Possible house sale head over heart

[swirlyheadspiral]

Dithered between property and chat for this one. But it is a head over heart about my house plumped for this one!

we bought a lovely house a few years ago - very large mortgage. Very manageable on my current salary. But the rub is that my salary can’t be replicated in another job. I spend my life feeling very vulnerable in my job and feeling like I don’t have any options.

recently decided I can’t live like this anymore. My anxiety has kind of peaked and I pretty much throw up most days when I wake up through stress. I think (but don’t know) it’s the pressure of having no options that is doing this to me. There’s a good chance that if I feel more secure financially I would be more objective and less stressed about my job. So we have agreed to put the house on the market and downsize.

i want to reduce my mortgage by 50% and see how I feel. This is however not the perfect time to do this as my house hasn’t gone up in value. We will make a loss when you factor in the stamp duty already paid and also there will be an early repayment charge on any part of the mortgage we don’t port.

so all that makes me think I should suck it up and wait. But also the maintenance costs are huge - it’s a very old house and things keep going wrong that couldn’t be picked up in the survey. Next month we have to pay for a new boiler and for our heating system to be upgraded. I feel like it’s never ending and the money we don’t spend on the house I desperately save in case interest rates go crazy when our mortgage fix ends and the only way to protect myself from that is to be able to pay down the mortgage.

so stressful job. Physical signs of burn out. Feel like I have no money when I really have enough to live and a constant fear that if my job goes wrong (which it could do due to some restructuring) I will be homeless living under a bridge (or something less extreme but that’s where my head goes every morning when I wake up).

not sure what my question is. Maybe it’s a sense check - does this make sense?? I can do all the therapy to be more resilient and learn to cope better with my anxiety but that is a long term thing I think whereas my body and brain are screaming at me to put myself first sod the loss on the house and just get to a better place with my mental health. Very confused

I think tackling the fear first otherwise the anxiety will transfer onto something else I think.

This is not about houses. You suffer from anxiety of a degree where such an unnecessary decision is appearing logical/hearts and heads issue. Instead, begin on a solid programme of therapeutic addressing of the anxiety accepting that it may takes years of hard work.

So basically you are ok at the moment and if you did lose your job you could sell up and downsize then - usually the mortgage company allow a break while that happens ? so the logical thing is to hold your nerve and sell when the market is better or you actually have to ? But nevertheless you are feeling stressed by it ? When did you last have a good break/ holiday ? Have you spoken to your doctor AIBU what is pretty much irrational anxiety?

I think tackling the fear first otherwise the anxiety will transfer onto something else I think.

Agree with this.

Also, how long have you been in your job? What redundancy would you be entitled to? How long would this give you to sell the house if the worst happens? Maybe getting the practicalities crystal clear might help too.

I’m thinking of a situation where things are okay - all is fine - and DH suggests uprooting us and selling our lovely home because of his anxiety - I’d be first pointing out the need for clinical help and be supportive but despite that if he went ahead as far as actually considering selling the house I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

if you can afford it at the moment would seek counselling for anxiety - someone well qualified.

Hard to tell from your post whether you’re worrying unnecessarily or took on a high mortgage and would be at genuine risk of not being able to pay for your home if you or your H were to be made redundant or unable to work.

If it’s the latter, selling makes sense if there are good, lower cost housing options.

Fear of job loss is not entirely irrational - business is in a complete state of transition and I am vulnerable. We have savings to last a year but I cannot get another job at my current salary - spoken to recruitment consultants and it’s not happening. If the job goes we would need to move and quickly.

my husband was made redundant last year and the job market for his role is very tough - essentially a dying industry and he needs some more time to figure out his next move. So I lost that cushion.

such a big part of me just wants to downsize so I can breathe and think logically about my career which currently involves a very toxic work environment. Every time something outrageous happens I just sit there and think “but I have no options and I have to accept this as I can’t move jobs”. It’s hard and I just feel like the house is a millstone. And every month something else goes wrong with it and more of the savings fly out the door.

but yes I can afford it now. I guess it’s more do i need to or can I get off this merry go round and find some peace

i want to reduce my mortgage by 50% and see how I feel.

This is absolutely bonkers. You want to sell your house and buy a different one, incur additional moving costs and sell at the wrong time just to see how you feel about it. And what if you still feel stressed and anxious? If you are still throwing up? What then? Will you move again? You really need to address your anxiety before making such drastic, sometimes life changing decisions.

If you have savings to last a year that's plenty of time to sell if you need to.

Why don't you just park this for 6 months, get some help for the anxiety, and hopefully by that time DH has a new job and things will feel different, and if not you can decide what to do.

What age is your H? Unless close to retirement and he can afford to retire could he seek alternative (albeit lower paid) work?

If you had a lower mortgage so could earn less what work options would that enable for you?

It’s not ‘bonkers’ to want to reduce housing costs when household income is reduced.

Your husband needs to find a job to take the pressure off you, any job for now. Then, think logically about the next step. Your plan sounds knee-jerk to me.

Husband will be in a position to look for new work after the end of May so it might change - but his salary won’t go far to cover the mortgage.

I accepted my current job as a big step up in salary. If I wanted to change roles it would be a step back to where I was. I don’t know if I want that but I feel really trapped in a toxic situation. Doing therapy but it’s all coming to a point of “what do you want for your life? How important is money to you? What do you want to actually do and how do you want your life to be?”. I will have to work over Easter weekend and I work every day except for Xmas day. I come home from holidays early as there is too much work to do. I just feel exhausted and like I need to reprioritise my life and my choices. This feels extreme and I agree with all the reasons why I should stick it out. But I am burning out.

i know this is all very “yes but” from me in response to all the valid reasons why this makes no financial sense. I just can’t see a way forwards at the moment

I don't think you are the only one that is feeling like this. You don't say how old you are, but amongst my friends downsizing and easing the pressure of having to earn a larger salary has been talked about a lot, particularly where the woman is the main earner - we're all 50+. I'm a single parent so have no-one to help if my business fails. I can't wait for the kids to finish school so I can move (I want to move areas as well as be mortgage free, and I know I'm lucky to be able to do that, particularly post divorce). You are in a good position, having a year's worth of savings. I don't think having bigger is better. Having more money to save and spend on experiences is more important to me. But you need to weigh up the cost of moving now, and maybe waiting a bit. How long until you don't have an early repayment penalty?

We’ll never having a holiday isn’t healthy so no wonder you are falling to pieces

is this your own making - saying yes, being scared to push back or is it normal for your workplace ?

If the later, sell up abs get a better job. If the former , pull your socks up - I always found it helpful to think “would a man go along with this “

I completely get that feeling of constant panic about how you’ll cope. I’m single and was made redundant last year at 60. I got a good package (could live off it for 9 months ish) it’s that constant ‘what happens when the money runs out’ level of panic. I suggest you look carefully at what would give you the best quality of life now and if it’s downsizing and getting something you could easily afford on one salary think about how that would make you feel. The house would be smaller, is that going to stress you out, you’d probably have to get rid of a lot of ‘stuff’, are you happy to do that? None of the options are stress free so you need to think about which one would leave you in the best state overall (and not constantly dwell on ‘but we lost so much money’)

I am 45 - I have lost close family members over the past year and I want to stop surviving and start trying to enjoy life

If it's any consolation, I'm actually in a really similar boat. My job is secure but we moved and took on a bigger mortgage last year and my mental health really struggled, I feel anxious about it and possible "what if" scenarios. But actually the poster who said your anxiety will transfer onto something else is also right, I suffer from anxiety and it's always been something, it's just currently the house. And it's obviously a bigger risk so feels scarier, exacerbating my anxiety. Anyway, long story short I'm on waiting list for counselling and I have antidepressants. Game changer for me. I really notice if I come off them for a few weeks as the mortgage/job panic instantly kicks in again.

Caveat to say I also get the selling the house thing, I do think that would take some of my stress away. But it also probably wouldn't be the right move for my family so I'm giving myself 3 years here first.

I'd say your husband need to be working again quickly, looking and interviewing now for an end of May start. Also I don't have a years savings stashed and nor do many others. You need anti-anxiety meds while you wait for NHS therapeutic support. Speak to your GP. Propanolol at 80mg will do the trick beautifully

Was your previous position this bad, working hours and situation wise?

45 is a long way from retirement, and your current hours seem unsustainable.

Is the house niche appeal so unlikely to ever recoup value against the market generally, or is just where you are experiencing a slump?

Apologies I hadn't seen your later updates- I think your job seems unsustainable and with your husband out of work the mortgage burden falls all to you - selling up might ease some of your pressures if there are viable alternatives for you. If you do, don't beat yourself up about any money lost. Equally, if you think he might get work and you've space to sit it out it might feel more strategically planned and less "last resort"

Normal for my job - work in the uk but for a non-uk company which has very little understanding or time for what we would consider usual business behaviour. What I am interested in is whether or not I would find the resilience to push back and say no if I didn’t feel in such a precarious financial position

Do you get sick pay? Could you take a few months off sick to give yourself some breathing room?

Also it seems unusual to not be any other jobs at a similar pay - is what you do very niche? Have you spoken to any recruiters?

Job is niche - in terms of the role I moved into. If I step back there would be lots of roles that would pay enough.

re going off sick - I don’t think they would really understand the concept and if I did it would ensure that I was replaced asap as it would affect the business too badly.

I have got myself into a bit of a hole really. I am a poster child for why you shouldn’t follow the money.