living that close me and my wife haven't had a evening out in 5 years, they offer but with little sincerity. They can't cope with my son's OCD, he's so placid and chilled yet they can't cope. I'm waiting for a elder son to mature so we can have an evening out. If your parents are truly babes on its worth moving, explain what you expect of them and if they are willing to support..Good luck OP 🤞

@CuarloDeFonza gosh that all sounds stressful, I’m sorry - must be really hard when you expect help but it just doesn’t materialise.

I am pretty sure though my parents would help - we have cousins near my parents who also have kids and my parents already do a few school pick ups, evenings babysitting, etc for them and love it. My mum in particular is such a ‘carer’ and they are already doing a lot of childcare for us this summer as we have a few child free weddings etc…

Thanks for the supportive words, it is what it as at this stage. I don't resent them I just wish it was different. In your case I would go for it, you'll be a lot happier.bwing closer and having that support mechanism.

It’s so true. I saw more of my parents when I lived In Australia then when they were 10 minutes down the road.
There’s a lot of performative grandparent Ing you need to be really certain that’s not what’s going on before you make any major life decisions around their participation

Do not aSSUME THAT SMALL PLACES HAVE LESS GOING ON! i LIVE IN A VILLAGE WHICH IS ABOUT AS TINY AS IT GETS AND i AM INUNDATED WITH STUFF TO DO BOTH IN THE VILLAGE AND THE SURROUNDING TOWNS.

Sorry - caps lock got stuck!

If they are hands on then once your kids are at school you can send them off to them for part of the school holidays- great way to build really strong relationships and saves the nightmare that is summer holiday childcare

Would your parents move nearer you - and could they afford to do so? The job market is apparently not great at present so moving away without work doesnt sound too sensible. Could you move a bit closer?

If you convert the garage where would you park? It might not be beneficial when selling the property.

Move nearer to them. I didn’t and I regret it x

You haven’t said how your husband feels about moving away? Also are you sure you do in fact want another child? I get that it would be lovely to be nearer your parents and siblings. My grandchildren are 30 mins away and it’s lovely to be able to see them and help with childcare. And with so many women working these days, it’s hard without family help for those days when child can’t go to nursery as they are sick.

I dont think you should uproot from your current situation on this basis. You can not depend on them.for long term childcare . Anything could happen health wise, how old are they ? I would go ahead and convert garage so they can stay over in comfort . Maybe then they can do at least one day childcare. Don't worry if you have another child , young children can share rooms , etc and the garage good be a useful extra space as DC s get older .

You love where you live and it sounds like an ideal location for families. Why on earth uproot yourselves, have to find new jobs and live somewhere you don’t love as much?

visit your parents when you can; invite them to stay. But use proper childcare; you can’t rely on parents to always be available or able to do the day to day stuff. It also means that when your child does spend time with the grandparents, it’ll be a special treat. My own grandparents lived 100 miles away but I have amazing memories of going to visit and then staying there by myself as I grew up.
I honestly think that if you’ve found somewhere to live which works so well then you’d be mad to move

We have a similar dilemma every so often except my parents are 600 miles away (also UK). We and they mostly fly to visit, and we manage to see them every couple of months or so. I'd love to live closer, but I'm not sure it's worth losing what we have here. 😢 But then our kids are older than yours (5 and nearly 3) and we have a brilliant childminder and primary school. Maybe if we had thought about it when my first was yours age we might have moved. Can you identify push and pull factors to try and work out which situation you'd prefer? Could you move to a larger house in the same area you're in at the moment?

Surely there must be a place you could move to within 30mins drive of where your parents live where there are things ‘going on’?

I have always lived a few miles from my parents but they have been brilliant. We saved a fortune on nursery and after school club fees, they had our DC when they were ill, babysat at weekends etc. The biggest bonus though is the relationship they’ve been able to have - they are incredibly close.

Personally, I’d look for an area closer to your parents that ticks your boxes. For me that would be good schools, lots of parks/open spaces, a town centre with nice shops & restaurants, plenty going on in the local community for when the kids get older - rainbows, beavers, sports clubs etc.

Good luck whatever you decide!

Maybe your parents would move closer to you?

Thanks all for the replies. Unfortunately no chance of my parents moving closer to here - they live very close to my grandparents, who are sadly not getting any younger, and I know they will want to stay close to them.

In terms of not as much ‘going on’ I also wouldn’t like the fact that by moving there a) you need to drive to do anything, whereas here we can walk / cycle / quick bus everywhere and b) there would be a lot fewer job opportunities where my parents live too.

Also sadly no chance of moving to a bigger house here - the area is insanely expensive, and to get a bigger house we would have to move further out and sacrifice location, and even then we may not get something that much bigger - whereas in my parents’ area we could easily triple the size of our house and garden!

It’s a tricky one - there are lots of amazing advantages to where we live, and maybe if we convert the garage and focus on spending school holidays with them I’ll feel better about it all. I just feel like everyone I know with babies has a LOT of family help and I just can’t help being slightly envious / sad about it…